I'm a Model

All right, I refuse to leave on that note.  I can't say my mood has changed much from the last post, but I'm trying.  I was tempted to completely erase the last post, but I pride myself on honesty, so that's what you get.  Warts and all.  I've also had some interesting things happen in the last week that I would like to share.

I have spent 3 days this week as a "model" for my Ayurvedic Dr.  She is expanding her business and has a new class of therapists in training. (I'm not sure that's the right term for them.)  She uses me as a model to demonstrate the treatments to the students, and I get the treatment for free.  A win-win all around as far as I'm concerned.

I've actually found the whole process quite fascinating.  When I completed the three day panchakarma the beginning of the year, I didn't really understand the reason behind some of the treatments.  Since the Dr. explained the treatments to the students as she was performing them, I learned a lot as well.  The biggest challenge was staying awake enough to pay attention, as most of the treatments relax me so much I want to go to sleep.  Even with four people in the room staring at me.  This has also made it easier for me to restart some of the things I was supposed to be doing at home, such as head and feet massage.  Now that I understand why I am doing it, it will be easier to continue.

I had one treatment that focused on the heart and digestion, and one that was a foot massage followed by lower back treatment.  I also had a treatment called Kanrapurana, which is basically oil in the ears.  I swear I could hear better afterwards.  The most interesting (ok weird) treatment was also the one I found most beneficial.  It is called Netra Basti, or eye rejuvenation therapy.

A dam of dough is placed around the eyes, and liquid ghee (clarified butter, aka the Indian wonder drug) is poured into the dam.  After it sits for a while, you actually open your eyes and keep blinking, while the ghee runs off or is absorbed.  I know this sounds really strange, and if I had known what was going to happen before hand I might have been a lot more apprehensive.  The treatment is purported to ease eye strain, nourish and rejuvenate the eyes.  I can't put my finger on what was different afterward, but my vision was definitely different.  Clearer maybe, and everything seemed sharper and more in focus.  And I didn't wake up with sticky eyes the next morning, which I had been having problems with as it is spring. The sticky eyes were back the second day, but I will definitely try this treatment again.

I have learned from this experience that Ayurveda is not a one time, feel good massage "quick fix", but a lifestyle change and personal commitment to enhance health.  Relying on someone else to make us feel better is not really a good idea, as no one knows our body better than ourselves.  Lasting change can only be achieved through commitment.  Otherwise, the massage, steam, or shirodhara will be incredibly relaxing and stress relieving, but may not promote any long term benefits. Just thinking about my next steam bath makes me feel warm all over, which is a good thing considering it is snowing.  Again.

Happy Belated Anniversary

UH OH.  It appears I missed my anniversary.  The one year anniversary of writing my blog.  How does that make me feel?  Even shittier than I feel about not writing.  I haven't had the urge to write at all lately, so I haven't.  For some reason that makes me feel guilty.  I don't get paid to do this.  No one is salivating over my next blog post.  I don't have a million readers.  So why do I care?

Could it be because I am continually starting things with grand ambitions and then not finishing them?  First there was the reiki, which I thought I would do every day for the rest of my life.  Not so much anymore.  Then there was the spiritual group I was going to start that made it through the first meeting.  Now I'm afraid my ambitions to become a writer may be falling by the wayside as well.

Part of my problem is that I am continually searching to find something I am passionate about.  Other than flying, there is nothing that I have started and actually stuck with for a number of years.  Yes I still waterski and ice skate, which I used to do as a child, but not nearly as much as I would like to.  Why?  No time - supposedly.  Truth is I'm just not making the time.  So what exactly am I doing with my time?  Running the machine.  How do I spend less time doing that?  And why is it so hard to find something I'm passionate about?

Well, this post certainly does not have the congratulatory fanfare I planned to have after my year of writing.  What did I say at the beginning, 365 posts in one year?  Hmm, didn't even make it to half of that.  I'm going to sign off now before I depress myself, (or you, my dear loyal readers), anymore.  When will I be back?  Not sure.  Hopefully this is just a temporary hiatus til I get my mojo back.  Thanks for all of your support and encouragement along the way.  I do feel like I have a message to share, I just have to regain my positive attitude and some direction for it to benefit anyone, including myself.

Girly Girl

It's official.  I am not now, nor do I ever care to be, a girly girl.  I've spent the last week doing all kinds of girly girl things in preparation for a cruise.  Hair color - check.  Facial - check.  Mani/pedi - check.  Tanning - check.  Yes, I even succumbed to the tanning.  And it was completely out of vanity, I won't even attempt to use the, "I was trying not to burn" excuse.

I've only been in a tanning bed about 3 times in my life, and I hate every minute of it.  I spend the whole time in the bed thinking I can feel the skin cancer beginning it's assault.  The guilt overwhelms me.  I stay out of the sun all summer long, and yet here I am deliberately bombarding myself with UVA and UVB sans sunscreen.  And I'm almost embarrassed to admit why I decided to tan.  Day one of our previous cruise.  Picture time.  We're all smiling, happy, wearing our leis, fruity drink in hand, and my legs are a shade of white I have never seen before on a human being.  I need to wear sunglasses just to look at the picture.  So because of that, I have subjected myself to the possibility of an early death, or maybe some extra premature wrinkles.  At least I waited til the last day of tanning to burn.

I can't say I didn't enjoy the facial and mani/pedi, they just consumed a lot of time.  Time I would have rather spent doing something else.  I am not one to spend a lot of time on my appearance, especially in the morning.  When I'm at work, if I have to be in the hotel lobby at 4:30 am, I get up at 4am.  And that's to leave the room at 4:20.  Some of the flight attendants I work with are amazed by this.  If they have to lobby at 4:30am, they are up by 3am.  That also explains why they always appear perfectly put together, and why my nails are always ragged and I look like I could use some lipstick.

I now have a new respect for the women that walk by me on the street completely polished and put together, looking like they have just spent the day in a spa.  It's because they have.  I used to envy those women, and wonder why I didn't look like them.  Now I realize why I don't look like them.  I just don't want to spend the time or effort it requires.

The most enjoyable part of the week has been my son's reaction to my manicure.  He's probably only seen me wear nail polish about 3 times in his life.  Anywhere we've been for the last 2 days, he asks me to take off my boots and show people my "toe painting."  Maybe I should try to make a little more effort.  But I think after next week I'll be going back to my old ways - plain old ragged nails, pasty white skin, and chapstick.  And that's just fine with me.

The Catalyst

I just started the second "semester" of my Transformative Writing workshop.  It is the first actual class I have taken to further my writing ability, and it is also helping me with my spiritual evolution.  The first four sessions helped me uncover personal blocks, as well as some issues that are blocking me as a writer.

For example, I realized that every time I presented something for class, I never followed through with the suggested changes from the instructor.  If I was told to work on a certain paragraph of a poem, I would attempt it, and then quickly give up and write another poem instead.  If I was told to explore my relationship with my father, I would dutifully start writing about that, but then suddenly veer off in another direction.  I rarely followed through with what I was supposed to be doing.

I've come up with two excuses for not following directions.  Option one is that I have a very short attention span.  I know this to be true, because I can't stand to revise my writing.  Once it's on the paper I feel like I want to move on to something else, not go back and rehash what I've already written.  Not a good trait if I want to get serious about writing - perfect for the brevity of a blog.  Option two is a little more challenging.  The class, after all, is called Transformative Writing.  The writing assignments have definitely helped me grow and uncover personal issues, and I think when I'm on the brink of a "transformation" I get scared.  I know I'm about to get to the juicy stuff, and I chicken out.  Today, I did not chicken out.

I have been sick all week, and spent most of the day in bed on Sunday.  I should have been sleeping, but instead I decided to write a poem.  A pretty good poem.  I sent it to my instructor, and he suggested probing a bit deeper into a section.  This time, I listened.

I sat down and started having a conversation with myself, and writing it all down on the paper.  What am I afraid of?  Why do I need external praise? Why do I need validation? Why don't I feel good enough? Worthy?  At first the answers didn't come, it was just me writing questions.  As I continued to probe I started to hear the answers in my head, so I wrote those down too.  I continued to write whatever popped into my head until suddenly, out of nowhere, I had my "a-ha" moment.  The reason I have been so critical of myself all of my life.  And I never saw it coming.

I am continually amazed at what my mind will discover on it's own, if I just give it the chance to drift and find it's own rhythm.  I have used this question and answer exercise before, and have always had good results.  I think when I remove my over-thinking rational mind from the process, the true answers become more readily apparent.

Writing is very cathartic and a great catalyst.  I had intended to write great therapist in the last sentence, but wrote catalyst without even realizing it.  I guess it is that too.  As long as I'm writing, I'm transforming and developing.  My personal growth and transformation today feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Hopefully that realization will make me actually listen to my teacher from now on, and not shy away from the hard stuff.  Now if you will excuse me, I have a poem that is awaiting a revision.

A Reminder to Myself

"Obstacles are necessary for success . . . as in all careers
of importance, victory comes only after many struggles and
countless defeats. Yet each struggle, each defeat, sharpens
your skills and strengths, your courage and your endurance,
your ability and your confidence and thus each obstacle is a
comrade-in-arms forcing you to become better . . . or quit.
Each rebuff is an opportunity to move forward; turn away from
them, avoid them, and you throw away your future."

~ Og Mandino ~

Pardon Me, I'm Coming Through

What could I accomplish if I got out of my own way?  And more importantly, what's with the self-sabotage?

One of my goals lately has been to stop using the word should.  I have to admit, it's not going very well.  "I should get out of bed and do yoga.  I should start writing -a blog, a story, a journal entry, anything.  I should go through that pile of mail.  I should do the numerous "get organized" house projects I have been waiting for winter to accomplish.  Guess what?  Winter is halfway over, and the projects are still not complete."  With this tape playing in my head all day, it's no wonder I was feeling sorry for myself and lacked the motivation to do anything.

After some introspection this evening, I realized that the only thing stopping me from doing all of these things was myself.  I didn't have to wait for or depend on anyone else, I just had to make the conscious decision to get moving.  That thought on it's own actually helped me accomplish a few things.  Then I had a bit of a revelation while I was discussing my situation with a friend.  It still amazes me that I can ponder a situation all day long in my head, and it is not until I actually engage my brain to talk about the issue that the answer suddenly becomes crystal clear.

As a child, we hear from various sources that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, etc.  I am lucky enough as an adult to only have one person that still talks to me that way.  That person is me.   By not accomplishing tasks I feel I "should" be doing, I am unwittingly keeping that same old message of unworthiness playing in my head.  Why do I feel the need to put myself down when no one else is?  I have no idea.  Maybe to keep myself stuck?  Or is it the fear of what I could accomplish if I got out of my own way?  I guess the fact that I am conscious of what I am doing is a good first step.

During the discussion with my friend, I also remembered something useful that would have helped me all day long had I remembered it earlier.  I had an intense reiki session with two of my friends last night.  When it was my turn, they worked on my solar plexus chakra (self esteem and ego), and my sacral chakra (control, guilt, creativity).  I released some major issues I was holding on to.  So much so that the recurring thought that kept running through my head afterwards was "I am confident."  I have never in my life said or felt those three words regarding myself.  What I conveniently forgot was that the day after a session like that, I need to be kind to myself.  Relax and be gentle.  Moving that amount of energy and those kind of long held beliefs takes an adjustment period, and it was normal for me to be out of sorts today.

Part of my fear today was that I was sliding back into a period of unproductive malaise.  After some thought redirection, I realized that instead of the start of a downward spiral this could be the first day of my ascension.  Out of the ashes of the control freak, guilt ridden, low self esteem person I was yesterday, rises the self confident person I have always wished I could be.  Sounds good.  Now I just have to make myself believe it.

Failure

My entire life I have been afraid of failing.  I have always been an overachiever, going above and beyond what was required of me so that I didn't have to deal with failure.  When I decided I wanted to become a pilot, failure was never an option.  I did whatever I had to do to succeed.  I never had a Plan B, because the thought of not accomplishing Plan A never even crossed my mind.

Does that mean everything worked out perfectly for me and exactly the way I planned it?  Of course not.  What it means is that when something happened that was outside my control (or within my control such as a bad choice or decision), I used it as an opportunity for growth.  Instead of letting it derail my Success Express, I learned from it and moved on.

By expecting nothing but success, I was unconsciously using the Law Of Attraction.  I was creating a positive outcome for myself, because I was only thinking about the positive goal I wanted to create.  I did not spend time focusing on what I didn't want to have happen.  Sometimes by focusing on what we don't want, we inadvertently draw those exact things towards us.

My positive thoughts about becoming a pilot have served me well.  I have a great job, some would say one of the best jobs in the airline industry.  And yet I find myself unfulfilled.  I am feeling called to start something new.  To help people through my writing.  And the thought of that is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  Over the past few years, my fear of failing has somehow overtaken my ability to envision only success.  Whether it be age, wisdom, or fear, I find myself in the position of being afraid of the unknown.  I had to write the previous paragraphs to remind myself that what I accomplished once can easily be accomplished again with the right attitude.

I mentioned to a friend of mine that my fear of failing as a writer was starting to hold me back.  She then asked what I considered failure.   I said that I felt like a failure if I didn't accomplish my goals, or if I didn't finish what I had set out to do.  She told me to replace the word fail with learn or evolve.  Instead of thinking I've failed, realize that I have learned something from the experience.  If I did not achieve the goal, maybe it wasn't the right goal in the first place.  By having the courage to show up and make the effort, I have evolved and changed the experience into what it was meant to be for me to grow.  In her mind, the only way to fail is to not try.

One of my current goals is to release judgement of myself and others.  My own opinions make a situation good or bad - without them the situation just is.  The labels that I give something, either good or bad, are what affect my feelings towards the situation.  If I remove my judgements regarding failing, and realize that it is neither good nor bad, there is no reason to fear it anymore.

If I start something new and it doesn't go according to plan, then I take the lesson and the evolution and I move on.  If I go back to my teenage attitude of invincibility, then I will accomplish whatever it is I set out to do anyway.  Focus on what I want, instead of what I want to avoid.  And if there is no Plan B, then Plan A has to work.  And Plan A is looking better and better all the time.