Waiting for the Butterfly

So I mentioned in the last post that I have been feeling unmotivated.  I finished the Artist's Way, which I was completely enthusiastic about the first 8 weeks.  The last 4 weeks I lost interest, and it felt like something I "should" do instead of something I wanted to do.  I'll explain later why I keep putting "should" in quotes.  I am still writing 3 pages of conscience streaming most mornings, which is part of the reason I haven't had time to blog.  It will be interesting to see which one has to give if I can't do both.

Since finishing the Artist's Way, I've been looking for some new direction, a new purpose.  I feel like I'm treading water, and I don't know where to go next.  I need to do something big with my life, something meaningful, but I can't for the life of me figure out what that is.  Feeling like a boat without a rudder (or even a destination), I scheduled a private session with my reiki instructor to try to gain some insight.

While I was trying to describe my predicament, I mentioned that I felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon.  Deep down I knew that I was supposed to be waiting, gaining strength, resting for whatever big thing was coming next.  I knew I shouldn't let the waiting/lack of motivation frustrate me, but the fact that I knew that and couldn't help it just made me more frustrated.

My teacher pointed out to me that even though the caterpillar emerges from the cocoon as a beautiful butterfly, there is a lot of work going on in the cocoon.  If you open the cocoon too early, it's just a bunch of mush.  I have to give myself time to transform, to shed the old me and invent the new.  The subject of rebirth rears it's head again.

She recommended a book to me, "When the Heart Waits", by Sue Monk Kidd.  Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions.  I have only read the first 50 pages so far, but by page 12 I was in tears.  (Good tears).  An excerpt from the section of the book titled "The Spiritual Art of Cocooning" -
"The Greek word for soul is psyche, and is often symbolized as a butterfly".  Both the soul and the butterfly are metamorphosed."  Could explain why I have a strange fascination with butterflies the last few weeks.


Kidd also quotes Swiss psychiatrist CG Jung quite often, which is interesting because I have been feeling called to read his works, I just haven't made the time.  Another quote from the book - "Jung believed that "every midlife crisis is a spiritual crisis, that we are called to die to the old self (ego), the fruit of the first half of life and liberate the new man or woman within us."  Here is a hidden and misunderstood turning point of the soul, I thought.  Sadly, not every person will maneuver its convoluted mazes.  Would I?"

Midlife crisis.  Could that really describe what I'm going through?  I thought that only applied to men who wanted sports cars and 20 year old girlfriends.  As I approach 40 I realize that that is what I'm going through.  It's just not material or sexual, it's a spiritual midlife crisis.  I realize I'm ready to let go of the ego (I think) and develop my full and true self.

This book has been a revelation to me, and has brought me unexplainable peace.  I'm now ok with the waiting, with the seeming directionless turn in my life, because I know the direction will appear when I am ready.  I am now content to wait, not feeling lazy or useless, but waiting to shed the old layers of my self and develop the new.

I have had strange encounters with butterflies this week.  While on the river, three different times a butterfly flew right by the boat.  I've never seen a butterfly in the middle of the river before.  I went for a walk in the state park with my husband and son yesterday.  There were butterflies everywhere.  And I don't mean the little moth-like brown and orange butterflies, although they were there too.  There were lots of yellow and black tiger swallowtails, and two different kinds of blue and black butterflies.


We were by a waterfall and I saw one of the most amazing things I have ever seen and hope I never forget.  There were six butterflies together in one spot on the ground.  Three yellow and black swallowtails on the left, and three black and blue beauties on the right.

I don't believe in coincidences anymore, I like to call it synchronicity.  Or in this case maybe a sign.  Whatever it was, it let me know that I was on the right path.  That I'm exactly where I need to be, even though I can't see the end goal or even the next step.  Someday, I will unfurl my wings and become that butterfly.  And hopefully I can inspire someone with awe and wonder the way those six butterflies inspired me.  Someday.

It's Been A Long Time

It really has been a long time since I've blogged about anything original.  It's been an  interesting few months.  I have been unmotivated, unorganized, and haven't felt like doing anything.  But at the same time, I've had one of the best summers of my life.

I have felt I "should" start blogging again for a long time, but I have had several things happen this week that have made me want to blog.  Even still, I have procrastinated for the last 3 hours.  It's time to stop running away and get my thoughts down on paper - err, computer.

I have so much to catch up on, so I'm just going to start with the last week and fill in the rest later.  My son had his first summer camp this week, so I had my afternoons free.  Since he isn't in preschool, this was quite a luxury for me, and I took full advantage of it.

I started with an acupuncture session on Tuesday.  I have been feeling incredibly irritable and grouchy, with tremendous mood swings.  It's like PMS without the MS.  I went through a period like this several weeks after I started my candida diet, but then I was negative and depressed as well.  I guess having nothing to eat but brown rice and vegetables would depress anyone.  Although I couldn't see it at the time, a friend pointed out to me later that I was going through a healing crisis.  It was like a lightbulb went off when she said that, I don't know why I couldn't figure it out for myself.  I haven't looked at the rest of this website, but it had a good description of a healing crisis so I am including it.

http://falconblanco.com/health/crisis.htm

So I went to the acupuncturist hoping for some relief, from my mood swings and my allergies.  It appears that the diet really is helping, because I have been suffering from allergies again since I fell off the food wagon on vacation.  But that's another story.  What I got was more than an acupuncture session.  I learned an amazing technique called EFT.

http://www.eftuniverse.com/images/stories/6-4-10/telegrapheft.pdf

I highly recommend looking at the above link, because it gives a pretty good description from an unbiased perspective.  If you don't have time to look at the link, here is a quick description.  The theory behind EFT is that all emotional upsets are caused by disturbances in the body's energy system. Correct the disturbance, and the emotional upset dissipates. This doesn't mean that we don't feel any emotion, rather that we have a tool that can neutralise excessive emotion. (Copied from eft.net.nz)


Previously, I would have lumped EFT in with things like muscle testing.  But again, seeing is believing.  As I started tapping on my meridians, repeating the phrase, "even though I've been a bitch lately, I love and approve of myself", I felt a little self conscious.  No, I felt ridiculous.  But at the end of the tapping an amazing thing happened.  I didn't feel bitchy anymore. 

My acupuncturist gave me a handout that described the sequence so I could practice at home.  I don't know where it came from, but when I find out I will post it.  I think the information may have come from this site, but I haven't had a chance to check it out yet.

 http://www.eftuniverse.com/

I keep thinking about how wonderful it would be to teach this technique to kids.  I plan to learn more about it, because it really fascinates me.  I have a feeling this is going to lead me down a whole new path.  Lets just hope I stick with it, unlike the blog.  I'm working on that though, and it's good to be back.  

My main problem with the blog is it's so time consuming.  This post has just taken me an hour, and the only reason I have time to write it is because I'm sitting in the hotel at work.  Since I've hardly worked this summer (maybe part of the reason it's been so enjoyable), I don't have many days that I can devote an hour to writing.  But I will make a sincere promise to try.  Until something else distracts me.

Where have I been? In a cocoon, waiting for the butterfly.

The Chrysalis

Just a Quote

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities you  can achieve when you believe in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us. 

No time to write, but I can link

If you're still doubtful of the dangers of genetically modified food, check this out.


http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/05/22/jeffrey-smith-interview-april-24.aspx

Just a Quote

Real learning comes about when the competitive spirit has ceased.

Cheesy - In Honor Of Mother's Day

    

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;

They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils 

Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,

Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough

Doesn't come out of carpets.

(And I'd like to add my own here, silly putty doesn't come out of socks)

Real Mothers don't want to know what

The vacuum just sucked up....

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'

And get their answer when a little

Voice says, 'Because I love you best..'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth

Is not measured by height or years or grade...

It is marked by the progression of Mommy to

Mom to Mother........

Happy Mother's Day