From Runways to Reiki

Dark Night of the Soul

2012-01-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

The past two months have been extremely difficult. Lacking motivation, I berated myself for my laziness and inability to accomplish much of anything. Physical symptoms began to accompany the already uncomfortable mood swings and feelings of anxiety I was experiencing. Multiple sessions to the Naturopath, hundreds of dollars in supplements, and many reiki sessions could not alleviate my dark mood.

During this time, one of the few things I managed to routinely accomplish was a brief morning meditation. It was during one of these meditation sessions that I encountered the phrase, "Dark Night of the Soul." Having no idea what it meant, an exhaustive internet search ensued, leading me to peruse every type of website available on the topic.

A straight forward entry from Wikipedia decribes a Dark Night of the Soul as "a metaphor used to describe a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another description I found incredibly helpful was this page from themystic.org, which calls the Dark Night a transformation brought about by dismantling of the ego.

Once I began to accept the events of the last few weeks as positive rather than negative, things began to change. Rather than continually praying for the experience to end, total surrender was beginning to lift the dark cloud I had allowed to engulf me. As my ego began to fall away, I discovered I no longer felt the same way about issues that had upset me in the past. I accepted responsibility for situations where I had wronged someone else, rather than blaming them. I realized that my defensiveness and need to self protect no longer served me. Although still a work in progress, I was able to see my controlling nature for what it was, a detriment to my well being.

With gratitude I slowly ascend from the Dark Night, and realize it was a necessary part of my evolution. There is much inner growth left to accomplish, and everything is not back to sunshine and roses. Learning to accept the experience rather than fight it, my anxiousness continues to fall away and inner peace begins to emerge. Surrender is not giving up, but giving in, so that the light may begin to shine anew.

The Challenge of Staying Present

2012-01-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

Present. A gift to myself for the new year. More valuable than anything I could buy, and more costly. My word for the year, present, has been more of a challenge than I initially anticipated.

I explained in my last blog that remaining in the present moment has always been a challenge for me. I decided to embrace the word present for this year, without realizing what a massive undertaking it was going to be. I discovered this week how infrequently my mind inhabits the same space as my body.

For example, I was lying awake in bed last night, running through my laundry list of worries. As my mind drifted downstairs to our brand new refrigerator with the mysterious scratch on the front door (a byproduct of our New Year's Eve party no doubt), I decided to put the brakes on. I used the mantra I have uttered what feels like a million times in the four days of the new year. "In this moment everything is fine. I am safe. All is well." Within minutes I drifted off to sleep.

I used the same approach while traveling to work on New Year's Day. I sat in the back of the airplane, getting upset about something that had happened at home earlier. I forced myself to look out the window at the sunset, and see the beauty of the present moment. It was amazing to see the sun above the clouds, when minutes ago I had been in the murky overcast snowstorm on the earth's surface. In that moment, everything was fine. Had I continued my trip down worry lane into the past, I would have missed the beauty outside my window.

Trying to remain present has been a bit of an epiphany for me. I knew that most of my worries focused on the "what if's" of the future and the "if only's" of the past. What I didn't realize was how much of my life was consumed by these thoughts. I have many projects lined up for this year, but staying present is the most important. It is the project that can bring me the most immense growth, peace, and happiness. Because in this moment, everything is just fine.

Present for the New Year

2011-12-31T06:58:00.000-08:00

December is my favorite time of year, but this month has been different. I'm struggling through a period of immense personal growth, physical and emotional. It isn't easy, and finding the motivation to do anything has been a challenge. I can't even seem to get "in the zone" to write. I'm forcing myself today, even though this post might not be up to my standards, because I want to state an intention for the new year.

A friend of mine has a New Year's tradition. Instead of making a resolution, he chooses one word to represent his intention for the coming year. One word. The idea immediately resonated with me. It sounded easy, until I actually sat down to attempt it. So many areas need attention, how could I narrow it down to just one?

Focus definitely applied. So did organization. And peace, relax, forgive, etc etc. I finally chose the word that kept popping up continually in my reiki sessions and meditation. The word that I have struggled with all year, and probably for a lifetime. The word that eludes me, causing me to miss the little things in life because I am so focused on the big things. The word is present.

Present, not as in a gift, but present to this very moment. The most challenging word I could pick to focus on, and the one with the greatest rate of return if I can manage it (No, when I manage it.) The mind cannot be in two places at once, and I am missing considerable information in the present by allowing my mind to travel to a future date. By focusing on the present, I am giving myself the gift of valuable insight for a future event.

Yesterday I realized what an enormous undertaking it would be for me to stay present. I was having a combination reiki/massage session. As I lay on the massage table, my monkey mind time traveled to exhaustion. What time would I pick up my son, would I have time to prepare for our NYE party, when would I pack for work the next day, when was my appointment at the end of the month, what was I going to do about giving reiki in February. Each time I found my mind wandering from the present, I gently nudged it back. And within a few minutes it was off having another adventure in the future.

Staying present may be one of the hardest New Year's resolutions I have ever attempted. Daily exercise or giving up chocolate seem easy compared to this. It will take practice, but I know I can do it. This is what I need, and I am listening. May your New Year be filled with love, peace, prosperity, and a word just challenging enough to help you grow.

Happy Solstice

2011-12-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

Winter Solstice. The shortest day of the year. A time to go within, take stock, set intentions.

Is it ironic that the time of year we should be turning inward, focusing on ourselves, being gentle, is the most frantic, hectic, commitment laden time of the year? The commercialization of the season has really bothered me this year. I'm trying to shift gears, to find out what is really important, and do away with that which has no meaning. Are Christmas cards really that important to me, or can I let go of the need to show everyone how much my son has grown? Do I really need to buy meaningless gifts for everyone, or is a thought or kind word enough? (The gift recipients may disagree, which poses a dilemma). Am I better off spending my time pulling my hair out at a mall, or spending time doing things that nourish my soul? That last question has fueled my spiritual growth in immense ways today.

I have to make one last trip to the mall before Christmas, and I have procrastinated until what feels like the last minute. I had planned to do this today, as I can't stand to have it hanging over my head any longer. But something is telling me today is not the day to go to the mall. Today is the day to celebrate the solstice, the return of the sun. To get my house in order, make myself comfortable, cozy, nourished, instead of frazzled, disgusted, and surrounded by negative energy.

The weight of everything I "should" be doing right now is weighing on me. I'm trying hard not to feel like I've wasted the morning. Taking the time to write this blog, which felt so right when I sat down to do it, now feels like a waste of time. My ego is screaming at me to get up and do something useful, but my soul has me glued to the chair to finish what I started. To finish my "self care", which in the past has felt very "selfish" (and still does if I am honest). To do what needs to be done on this day where the light begins to return, the days get longer, and growth begins again.

Hibernation

2011-12-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

An animal hibernates to conserve energy during times of scarcity or stress. An essential phase of life - a gift that ensures survival. I have spent the last month in hibernation. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it until two days ago. Rather than considering it a gift, it has been a great source of anxiety. My brain fog, lack of motivation, and inability to accomplish much of anything has all been a great source of frustration. Instead of embracing my hibernation as a period of renewal and growth, I have done everything in my power to avoid this period of slowing down and going within. This period so essential to my survival.

I have prayed and bargained with God. I have been extremely critical of myself, wondering what could be wrong with me because I can't seem to get anything done. One step forward, two steps back - again and again and again. I have sought many outside references for relief. MD's for physical conditions, life coaches for spiritual solutions, always looking outside of myself for the answers. But the answers have been right here all along. After a reiki healing attunement on Saturday, I finally opened my eyes to the truth.

I don't need anyone else to heal myself. I have all the answers I need within. I keep praying to God to help me find someone to "fix" my problems, and he has, but I haven't been listening. I AM the solution to my problems. I have the key to unlock my restlessness. This period of hibernation has been forced upon me to make me slow down and see. See the steps I need to take(not the ones I think I need to take), see the growth that needs to happen before I can rocket forward. Embrace the changes that are happening in a gradual way, I am the only one rushing myself. I need this time to incubate. To rest, recharge, and renew, so when the time comes to emerge from my cave I am prepared. Prepared for the new direction my life is about to take.

I know what I need to nourish my body, but I haven't been listening. I eat things I know I shouldn't. I ignore the pleas to stretch and strengthen thru yoga. I find it more important to accomplish one more task than to sit and quiet my mind in mediation. I am over scheduled and over-worried and I've done it all to myself. I am the only one that can undo it. I'm the only one that can make it better.

I've been searching for a guru, and the guru has been right here all along. Now it's time to listen. I had a million things I wanted to get done this week, but I am giving myself an early Christmas gift. I'm not going to do anything I feel I "should" do, only what I want to do. A tall order, being that I have so much left to accomplish before Saturday. I've been ignoring myself and my needs for far too long, and I deserve this. How perfect, the best Christmas gift, given to myself.

I will not say a harsh word to myself all week. I will not force events to go a certain way, but sit back and let them unfold as they should. I will rest, relax, and enjoy this beautiful world and this beautiful life I am blessed to be living. And most of all, I will believe.

I See The Moon And The Moon Sees Me

2011-12-10T02:23:00.001-08:00

As I padded downstairs at 5 AM, I wondered if I had left a light on in the kitchen. Turning the corner I realized that it was the full moon illuminating the entire backyard. I was ecstatic, because the only reason I was up so early was to attempt to see part of the eclipse. As I live on the east coast, I knew it was unlikely. But the thought had me out of bed anyway, instead of sound asleep nursing my cold.

The full moon is considered by many to be a time for setting new intentions. The last month has been a challenge for me, and I intended to signal (to myself and the universe) that I was ready to shift into high gear and move forward.

After spending half an hour admiring the moon thru the window, I decided to brave the frigid morning air and sneak outside. I had an overwhelming desire to stand out in the moonlight, without a house or window blocking the magical glow. As I walked out the door after bundling up, I was shocked to see a line of clouds inching towards the moon. The sky had been completely clear moments ago, and I was thankful I hadn't delayed 5 minutes longer. I quickly stated my intentions.

"I release anything that no longer serves my highest good. I am at peace, relaxed, happy, healthy, and calm. I have all the time I need. I release the need for control, including the illusion of controlling time. By being all of who I am, I move forward joyfully with grace and ease (my current mission statement). I am willing to go where my intuition guides me, and let everything that is unnecessary fall away."

That's all I managed to say before the clouds engulfed the moon. The moon fought valiantly, shining thru the clouds for longer than I would have thought possible.

It's almost surreal as I sit here typing this 20 minutes later. The darkness is so dense, I can't even see past the window. Even though I watched it happen, I'm still sitting here with my mouth open. I can't get my mind around the fact that the world went from daylight to darkness at 5:30 am. I guess we'll call it the east coast eclipse. I'm just thankful I was up early enough to witness it.

When Worlds Collide

2011-12-08T10:34:00.001-08:00

Until recently, I have kept a strict separation between my work as a reiki master and my job as a pilot. I rarely talked about reiki at work. I assumed (and you know what they say about assuming) that most people either wouldn't be interested, or that they wouldn't understand. A majority of the people I work with are very traditional in their mindsets and values. I worried about being judged because I was doing something "different." As much as I feared being "found out," I was causing myself more pain by trying to hide the activities and spiritual pursuits I was most passionate about.

Last month I flew with a co-worker who was very stressed out. I intuitively felt that receiving reiki could comfort her and calm her down. When we arrived at our hotel, I offered to give her reiki. Since that day, I haven't tried to hide what I do regarding reiki and my holistic lifestyle. My last trip, I gave my Captain some nutrition suggestions which he followed up on almost immediately.

My entire life I have tried to blend in with the crowd. I have always felt that being different was unsafe, that I was setting myself up for ridicule. I kept my head down and my mouth shut. Always quick to assume that someone's reaction to me would be negative, never considering it could just as likely be positive.

I've missed many opportunities to help people, because I've been afraid to open my mouth for fear of being judged. I guess that's the shadow at work again, and I still have some work to do on being judgmental. But I think I'm done hiding who I am. My avocation is becoming my vocation, and it's getting harder to separate my titles of Pilot and Reiki Master. My worlds are colliding, and after much resistance on my part, I'm finally ready to embrace the change.

Karyn's On Green

2011-12-03T17:01:00.001-08:00

Chorizo sliders. Crab sliders. Butternut squash soup. Kale slaw. Buffalo chicken wrap. That was my dinner last Friday night, and it was all vegan.

Although I have been a vegetarian for over ten years, when someone mentions being a vegan I find it hard to imagine what they eat every day. (For those of you that might not know, a vegan does not eat anything that comes from an animal, while a vegetarian may eat dairy and eggs). After a delicious meal at Karyn's on Green in Chicago, I think I could be converted.

From the window the restaurant looks like any other upscale Chicago eatery. My favorite vegetarian restaurant in Pittsburgh has a much different vibe (which I love), but you can tell from the window that it isn't a meat and potato kind of place. My carnivorous friends felt right at home at Karyn's, and they were as pleasantly surprised with the food as I was. We were planning a return trip before we even walked out the door.

After watching the movie "Forks Over Knives," I have been considering a move towards a vegan lifestyle. I am also considering taking an e-Cornell class on plant based nutrition. The course will not only teach me about plant based nutrition, but also how to discuss nutrition in a non judgmental way. As I'm finding out, food is a hot button topic with some people. Even though I'm not trying to convert anyone to veganism (how can I when I haven't myself), I'm finding many people don't even want to discuss the topic.

To do this the right way I will be spending a lot more time cooking, and I must admit that feels a little daunting. I just need to start looking at cooking as a hobby or a family activity instead of a chore. I just can't wait until my son is old enough to use a knife. I need some help chopping all of those vegetables.

Wood For Dinner? No Thank You - EDITED AND REPUBLISHED

2011-12-03T05:10:00.000-08:00

Below is my original post from 11/28/11
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Rant alert.

I'm not even sure what to say about this article. Our friendly FDA, out to protect us. There is a push to have vitamin supplements only available by a doctor's prescription, but it's ok to eat wood? I think I'd rather have less fiber. Last time I checked, I wasn't a beaver.

15 Food Companies that Serve You "Wood"

If anyone has a counterargument or good side to this article, I would love to hear it. Hopefully, I'm overreacting.

Rant over.
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Dec. 3, 2011 edit

Well, I guess there is no question regarding how I feel about the FDA. The question is, why did I have to push my views on you, the reader? Why didn't I just say, "Here's an interesting article, see what you think?" It didn't feel quite right to publish that post, and I'm sure it didn't feel great to read it either.

While reading "Ensouling Language, on the Art of Nonfiction and the Writer's Life," by Stephen Harrod Buhner tonight, a chapter caused me to rethink this post, along with many other aspects of my writing.
Buhner writes, "We all have hidden baggage inside us, unexamined beliefs, attitudes, and orientations of mind we have internalized... Discovering, understanding, and deciding what to do about that hidden baggage is an inescapable part of our maturing.... Everything that you have not self-examined will eventually show up in your work...."

It's quite obvious I have some beliefs and attitudes showing up in the work begging to be examined. Which led me to the question, "Why am I writing in the first place?" The answer I came up with - "To help people be happy and healthy." By doing what? Conforming to what I think is the only way to be happy and healthy? I'm not even so happy or healthy myself right now (another post), so how can I help someone else if I can't help myself?

It was with that question that it all fell into place. I'm writing to help me. To examine my hidden baggage, my judgements, my ego. My attitude that I know what's best for everyone. One side effect of my continued spiritual growth has been my increasingly quick urge to judge people. Self reflection is definitely required to address that unwanted aspect of myself, as well as my feelings about issues that really fire me up, like the FDA.

Until I take care of some of this baggage, I will never be able to write in an unbiased manner. Writing to help myself grow and evolve feels selfish, but it is the only way I can move forward and eventually help others. I will never be able to help anyone else, which I so desperately want to do, until I help myself. I've said that over and over, and I think I am finally starting to understand.

A Coast to Coast Day in the Life

2011-11-30T17:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I need to be reminded that I have an amazing job. Like everyone else I start to take things for granted, and I forget that the routine things I do everyday seem incredibly interesting to people.

Take my last trip for instance. My mother called me at 9 am on Saturday morning. "I thought you were going to work?" she said. "I am. I'm already in Chicago," I replied. That day I flew to Portland Oregon, and watched the mist swirl around Mt. Hood as we descended to land.

The next morning I watched the sun rise over the Rockies, on my way to Denver and then on to Newark, NJ. The view of NYC wasn't as clear as it was last week, and I'm ashamed to admit I barely noticed it.

The third day had me flying back across the country to see the other ocean and land in LA. The fourth day was back to Chicago and then home for the holiday.

After discussing my schedule with a friend, I realized how unusual my work week had been compared to most people. I had been back and forth across the country 4 times in 4 days. Sadly, I only left the hotel once, in Portland. In the past I would do a lot of sight seeing on the road, but lately I have started using my time away from home to write, catch up on emails, and talk on the phone.

I bid for my schedule each month based on seniority. I'm lucky enough to have the seniority to be home with my family for the holidays. The airline industry runs 365 days a year, and there are a lot of employees sacrificing time off with their families to make sure everyone else makes it to Grandma's house for turkey. I'm grateful to all of my co-workers and anyone else that is required to work on the holidays. Thank you for holding down the fort, and I hope there was an extra big piece of pie for you when you arrived back home.

Finding My Boogie Shoes

2011-11-27T04:42:00.001-08:00

I have a love hate relationship with dancing. I love to dance, I just hate to dance in public. The source of my closet dancing was a college boyfriend. While on the dance floor at a bar, he leaned over and whispered something in my ear. Thinking I hadn't heard him correctly, I asked him to repeat himself. No, that was definitely what he said. I dance like a cow. Ever since then, the only time I would dance in public was in the middle of a crowd, and usually only after several drinks.

Last summer I met Becky - a smiling, dreadlocked, whirling dervish African dance instructor. Becky was a teacher at Jim Donovan's Summer Rhythm Renewal, a 4 day retreat of drumming, dancing, writing, and personal growth. Becky's passion for life is infectious. I have never seen anyone light up a room like she does, spreading the joy and bliss of dance. In the renewal atmosphere of love, compassion, and encouragement, I felt I could accomplish anything. I joined Becky's performance group, and after 3 nights of practice we performed at a concert. I was terrified, and absolutely exhilarated.

Fast forward to the Friday after Thanksgiving, two nights ago. My husband and son and I traveled to Johnstown, PA, to see a drum and dance performance by Becky and Jim and several other friends. We arrived early, while Becky and her dance group were warming up. Ironically, they were doing the same dance I had learned over the summer. Becky graciously invited me to join them for the performance. I thought about it for two seconds, and then politely turned her down. I told her I would dance with them after their performance was over.

And that was when it happened, the turning point of the night, and the last twenty years. My five year old looked at me and said innocently, "Mama, that sounds like a scaredy cat." How did he know? Was the apprehension and fear seeping out of my pores? And how did he know I needed to be called on it? How did he know that I secretly wanted to dance, but was letting the shame from all those years ago keep me from having a good time?

I didn't end up dancing with the group for their performance, but I did dance several times when audience participation was encouraged. We were sitting in the front row, and halfway thru the concert my son grabbed my hand. No one else was on the dance floor, but he wanted to dance. There was no one to hide behind, no alcohol fueled propulsion to give me the sensation of being a better dancer. I thought about being a scaredy cat. I thought about the memories I could create for my son (and myself), if I stepped out of my comfort zone and onto my feet. I thought about the shame I had carried around for twenty years, and wondered if it was still serving me. In front of almost 100 people, I decided it wasn't. I danced with my son.

Would I have danced that night if my son hadn't called me a scaredy cat? Probably not. I'm sure he doesn't realize the profound impact his statement has had on my life. From now on, every time I contemplate a challenge to my own self imposed limitations, I will ask myself if I am being a scaredy cat. The answer will most likely be yes, but the outcome will be much different. I will now use the butterflies in my stomach to propel me out of my seat, and onto the dance floor.

Giving Thanks

2011-11-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

I am thankful. I am tremendously lucky to have a supporting, loving husband, and an adorable, precocious child that teaches me more than I could ever teach him. I have a loving extended family, a beautiful victorian house, and a job that satiates my desire to be somewhere else. I am blessed with wonderful new friends who inspire, challenge, and teach me something new every day, and old friends who remind me of who I am and where I've been. And I am blessed with an unbelievable spiritual awakening, driving me to become something bigger and better than I ever thought possible. For all of this and more, I am thankful. Blessings to all.

Easy Breezy

2011-11-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

My foray into alternative health started around 10 yearsago, right about the time of my 30^th birthday. I started developing allergies, whichworsened every year until I was around 35. Traditional western medicine offered me no cures, as theblood tests concluded I wasn’t allergic to anything. I have since found that my allergic symptoms seem to varygreatly depending on what I choose to eat.

I have tried to adhere to a gluten free diet for the lastyear or so, with varying degrees of success. I commented to my new naturopath/homeopath that I was havingdifficulty being a gluten free vegetarian with my travel schedule. She told me that she has various foodallergies as well, and that it is easy to travel and be gluten free.

Her comment bothered me on several levels. First of all, I completely disagreedthat it was easy. It was easIERthan it was a year ago when I started, because now I knew what to substitutefor wheat. As a long timevegetarian, I had been eating wheat and dairy at almost every meal. She had been gluten free for so longthat I thought she had forgotten how hard the lifestyle change was when firstgoing gluten free.

Secondly, her comment gave me an uncomfortable feeling aboutmyself. I thought to myself, “ifshe’s saying it’s easy, then there must be something wrong with me because Ithink it’s so hard. “

I have achemically sensitive friend, and one day I mentioned that it must be reallyhard for her to eat out because she is allergic to so many things. She replied, “It is as hard as I chooseto make it.” That statementresonated with me and made me feel good. The naturopath telling me it was easy when I knew it wasn't just made me frustrated and grouchy.

Another friend of mine suggested that instead of saying,“It’s as hard as I choose to make it,” that I say “it’s as easy as I choose tomake it,” – using a positive term instead of a negative. That didn’t feel right to me. Why did it feel better to say hardinstead of easy? Did I needsomeone to acknowledge that what I was doing was difficult? And why was I making it difficult? Why couldn’t I say it was easy?

“I think youjust have a problem with the concept of easy,” my friend said. I argued that if I told her flying aplane was easy that she might not agree. Gluten free might be easy for someone else, but not for me. She then came up with a profoundconcept that suddenly put everything into perspective for me.

Anything is easy when we decide to go “all in”. When we fully commit to something withall of our heart, soul, and determination, it is easy. It’s while we are still on the fencethat it is hard. I know from myups and downs with my diet over the past year that I am not fully committed toa gluten free lifestyle. When Ifinally make that decision, then it will be easy. But until then, it’s as hard as I choose to make it.

A Simple Thank You

2011-11-21T16:01:00.001-08:00

My morning in Newark didn't start out very well. I won't give the details, but suffice it to say I witnessed several acts of bad behavior by grown ups pretending to be children. Actually, they weren't pretending, they WERE acting like children. The Newark airport itself can be challenging even on the best of days, so I wasn't in the best frame of mind to begin with. I couldn't wait to get the day over with before it had even started.

I spent the first third of the 6 hour flight to Phoenix in a bad mood. Somewhere over no man's land I had a realization. (This has been a good "thinking" trip for me). I have been reading Gretchen Rubin's book, "The Happiness Project." The book details Gretchen's year of trying to make her life happier, by changing something small every month. I have been trying to adopt some of her ideas and suggestions, and they have really made a difference. I decided to stop being annoyed with the people on my plane, and find my way back to happiness by developing an attitude of gratitude.

Today is the Monday before Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for, including some of the less than pleasant people on my flight. By buying a ticket they are supporting my airline, which in turn provides my paycheck. I decided to acknowledge and thank every person on the flight, even the ones who might not have deserved it. I told the folks how much I appreciated that they came out to fly with us today, and I was grateful that they were helping me support my family.

My little gesture of appreciation helped to cheer me up, and I hoped it would make the passengers happier too. The 140 mile an hour headwind directly on our nose had made us 25 minutes late into Phoenix, so I was looking for a bright side anywhere I could find it. I don't know if it made the passengers feel any better, but it sure supported my own happiness project. I enjoyed it so much that I decided I'm going to thank someone every day this week. Not just family and friends, but someone that wouldn't normally be expecting a thank you from me.

I think I'll try it again right now. Thank you for reading this blog. It gives me immense pleasure to know that someone out there is interested in what I have to say. And I thank myself for continuing to write the blog, even when it's uncomfortable to say certain things, or when I'm not sure that anyone is actually reading. See, it worked. I don't know about you, but I've got a big smile on my face. I can't wait to see who I can guerrilla thank tomorrow.

My "A-HA" Moment at 30,000'

2011-11-20T16:57:00.001-08:00

As you might imagine, I spend a lot of time at work staring out the window, with plenty of time to ponder. I had a realization today at 30,000', somewhere between Denver and Newark. I discovered that the reason I stopped writing this summer was the same reason that my son didn't want to draw anymore. (See the previous Everyone's an Artist post for an explanation of his dilemma).

This spring my friend and I participated in a private writing class with a wonderful instructor. I was working on a long poem for the assignment. My father passed away in 2006, and my poem focused on exploring my relationship with him on a deeper level. As I approached revision number 15 of the poem, I not only lost interest, but I found myself not wanting to write at all for a while.

My apathy towards writing wasn't due to any fault of the instructor. I admire and respect his advice, and with each suggestion and revision the poem became much better from a technical standpoint. But it felt too much like work to me. I am very impatient, and I don't enjoy the editing process. Blog posts seem to be the perfect medium for me - short, sweet, and not a lot of re-writes. Re-working the same poem over and over again removed the joy of just throwing a fresh idea out on paper. Instead, I was trying to massage every sentence into the perfect visual image. Revising the poem made me delve deeper into my own personal growth, as well as evolve as a writer. But somewhere along the way I lost the passion to write.

So I go back to the question I posed with my son. Where is the line between teaching the correct way to draw, write, create, etc. - and stifling creativity? In my case, the writing class made my work more interesting for other people to read, and more technically correct. But the critique, although thoroughly positive and for my own growth, also made me stop writing. How can I evolve as a writer without instruction? How do I allow my inner voice to creatively express without feeling censored, when I still have so much to learn? What is the correct balance?

I guess for now, the answer is to do whatever it takes to keep me writing. Right now it feels best to focus on thought over form. Just like my son, if I become distracted by creating "correctly" instead of just writing for the sheer joy of expression, then I will quickly become discouraged. I may not win any awards for grammar or punctuation, but if I can inspire someone to think than that's all that matters. And that's what will keep me writing.

Everyone's an Artist

2011-11-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

There is no right and wrong when it comes to art. Everyone's an artist. I am an artist. Until last year, I would have said the previous three statements were lies. And then I met my friend Stephanie.

Stephanie is an artist at the Banana Factory in Bethlehem, PA. She is also a gifted workshop facilitator, and the goal of her classes is to "encourage creativity without fear of judgement." Before I attended her workshop, I believed everything about creating art that I had been told as a child. I'm not a good artist, I cannot replicate with my hand what I see with my eye so I should just give it up, my art does not look like everyone else's, I'm not creative enough, etc. etc. Stephanie made me realize that as long as I have the ability to put a crayon to paper, I'm creating art. All that matters is the expression, and there is no right and wrong. Everyone is an artist.

My five year old son loves art, and I have been actively encouraging him to draw and paint. As we walked home from school the other day, I suggested that he draw one of his "stick people" drawings for a neighbor. Most of his art consists of half-stick people with big heads, eyebrows, and giant hands, and they look adorable. His response to my suggestion - "No, because he won't like it." "Why wouldn't he like it?" I said. "Because the lunch lady didn't like it, and she told me I had to redraw my stick person again." (I have since come to find out that the lunch lady is also a part time teaching aid.)

I explained to my son that everyone has an opinion about art. I also told him that the only way art was "wrong" is if you are told to draw a cow and you draw a tree. When we walked into the house I pulled out his folder, and there was his stick person picture. The front side was his normal drawing of himself in his Halloween costume. As I flipped the page over, there was the picture he had been made to re-draw. An unnatural, balloon shaped form, it didn't resemble a person any more than his stick figure. And it certainly lacked the "soul" of the stick person.

That night I called to discuss my situation with Stephanie. She explained that this kind of situation makes kids stop drawing altogether. Because they can't express themselves the way they want, or are trying to conform to someone else's idea of art, it becomes too difficult and they give up. Then they end up in her class 30 years later, wanting to reignite the creative spark that was extinguished in childhood.

I decided to go to the school and share my feelings with the teacher, and we had a nice discussion. When I told her what had happened, she said she encourages the students to try to make realistic looking people, not just stick people. In her mind, she is just trying to help them become "better", or more "realistic" artists. I myself wondered where the line is between teaching more "realistic" ways of drawing, and stifling creativity. The teacher seemed to listen as I explained what I learned from Stephanie, and she said she would have a discussion with the art teacher to get her opinion.

The teacher then proceeded to show me some of the other student drawings that looked nothing at all like people. Some were lady bugs, some were blobs, some looked like square snowmen. "See," she said to me, "Your son's looks great compared to these." She then told me that several students were never able to start the drawing project, because they were perfectionists. The entire front and back of their page was scribbled out, because their attempt to draw themselves didn't look the way they wanted it to.

I tried to point out to her that maybe the reason some of the students couldn't draw at all was because they were afraid to make lady bugs or square people. I'm not sure if the correlation ever dawned on her, but it was crystal clear to me. A five year old should draw because he loves to draw, not worry because he can't make an exact replica of himself on the page. I felt really sorry for the kids that were afraid to draw, and I was really proud of the kids that drew lady bugs and snowmen as their self portraits. I'd take a lady bug over a fear of drawing any day.

As for my son, the next chance I get we are going to sit down and draw a whole army of stick people. Just because we can. We're artists after all, and that's what artists do.

One Vision

2011-11-16T07:46:00.001-08:00

From Debbie Ford - "When our actions come straight out of our vision of our lives we radiate joy, and passion effortlessly carries us through our days. What is your vision?"

What is my vision? I wish I knew. Part of my problem lately is that I can't seem to find a direction. It's as if I'm moving in circles, growing, but without a real destination. Too many commitments, not enough time. Like the rabbit in "Alice in Wonderland," - always late, but not sure where I am going. I decided the best way to find my vision was to start free writing and see what I came up with. Here are the results.

I envision a world of respect. Respect for mother earth, respect for each other, respect for ourselves. A world where everyone knows and understands that they are worthy. They are valid. A world where I know I am worthy, I am valid. Here comes the shadow again. I have such a deep desire to help others live a better life. To be of service to the world. But I cannot do that until I clean my own house. Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Maybe it's time to listen.

I envision a world where I am as honest with myself as I am with everyone else around me. I refuse to lie to other people, but I am constantly lying to myself. "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, what do you think you're doing, are you kidding me?" These are the thoughts and ideas that fill my brain and begin the never ending cycle of negativity in my body. I must help myself before I can help others.

Every choice I make when I open my mouth affects my well being. Whether it is thoughts and ideas coming out, or nourishment (or lack thereof) going in. My vision is to help everyone understand this, but it has to start with me. Words that are carefully chosen have so much power. My own words have the ability to draw negative or positive energy to me. The ability to uplift me and those around me, or cause feelings of negativity and hopelessness. The foods I choose to nourish me do the same for my body. I can choose healthy uplifting foods, or foods that zap my energy and emotional well being. My body is a temple, I will start to treat it that way.

I long to help others fall in love with themselves, so that love will spread outward like a never ending wave, touching all on the planet. Why is it so easy for me to envision this for others, but not for myself? Why is self love so difficult? Is it because self love feels selfish, as if I am putting myself first instead of helping others?

What if self love = self care? What if it felt more like a necessity, instead of a luxury. I cannot help others until I help myself. If I want to see this love bubble grow, then I need to be the epicenter. And if I want to help others in need, it all starts right here at home. Respect, integrity, compassion - for myself, and then the world. This is my vision.

Audio/video vision inspiration

Me and My Shadow, My Shadow and Me

2011-11-13T10:44:00.001-08:00

Unlike Peter Pan, I can't seem to get away from my shadow. In my last post, I discussed the selfish aspect of my shadow. My husband will be happy to know that I am no longer denying this aspect of myself, so I am now ready to clean my house.

Unfortunately, there's been another shadow lurking around for awhile now, and yesterday it decided it didn't want to be silenced anymore.

Over the last few years, I have started to question some of the "truths" I have believed since childhood. I am taking Walt Whitman's quote to heart - "Re-examine all you have been told.....Dismiss what insults your soul." Some of the truths I have been questioning apply to religious dogma. I currently find myself closer to God than I have ever been, and I am working on developing a personal relationship with him, without the church or a minister being my connection to him.

I was at the airport several hours early for my flight yesterday, and for some reason I was drawn to attend the non-denominational church service in the chapel. When the minister asked for prayer requests, I uncharacteristically raised my hand. I asked for help and guidance so that I could stop being so judgemental.

I have been having a real problem with this lately. I'm judging everyone and everything, and it's driving me crazy and making me really unhappy. Other parents at the school, politicians, frackers, co-workers, people I pass on the street - no one can escape my judgement. I seem to think that if everyone would just think the way I do and do things my way, the world would be a perfect place. And there in lies the shadow. Whatever or whoever I choose to judge, I am capable of those same behaviors myself. I am them, they are me, and we are all one. This was a strange concept for me at first, but the more shadow work I do, the more I'm starting to understand it.

So when the minister repeated the prayer requests in prayer, I was interested to hear his advice for me about being less judgmental. He said, "please help Kim release her judgements, and help her remember that we judge according to your word."

Hold on, did I just hear that? I asked to be less judgemental, not swap my own set of judgements for a different one. This is one of the reasons I'm falling away from the church lately, because I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone else, no matter whose authority they believe they are following. It's not my place to judge at all, and I want to get rid of this tendency.

Ahh, there it is. The reason it won't go away. The reason that situations keep presenting themselves to me that cause me to be judgmental. I'm trying to kick it, cram it, shove it, shame it out of me, instead of giving it the attention it wants, so it can be released. This shadow aspect and I have a lot more work to do before I can move on, and I have learned a valuable lesson. Third party intercessions can be really helpful in some situations. But when it comes to the shadow, only you can do the work. Anyone else just gets in the way.

Selfish Little Shadow

2011-11-10T11:50:00.001-08:00

I have a serious motivation problem. Everyroom in my house has a project that is half finished, or a mess of clutter which needs to find a home. A new(antique) dresser needs to be cleaned up before I can put clothes in it. Ditto for a new display cabinet. An entire basement needs to be clearedout before the contractor can come and remove the asbestos. As I'vewalked from room to room this week, I have felt overwhelmed, disgusted, andlazy. Until today.

Today I realized that instead of being upset at the state of my house, Ishould actually be celebrating the fact that my aversion and resistance to themess is actually helping me with my spiritual growth. If it weren’t for the mess, I never would have discovered myshadow –my shadow self that is – that is crying out for attention.

The shadow is a repressed part of the unconsciousmind. Carl Jung once said that the shadow "is the person you wouldrather not be." One ofthe most life changing books I have ever read is “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” by Debbie Ford. The book describesthe shadow self in depth, helping to understand, embrace, and release thatwhich subconsciously holds us back. Howdoes this relate to my house being a disaster, you might ask? It all started with fracking.

I had a life coachingsession today, and the discussion centered around things that are happening in myexternal world that are really affecting me. One of these things is my disgust at fracking (which is another blog post altogether). I realized that thetraits I attribute to those that “frack” are greed, short sightedness, andselfishness, with selfish being the one with the most charge for me. So we started talking about beingselfish, because that which annoys us in our outer world is a mirror for whatwe need to work on in our inner world.

I realized that I felt selfish about not cleaning my house. My husband had been at work all week,and I was at home. It’s notreally fair that I have filled my week with writing, reiki sessions, andappointments, when I could have been cleaning the house. My husband never said a word to meabout the mess, but I was feeling selfish because I was looking after my ownneeds all week, instead of taking care of our communal space.

The coaching session included some energetic work to release myattachment to being selfish. My homework was to think of the most selfish thing I could do today, and then go and do it. Iworked on thinking about being selfish in a positive sense instead of negative. Selfish means taking care of self, and by taking care of myself, I can take care of others as well. I realized I was worried about appearingselfish in several other instances too, which seemed to vanish once wediscovered I was resisting my shadow self.

By acknowledging my selfish shadow and working with it, I wasable to change my viewpoint about the whole situation. Now I’m actually looking forward toorganizing the house, instead of dreading it. But that will have to wait. I’m on my way out the door to give my shadow some well deserved attention.

Earthclinic.com to the Rescue

2011-11-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

I think I've returned to my senses. I did some research on one of my favorite websites, www.earthclinic.com, and I've found some alternatives to Retin A. One is apple cider vinegar, which I'm trying out right now, and the other is baking soda. My hair dresser had previously told me about the baking soda, I just haven't had a chance (re: motivation) to try it yet.

I get my hair cut at an Aveda salon in my neighborhood. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that Aveda is a play on words - Ayurveda. The salon uses many Ayurvedic principles, and my hair dresser and I started talking about acne the last time I was there. In her training, she was taught that breakouts on the forehead were caused by stress, along the nose is hormonal, and blemishes on the cheeks are related to diet. This made a lot of sense to me, since it all correlated with my specific breakouts.

I mentioned this theory to my dermatologist yesterday, and it was all she could do not to laugh in my face. After calling it "crazy talk" and "something that came from a guru", she basically told me to stop listening to whoever would come up with something so ridiculous.

Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion. To be honest, I don't know why I expected her to have any reaction other than the one she did. It was my reaction that disappointed me, and made me realize I still have a lot of work to do. I thought I was past the point of hiding my opinions when I feel strongly about something, but apparently not. Not only did I not stick up for my friend, I didn't stick up for myself. I let the fear of being criticized silence me - again.

So this is my challenge - to express who I am and what I believe in, no matter what someone else thinks. I know this isn't something I can change overnight, and I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunities to practice. For now, I'll forgive myself and remember my current mission statement. "By accepting all of who I am, I joyfully move forward with grace and ease." Some things are easier said than done.

Vanity vs Integrity

2011-11-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

Two weeks into my fifth decade, and things have been great so far. Only 2 minor annoyances, which I won't even complain about, I'll just comment on.

The first is my eyesight. I have been blessed with amazing eyesight. In the past, if I could see a sign I could read it, no matter how small the print was. Over the last few months this has begun to change - rapidly. I found myself sitting at the bar with my husband yesterday, squinting to read the beer tap. Why do we squint anyway, it doesn't miraculously make the letters bigger. The herb bilberry is good for eyesight, and it does seem to be helping. Even so, I'm afraid I am on my way to glasses, a sure sign that I'm getting older. I must admit this makes me a little sad, watching my body slowly start to adjust to it's age.

The other issue I'm having, which is much more detrimental to my aging ego, is the appearance of adult acne. Again, I was blessed as an adolescent not to have to deal with acne, so this is a first for me. At least at 17, many peers have acne too, and everyone can sympathize with each other. Sitting at the dermatologist today, at the age of 40, I felt a little bit strange discussing types of acne. It was like I missed that day in class or something. Anyway, this whole situation brings me to my next dilemma.

Over the last year I have really been trying to approach my health by using natural products, and have only used mainstream medicine as a last resort. I have always believed that when our body shows us symptoms, we need to address the underlying issue, instead of just covering up the problem by taking drugs. I know my acne is showing up because of stress and hormone fluctuation. When the Dr. offered a Retin A prescription today, my first instinct was to turn it down, which I did. I know why I'm getting the acne, and I should be addressing the cause of the problem.

But vanity is a funny thing. It makes me color my ever-increasing gray hair every four weeks, even when I know that's not really good for me. And when the Dr. said, "Retin A is good for wrinkles too", my ears perked up a little bit. So much so, that I walked out of the office with a prescription. Whether I choose to fill it or not is still up for discussion. Listening to the side effects and precautions was enough to make me reconsider, and I plan to do some more research before I make up my mind.

Will my vanity inflated ego win, or my desire to honor by body in a natural way? Will I sell my soul to the Retin A devil? Stay tuned and I'll let you know.

Wearing my Big Girl Panties

2011-10-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. So long in fact, that I had to reset my password to be able to post. Much has happened over the last year, and I promise to fill you in on all of it. But today is a special day, so now I want to write about that.

Tomorrow is a turning point for me. It is the end of the "All About Me Years," and the start of a brand new chapter in the book of my life. As the first 4 decades come to a close, I am ready to start the "What Can I Give Back Years." I am embracing turning 40, and I know it's going to be a fantastic year. There are so many new opportunities and adventures awaiting me, I can hardly wait to get started.

I have spent the last 10 years dreading birthdays, but this one feels different. Almost like a rebirth. Shedding the skin that no longer fits me, I am coming into my own. It's taken me 40 years to be able to speak my truths, and not hide the real me just to conform to someone else's opinion of me. I can't say I no longer care about what people think of me, because that's still one of my biggest challenges. But each and every day I am less afraid to show people the real me, even if they think I should be something different. I am tired of hiding who I am, and the older I get the less I feel the need to conform.

I have a feeling this blog is going to metamorphous right along with me. It will be interesting to see if my writing style is different, after taking a little bit of a break. As of right now, I feel like I'm willing to be a little braver than I was before. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow, but let's try it out before I lose my nerve.

When I first started writing the blog, hiding my identity was very important. I wanted to help people thru my experiences, I just didn't want anyone to know I was writing about (or experiencing) these things for myself, in case they didn't agree with me. I also didn't know if there would be repercussions with my job. Pilots don't normally talk about things we don't understand, unless it's commonly accepted (religion vs. spirituality for example). I didn't know exactly what I would be writing about, and I didn't want to feel inhibited if I wanted to write about something a little outside the normal belief system of some people. I think I'm ready to confront this challenge again and come out of the closet. My name is Kim and I live in Pittsburgh. Wow, my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. And I haven't even told you my last name yet. I guess we'll leave that for another post, when I'm feeling really brave. Baby steps to start my rebirth. And you can still call me Tree Talker, if you want to.

I'm a Model

2011-03-31T19:23:00.000-07:00

All right, I refuse to leave on that note. I can't say my mood has changed much from the last post, but I'm trying. I was tempted to completely erase the last post, but I pride myself on honesty, so that's what you get. Warts and all. I've also had some interesting things happen in the last week that I would like to share.

I have spent 3 days this week as a "model" for my Ayurvedic Dr. She is expanding her business and has a new class of therapists in training. (I'm not sure that's the right term for them.) She uses me as a model to demonstrate the treatments to the students, and I get the treatment for free. A win-win all around as far as I'm concerned.

I've actually found the whole process quite fascinating. When I completed the three day panchakarma the beginning of the year, I didn't really understand the reason behind some of the treatments. Since the Dr. explained the treatments to the students as she was performing them, I learned a lot as well. The biggest challenge was staying awake enough to pay attention, as most of the treatments relax me so much I want to go to sleep. Even with four people in the room staring at me. This has also made it easier for me to restart some of the things I was supposed to be doing at home, such as head and feet massage. Now that I understand why I am doing it, it will be easier to continue.

I had one treatment that focused on the heart and digestion, and one that was a foot massage followed by lower back treatment. I also had a treatment called Kanrapurana, which is basically oil in the ears. I swear I could hear better afterwards. The most interesting (ok weird) treatment was also the one I found most beneficial. It is called Netra Basti, or eye rejuvenation therapy.

A dam of dough is placed around the eyes, and liquid ghee (clarified butter, aka the Indian wonder drug) is poured into the dam. After it sits for a while, you actually open your eyes and keep blinking, while the ghee runs off or is absorbed. I know this sounds really strange, and if I had known what was going to happen before hand I might have been a lot more apprehensive. The treatment is purported to ease eye strain, nourish and rejuvenate the eyes. I can't put my finger on what was different afterward, but my vision was definitely different. Clearer maybe, and everything seemed sharper and more in focus. And I didn't wake up with sticky eyes the next morning, which I had been having problems with as it is spring. The sticky eyes were back the second day, but I will definitely try this treatment again.

I have learned from this experience that Ayurveda is not a one time, feel good massage "quick fix", but a lifestyle change and personal commitment to enhance health. Relying on someone else to make us feel better is not really a good idea, as no one knows our body better than ourselves. Lasting change can only be achieved through commitment. Otherwise, the massage, steam, or shirodhara will be incredibly relaxing and stress relieving, but may not promote any long term benefits. Just thinking about my next steam bath makes me feel warm all over, which is a good thing considering it is snowing. Again.

Happy Belated Anniversary

2011-03-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

UH OH. It appears I missed my anniversary. The one year anniversary of writing my blog. How does that make me feel? Even shittier than I feel about not writing. I haven't had the urge to write at all lately, so I haven't. For some reason that makes me feel guilty. I don't get paid to do this. No one is salivating over my next blog post. I don't have a million readers. So why do I care?

Could it be because I am continually starting things with grand ambitions and then not finishing them? First there was the reiki, which I thought I would do every day for the rest of my life. Not so much anymore. Then there was the spiritual group I was going to start that made it through the first meeting. Now I'm afraid my ambitions to become a writer may be falling by the wayside as well.

Part of my problem is that I am continually searching to find something I am passionate about. Other than flying, there is nothing that I have started and actually stuck with for a number of years. Yes I still waterski and ice skate, which I used to do as a child, but not nearly as much as I would like to. Why? No time - supposedly. Truth is I'm just not making the time. So what exactly am I doing with my time? Running the machine. How do I spend less time doing that? And why is it so hard to find something I'm passionate about?

Well, this post certainly does not have the congratulatory fanfare I planned to have after my year of writing. What did I say at the beginning, 365 posts in one year? Hmm, didn't even make it to half of that. I'm going to sign off now before I depress myself, (or you, my dear loyal readers), anymore. When will I be back? Not sure. Hopefully this is just a temporary hiatus til I get my mojo back. Thanks for all of your support and encouragement along the way. I do feel like I have a message to share, I just have to regain my positive attitude and some direction for it to benefit anyone, including myself.

Girly Girl

2011-02-04T19:34:00.000-08:00

It's official. I am not now, nor do I ever care to be, a girly girl. I've spent the last week doing all kinds of girly girl things in preparation for a cruise. Hair color - check. Facial - check. Mani/pedi - check. Tanning - check. Yes, I even succumbed to the tanning. And it was completely out of vanity, I won't even attempt to use the, "I was trying not to burn" excuse.

I've only been in a tanning bed about 3 times in my life, and I hate every minute of it. I spend the whole time in the bed thinking I can feel the skin cancer beginning it's assault. The guilt overwhelms me. I stay out of the sun all summer long, and yet here I am deliberately bombarding myself with UVA and UVB sans sunscreen. And I'm almost embarrassed to admit why I decided to tan. Day one of our previous cruise. Picture time. We're all smiling, happy, wearing our leis, fruity drink in hand, and my legs are a shade of white I have never seen before on a human being. I need to wear sunglasses just to look at the picture. So because of that, I have subjected myself to the possibility of an early death, or maybe some extra premature wrinkles. At least I waited til the last day of tanning to burn.

I can't say I didn't enjoy the facial and mani/pedi, they just consumed a lot of time. Time I would have rather spent doing something else. I am not one to spend a lot of time on my appearance, especially in the morning. When I'm at work, if I have to be in the hotel lobby at 4:30 am, I get up at 4am. And that's to leave the room at 4:20. Some of the flight attendants I work with are amazed by this. If they have to lobby at 4:30am, they are up by 3am. That also explains why they always appear perfectly put together, and why my nails are always ragged and I look like I could use some lipstick.

I now have a new respect for the women that walk by me on the street completely polished and put together, looking like they have just spent the day in a spa. It's because they have. I used to envy those women, and wonder why I didn't look like them. Now I realize why I don't look like them. I just don't want to spend the time or effort it requires.

The most enjoyable part of the week has been my son's reaction to my manicure. He's probably only seen me wear nail polish about 3 times in his life. Anywhere we've been for the last 2 days, he asks me to take off my boots and show people my "toe painting." Maybe I should try to make a little more effort. But I think after next week I'll be going back to my old ways - plain old ragged nails, pasty white skin, and chapstick. And that's just fine with me.

The Catalyst

2011-02-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

I just started the second "semester" of my Transformative Writing workshop. It is the first actual class I have taken to further my writing ability, and it is also helping me with my spiritual evolution. The first four sessions helped me uncover personal blocks, as well as some issues that are blocking me as a writer.

For example, I realized that every time I presented something for class, I never followed through with the suggested changes from the instructor. If I was told to work on a certain paragraph of a poem, I would attempt it, and then quickly give up and write another poem instead. If I was told to explore my relationship with my father, I would dutifully start writing about that, but then suddenly veer off in another direction. I rarely followed through with what I was supposed to be doing.

I've come up with two excuses for not following directions. Option one is that I have a very short attention span. I know this to be true, because I can't stand to revise my writing. Once it's on the paper I feel like I want to move on to something else, not go back and rehash what I've already written. Not a good trait if I want to get serious about writing - perfect for the brevity of a blog. Option two is a little more challenging. The class, after all, is called Transformative Writing. The writing assignments have definitely helped me grow and uncover personal issues, and I think when I'm on the brink of a "transformation" I get scared. I know I'm about to get to the juicy stuff, and I chicken out. Today, I did not chicken out.

I have been sick all week, and spent most of the day in bed on Sunday. I should have been sleeping, but instead I decided to write a poem. A pretty good poem. I sent it to my instructor, and he suggested probing a bit deeper into a section. This time, I listened.

I sat down and started having a conversation with myself, and writing it all down on the paper. What am I afraid of? Why do I need external praise? Why do I need validation? Why don't I feel good enough? Worthy? At first the answers didn't come, it was just me writing questions. As I continued to probe I started to hear the answers in my head, so I wrote those down too. I continued to write whatever popped into my head until suddenly, out of nowhere, I had my "a-ha" moment. The reason I have been so critical of myself all of my life. And I never saw it coming.

I am continually amazed at what my mind will discover on it's own, if I just give it the chance to drift and find it's own rhythm. I have used this question and answer exercise before, and have always had good results. I think when I remove my over-thinking rational mind from the process, the true answers become more readily apparent.

Writing is very cathartic and a great catalyst. I had intended to write great therapist in the last sentence, but wrote catalyst without even realizing it. I guess it is that too. As long as I'm writing, I'm transforming and developing. My personal growth and transformation today feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Hopefully that realization will make me actually listen to my teacher from now on, and not shy away from the hard stuff. Now if you will excuse me, I have a poem that is awaiting a revision.

A Reminder to Myself

2011-01-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

"Obstacles are necessary for success . . . as in all careers
of importance, victory comes only after many struggles and
countless defeats. Yet each struggle, each defeat, sharpens
your skills and strengths, your courage and your endurance,
your ability and your confidence and thus each obstacle is a
comrade-in-arms forcing you to become better . . . or quit.
Each rebuff is an opportunity to move forward; turn away from
them, avoid them, and you throw away your future."

~ Og Mandino ~

Pardon Me, I'm Coming Through

2011-01-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

What could I accomplish if I got out of my own way? And more importantly, what's with the self-sabotage?

One of my goals lately has been to stop using the word should. I have to admit, it's not going very well. "I should get out of bed and do yoga. I should start writing -a blog, a story, a journal entry, anything. I should go through that pile of mail. I should do the numerous "get organized" house projects I have been waiting for winter to accomplish. Guess what? Winter is halfway over, and the projects are still not complete." With this tape playing in my head all day, it's no wonder I was feeling sorry for myself and lacked the motivation to do anything.

After some introspection this evening, I realized that the only thing stopping me from doing all of these things was myself. I didn't have to wait for or depend on anyone else, I just had to make the conscious decision to get moving. That thought on it's own actually helped me accomplish a few things. Then I had a bit of a revelation while I was discussing my situation with a friend. It still amazes me that I can ponder a situation all day long in my head, and it is not until I actually engage my brain to talk about the issue that the answer suddenly becomes crystal clear.

As a child, we hear from various sources that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, etc. I am lucky enough as an adult to only have one person that still talks to me that way. That person is me. By not accomplishing tasks I feel I "should" be doing, I am unwittingly keeping that same old message of unworthiness playing in my head. Why do I feel the need to put myself down when no one else is? I have no idea. Maybe to keep myself stuck? Or is it the fear of what I could accomplish if I got out of my own way? I guess the fact that I am conscious of what I am doing is a good first step.

During the discussion with my friend, I also remembered something useful that would have helped me all day long had I remembered it earlier. I had an intense reiki session with two of my friends last night. When it was my turn, they worked on my solar plexus chakra (self esteem and ego), and my sacral chakra (control, guilt, creativity). I released some major issues I was holding on to. So much so that the recurring thought that kept running through my head afterwards was "I am confident." I have never in my life said or felt those three words regarding myself. What I conveniently forgot was that the day after a session like that, I need to be kind to myself. Relax and be gentle. Moving that amount of energy and those kind of long held beliefs takes an adjustment period, and it was normal for me to be out of sorts today.

Part of my fear today was that I was sliding back into a period of unproductive malaise. After some thought redirection, I realized that instead of the start of a downward spiral this could be the first day of my ascension. Out of the ashes of the control freak, guilt ridden, low self esteem person I was yesterday, rises the self confident person I have always wished I could be. Sounds good. Now I just have to make myself believe it.

Failure

2011-01-21T13:28:00.000-08:00

My entire life I have been afraid of failing. I have always been an overachiever, going above and beyond what was required of me so that I didn't have to deal with failure. When I decided I wanted to become a pilot, failure was never an option. I did whatever I had to do to succeed. I never had a Plan B, because the thought of not accomplishing Plan A never even crossed my mind.

Does that mean everything worked out perfectly for me and exactly the way I planned it? Of course not. What it means is that when something happened that was outside my control (or within my control such as a bad choice or decision), I used it as an opportunity for growth. Instead of letting it derail my Success Express, I learned from it and moved on.

By expecting nothing but success, I was unconsciously using the Law Of Attraction. I was creating a positive outcome for myself, because I was only thinking about the positive goal I wanted to create. I did not spend time focusing on what I didn't want to have happen. Sometimes by focusing on what we don't want, we inadvertently draw those exact things towards us.

My positive thoughts about becoming a pilot have served me well. I have a great job, some would say one of the best jobs in the airline industry. And yet I find myself unfulfilled. I am feeling called to start something new. To help people through my writing. And the thought of that is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Over the past few years, my fear of failing has somehow overtaken my ability to envision only success. Whether it be age, wisdom, or fear, I find myself in the position of being afraid of the unknown. I had to write the previous paragraphs to remind myself that what I accomplished once can easily be accomplished again with the right attitude.

I mentioned to a friend of mine that my fear of failing as a writer was starting to hold me back. She then asked what I considered failure. I said that I felt like a failure if I didn't accomplish my goals, or if I didn't finish what I had set out to do. She told me to replace the word fail with learn or evolve. Instead of thinking I've failed, realize that I have learned something from the experience. If I did not achieve the goal, maybe it wasn't the right goal in the first place. By having the courage to show up and make the effort, I have evolved and changed the experience into what it was meant to be for me to grow. In her mind, the only way to fail is to not try.

One of my current goals is to release judgement of myself and others. My own opinions make a situation good or bad - without them the situation just is. The labels that I give something, either good or bad, are what affect my feelings towards the situation. If I remove my judgements regarding failing, and realize that it is neither good nor bad, there is no reason to fear it anymore.

If I start something new and it doesn't go according to plan, then I take the lesson and the evolution and I move on. If I go back to my teenage attitude of invincibility, then I will accomplish whatever it is I set out to do anyway. Focus on what I want, instead of what I want to avoid. And if there is no Plan B, then Plan A has to work. And Plan A is looking better and better all the time.

Yoga and Ayurveda

2011-01-15T06:33:00.000-08:00

I first started practicing yoga about 10 years ago, and have practiced on a sporadic basis since then. My intro to yoga was a cross between power yoga and hot yoga, and it was one of the best workouts I have ever had. My body is not usually limber; I cannot even bend over and touch my toes. After attending yoga classes on a regular basis, I felt a lot like gumby. This gave me the motivation to continue, because I didn't want to lose my newfound flexibility.

Flash forward 10 years to my yoga session yesterday. This yoga session was meant to be restorative, contemplative, and relaxing. There are certain poses that help bring the doshas back into balance, and several of them I had already been intuitively practicing. It still amazes me how the body knows what to do if we quiet the mind and listen.

Before we started the session, I mentioned that I had been feeling chilled frequently. I am always cold, but this was a different kind of cold. Normally, my hands and feet are like ice cubes when I am cold. I am required to wear socks to bed and keep my hands off of my husband until they warm up, to give you an idea of how cold I can get.

Lately I have been feeling chilled just through my torso, even when the rest of me is warm. The yoga teacher informed me that a vata imbalance lodges in the spine, which was probably causing me to feel chilled. The poses we were going to work on would loosen up the spine, which is something I have always had trouble with anyway. I have never been able to do a backbend, even as a child. My spine seems to move in one solid mass, from my neck to my waist.

I also mentioned that I wanted to work on my posture. I have always been tall, and as a child I compensated for towering over my classmates by slumping my shoulders. Never a popular kid, I didn't want to draw any more attention to myself than necessary. Lately when I walk past a mirror, I am appalled at how slumped my shoulders are. It feels as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it is almost too much effort to hold them back.

The yoga instructor focused a lot on my core, the area in the stomach close to the navel. I had heard this term before, although I must admit I never really understood it. She told me to imagine pulling my stomach in through my back. The trick is to be firm but not tense, which takes some practice. The area in the back behind the belly button is associated with will power. When I started focusing on holding my stomach in this way an incredible thing happened. My shoulders immediately went back and it was almost impossible to slouch. Normally after attempting to hold my shoulders back for about a minute, it was so uncomfortable I would give up. But by focusing on my stomach instead, the shoulders became a mere afterthought. And I can handle a little burn in my stomach, I like the thought of flattening it while strengthening it. A win win situation all the way around.

This yoga session was not the hard core workout I was used to, but I must admit I enjoyed it immensely. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I was able to get out of bed an hour early this morning and practice again. An hour early - on a Saturday. Previously unheard of. I guess there is a reason Ayurveda has been around for 5000 years. I'm glad I'm finally catching on.

More About Ayurveda

2011-01-15T06:02:00.000-08:00

I've discussed my Ayurvedic experiences thus far in other posts, but I'll try and condense it here for those of you that don't read my blog regularly. (Although you should!).

Ayurveda is defined in the dictionary as the ancient Hindu science of health and medicine. Started over 5000 years ago in India and currently practiced there, it is slowly starting to catch on in the United States. According to Ayurveda, there are 3 doshas within the body that make up our constitution - vata, pitta, and kapha. Each must be balanced to have good health, and an imbalance causes illness.

When I had my Ayurvedic consultation last month, I was told I was constitutionally pitta with a vata imbalance. The vata imbalance is caused by years of traveling, which aggravates vata. The Ayurvedic doctor prescribed several things for me, most of which are a huge challenge to the western lifestyle. Luckily for me, I was doing a lot of these things already.

A panchakarma was recommended, which is a detox program to rev up digestion and balance the doshas. My panchakarma was a three day series of massage and dietary restrictions. I wrote about my experience in this entry. Panchakarma. And the more positive follow up here. Panchakarma results. The dietary restrictions were to ease the load on the digestive system, and increase the digestive fire. It worked, because I was hungry all of the time. I was used to dietary restrictions from working with the nutritionist last year, so although it was difficult it didn't mess with my head too much. Unlike the other poor girl who was doing a panchakarma at the same time. I thought she was going to have a full on mutiny when she was told to stop eating yogurt. (Sour, cold, difficult to digest).

Diet-wise, the Dr. recommended room temperature drinks, mostly vegetarian meals, and cooked food instead of raw. No yogurt or spicy food. All of this was to ease the load on my digestive system. She also recommended meditation, self massage, and yoga.

I was scheduled for two private yoga sessions, the first of which I had yesterday. My intent for this post was to write about the yoga. Since I've taken up most of the post describing Ayurveda, I will write about yoga in the next post. Ahh, the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED..........

Take Time to Savor the Flavor

2011-01-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

I have been making an effort this year to eat more consciously. Paying more attention to the food I put in my mouth, and appreciating the enormous effort it takes just to get the food on my plate. The planting, harvesting, packaging, shipping, preparation - it's a major event just to make a plate of food. Lately I've been about halfway through my meal before I remember to be thankful. That's ok, eventually if I do that enough maybe I'll remember it at the beginning of the meal.

The thing I'm having the hardest time with is trying not to multi-task while I eat. Especially if I'm eating alone, I look at that time as a way to catch up on things like my e-mail or a time to pay bills. Now that I'm actually trying to pay attention to eating and only eating, it's hard not to feel guilty. Sometimes it feels like I'm wasting the time in between bites by not doing something else.

I've noticed that the food tastes much better when I'm not distracted. It makes me realize how often I don't even taste what I am eating. The other day we were at the Indian buffet (although stuffet would be a better description). I was shoveling mango pudding into my mouth like someone was about to take my plate away from me. When I realized I was doing this, I consciously slowed down. I put a very small spoonful of pudding in my mouth and closed my eyes. It was amazing how much better the dessert tasted.

I've been trying this approach with all kinds of sweets lately. In the past, I have never understood the point of mini chocolates or candy bars. Instead of eating one and being satisfied, the minute size was just an excuse for me to eat 5 or 6 of them. It was easy just to pop the whole thing in my mouth, but then the pleasure was over much too soon. What I am now trying to do is take incredibly small bites of dessert, and really pay attention to the taste of the food.

I know it sounds crazy, but give this a try. The next time you have dessert, take a giant mouthful and eat it like you normally do. Then take a tiny bite, close your eyes, and really savor the flavor of the food before you swallow it. Notice a difference? I do. Even if you don't, the site of you closing your eyes at the dinner table and concentrating on your food will at least entertain your family. Bon Appetit!

To Eat, Or Not to Eat, Or What to Eat - That is the Question

2011-01-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

I've spent a lot of time this past year learning about health, food, nutrition and allergies. I've worked with several specialists, and each one seems to contradict the one before. Here are some examples.

Nutritionist - says avoid wheat and dairy, eat only raw nuts, lots of sea vegetables and raw green drinks - prescribes an herb that the acupuncturist says not to take

Acupuncturist (who I have worked with longer than anyone) - says avoid dairy, very bad except for yogurt - wheat ok - says not to take the herb the natural health doctor has prescribed

Natural health doctor - told me I was sensitive to wheat, dairy, and mold - we're working on getting rid of the sensitivity, but I don't know what the process is called. Also has me completely paranoid about my son's vaccinations, but that is another blog.

Ayurvedic Indian Doctor - wheat is fine, dairy is fine if it's warm or at room temperature, no sea vegetables (not local), no raw foods for now (difficult to digest), roasted nuts are better than raw.

I guess what I'm going to do is take bits and pieces from everyone's suggestions, and trust my intuition about what to eat. In the past I have craved things that are exactly what I should be eating for their healing properties at the right time. Intuitively, I think the sea vegetables are fine, I like the raw nuts better, and I don't think the wheat makes me feel great. Cheese is a definite no no, much as I love it. But just like anything, you learn to live without it. I remember when I first decided to become a vegetarian, I thought I'd never stop craving meat. Now I can't imagine eating it again. The same thing happened when I gave up cheese. I thought I would never enjoy food again, as most of what I ate was either smothered with cheese or served with a side of cheese.

The Indian Dr. says that once we get rid of the toxins in my body then I should be able to eat anything without the allergic reaction. Since my allergies started at age 30 and worsened every year ( after several years of not being a healthy vegetarian), I think maybe she's right. She says that the reason most people have a problem with dairy is that they eat/drink it cold right out of the fridge. I don't remember why, but she said if you warm it first it shouldn't be a problem. Right now I'm trying an Ayurveda suggestion that has worked wonders for my sleep. I drink a glass of warm milk with 1/2 teaspoon of ghee and a pinch of turmeric right before bed each night. Ghee is the Indian miracle food, and turmeric is so good for you I want to put it on everything.

Each night I have had this to drink, I have slept straight through the night and the alarm clock barely wakes me up. Previously, I would often wake in the middle of the night to get up and use the bathroom. Last night I was in the hotel and I didn't have milk. I thought I was tired enough to sleep without it, but I slept very fitfully last night, waking up several times. Give it a try if you have trouble sleeping, I'd be interested to hear if it works for you.

Am I sorry that I have worked with several different people that all give me different suggestions? Absolutely not. I learn something from each and every one of them. It's now up to me to figure out what works for me and what doesn't. And the benefit to all of this is that I'm learning to trust my intuition more. It always amazes me when I start craving and eating xxxxx, and then I go to the acupuncturist and she says, "try eating xxxxx for your condition." The body really does know what it needs if we learn how to tune in and listen.

Worry

2011-01-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to curb my facebook addiction, but it's not working because I have such inspirational friends. First the haiku by my friend Mike, and now a quote from the book "Ask and it is Given" from my friend Stephanie.

"Worrying is using your imagination to create something you do not want."

And another favorite of mine, though I don't know who to quote it to -

"Worry is negative prayer."

So stop worrying, and start drawing positive things towards you! Have a great day.

New Year's Haiku

2011-01-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

A haiku by one of my friends that inspired me today.

before the sunrise
light is already shining
waken to your own

by Mike Deaton

Bring on the Joy in 2011

2011-01-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year. May 2011 bring you health, joy, peace, love and hugs. I know it will be a great year for me, because that's what I intend to manifest for myself and my family.

Last year we made a family list of what we were thankful for in 2009. It was really interesting to read back over the list this year. Some of the entries were serious, like being thankful for the outcome of a very bad car accident involving my mom, 3 year old son, and 5 year old niece. Then there were the silly entries, like doorknobs and Myth Busters.

This year we did the thankful list again for 2010. The silly entries were things like belly button fluff and Winter Solstice beer ( and Moo hoo, and Bell's Double Cream Stout, etc. etc.) I'll let you guess which input belonged to my 4 year old and which one belonged to my husband.

We also added a new list this year - things we intend to manifest in 2011. The entries were things like; finding some direction in life, learning to play the drums, planting blueberries and seeing the Aurora Borealis. I really enjoyed sharing this special time with my husband and son. Sometimes life gets so busy that we don't have time to share our hopes and dreams and gratitude with the ones we love. This was the perfect opportunity to do that, and a great way to spend an evening.

This exercise was a great way to reminisce about some forgotten past moments, and to set our intentions for all we plan to accomplish in the future. That being said, I've just come up with something else I'm adding to my manifestation list. The ability to live in the present moment, and enjoy this time right now. Because right now, everything is just fine. Blessings for a wonderful 2011.

Apologies to Panchakarma

2011-01-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

Expectation. Sometimes it can really screw you up. I'm realizing now that my disappointment with my Panchakarma was all based on my expectations.

I recently read an article by someone that had experienced a Panchakarma with the same practitioner that was doing mine. The reason I didn't think I was getting any results has just occurred to me. It's because I kept comparing my experience to his. Each body is different, so each will respond to this process in a different way. Just because he was expelling a lot of toxin through his GI tract and I wasn't, doesn't mean it didn't work for me.

The fact that the steam tent was my favorite part of every day (and I normally hate to sweat), should tell me that I was probably removing toxins that way. The last day the therapist put her hand on my stomach and made a comment that surprised me. There is an artery that runs through the stomach, and she said she had never felt one pulsate the way that mine was. Thanks to my son's Christmas present (the They Might Be Giants science cd), I realized that this was another way my body was expelling toxins. ( The Bloodmobile, my son's favorite song on the album)

When I started the Panchakarma, I was advised that the first 2 days might be exhausting. I was also told that this process could bring up some emotional "toxins", and that by the third day I would start to feel better. I thought I was feeling just fine the first two days, just a little tired, but now I realize I was definitely in a negative place.

I also realized that even though I didn't have any "Hallelujah - come to Jesus - I am healed" moments, there were definitely some subtle shifts happening in my body. For instance, the fact that I was sleeping like the dead. I normally get up at least once a night to go to the bathroom. The last few nights I have slept straight thru the night, and I didn't even hear my son get out of bed. A highly unusual occurrence for me. I also haven't had the usual "can't think of the word I want/ where are my keys/ clumsies" that have been a part of every day life for a while. I was also hungry all the time, which was explained as a change in my "digestive fire." AGNI - (Digestive Fire) description

Here's another great example of a subtle change in memory. When I couldn't get the above link to work with copy and paste, I remembered how to do it another way. My husband has shown me half a dozen times how to do it this other way, but I can never remember. I'm also suddenly motivated to do certain projects I have been procrastinating about for a month. And I'm getting them done in record time. Could this all be a coincidence? Would I have been motivated with the New Year to do this stuff anyway? Maybe. I guess time will tell. All I can say is that I am noticing subtle differences, and I am much happier with the results today than I was on Thursday.

Is this something I will do again? I think so. Spring and fall are the best times to do a panchakarma. Since a five day regimen was recommended to me and I only did three, I think I might go back and do the extra two days in the spring. Why not spring clean my body along with the house? Two days of warm oil massage sounds like a great way to say goodbye to winter. Now how could that be a bad thing?

Ayurvedic Panchakarma

2010-12-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

Today was my second day of Ayurvedic Panchakarma, or as my husband not so affectionately calls it, Poopachaka. I'd like to say I feel different, but I don't, and I'm trying not to get discouraged. I know it's helping in some way, I'd just like to see some sort of tangible physical/mental benefit from it. I have a feeling it's like good nutrition, you don't always notice the benefits, but your body is better off in the long run. Even so, I'm hoping for a miraculous turn around tomorrow.

It's actually a lie to say I don't feel different. I'm tired, and I'm hungry all the time. I think because I'm eating the same thing for three days in a row. Any time I restrict my diet the cravings start immediately. I don't think I actually have to eat the Kitchari at every meal, but it is easy to digest and that is the goal for these three days. Kitchari is a blend of rice, mung beans, ghee, and herbs. "Ayurveda believes that all healing begins with the digestive tract, and kitchari can give it a much needed rest from constantly processing different foods while providing essential nutrients." (Quoted from eatmoreherbs.com). It actually tastes pretty good, and is very hearty for a "detox" food. I'm just tired of eating it.

The goal of panchakarma is to detoxify the body, strengthen the immune system, and restore well being. I'll be happy with any one of those three things. Maybe the results don't manifest right away, and it will take a little while to notice a difference. Or maybe it's already taking effect, and it's just too subtle for me to notice. I mean, I haven't dropped anything lately, or tripped over my own feet, and I haven't been as absent minded as usual. I can't say I've been particularly cheery, but I don't know if that's from the panchakarma, the rain, or the other not so cheery people I've been around today.

The panchakarma itself is interesting, and not quite as pampering as I had thought. After all, three hours of hot oil massage for three days sounds pretty good. The massage includes a lot of karate chopping, tapping, and rubbing with oil. Lots of oil. I can't even wash it out of my hair with shampoo. My favorite part is the steam tent after the massage. It's one of the few times all day when I am warm and I love it. My only complaint is that it is over too soon.

The warm oil dripped on my forehead today was particularly relaxing too. In contrast to yesterday, when it was so hot I thought it might scar me. I was worried I'd look in the mirror afterwards and have a Harry Potter-esque lightning bolt burned on my forehead.

Reading back over this, I'm realizing that maybe I just have my expectations set too high. I've been sluggish and unmotivated all month, and I was hoping the panchakarma and the new year would propel me into some sort of forward motion. Leave the old junk behind, start the new year with a fresh body/spirit/mind. I think that will still happen, because I'm working on manifesting it right now. But there is no magic poopachaka pill like I hoped there would be. This will take some effort on my part, no one else can do it for me. If I don't have some miraculous results tomorrow I'll get through it, and I will probably learn an important lesson about expectations. But I'm still hoping to send the old year out with a bang.

The Wonders of the Body

2010-12-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

I continue to be amazed at the things I discover about natural healing. Last week I was experiencing burning and itching on the top of my toes, and at times there would be a strange purplish rash. For almost 48 hours, the fourth toe on my left foot hurt enough that it made me limp. My toes were also colder than usual.

I thought maybe it was athlete's foot, which can be a symptom of candida. Since I had been craving bagels (and eating them), this sounded like a logical explanation. My husband wanted me to go to my regular doctor, because he was concerned that the purple color and the strange sensations might be a circulation problem. I didn't think I needed to go, but I went so I could say, "See, I told you it wasn't anything."

The doctor said it wasn't athlete's foot, but more likely just bad circulation. She ordered some blood tests just in case, and that was that.

When I went to the acupuncturist today, I pointed out the purple spots on my toes and told her about what had happened. She pointed to the worst purple spot and said, "That's the end of the spleen channel." The spleen is what we work on most often when I go to see her. "That spot is your gall bladder, and that one is the end of your liver channel. They're all tied together with what we normally work on, and I think what we're doing is working. The junk has moved to the end of the channel and now doesn't have anywhere to go."

She suggested that a small prick to the end of the affected toe would relieve some of the pressure. Last year this would have sounded crazy to me. Today it sounded like just what I needed. I actually can't believe it myself, but four toe pricks later I felt like a different person. I have been really sluggish all month, suffering from a general malaise that is driving me crazy. Within a few minutes of relieving some of the pressure, I felt a sense of euphoria that has eluded me for over a month.

Did it really work that well, or was it all in my head? To be honest, I don't really care. I feel better and that's all that matters. I am continually astonished at the wonders of the human body, and the way it will heal itself if we just pay attention.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

It is just after midnight on Christmas Eve. Little one and grandma snug in their beds. Cookies, carrots, and scotch left out for Santa and the reindeer. Soft mutterings and loud banging from the Ikea bunk bed assembly worker upstairs (aka my husband, who could use a whole bottle of scotch about now.)

I have always preferred Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. Much the same as I prefer Saturday to Sunday, because there is still something to look forward too. It is an unusual night as well, a time charged with so much expectation and emotion for most of us. The magic of virgin births and fat men that circle the earth and slide down chimneys. The loneliness of people who don't have families to celebrate with. The stress that family gatherings and obligations cause for others. The pressure of too much to do with too little time. The wonder in my son's eyes as he lies in his bed staring out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the magic.

As I walked around my neighborhood late this evening, I caught a glimpse of the magic too. Luminaries lit the walkways, each candle a glowing beacon in the night, leading me on to the next. A light dusting of snow. Complete quiet, not even a car on the road. It was a beautiful way to end the evening. In fact, I started my day before 7am with a similar walk. It's amazing how peaceful suburbia is when everyone is asleep.

However you spend this Christmas day, I hope you find a little bit of the magic. Be it alone or at a crazy family gathering. In the tear of a grandma or the look of wonder on the face of a toddler. In a virgin birth or a fat man in a sleigh. I wish you peace, love, and hugs, on this day and all the rest. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

The Birds

2010-12-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

An interesting thing has happened to me on two different days this week. A flock of robins (yes I said robins) has taken up residence in the tree out front. Think about it for a minute. When was the last time you have seen more than one or two robins at the same time? The day before yesterday I stopped counting them at 20.

This morning while I was preparing to meditate, one flew into the tree next to my window. He just sat there and stared at me. I couldn't stop watching him, even though I don't know what I expected him to do. Come over and tap on the window and give me a message? (That's a joke, just in case you didn't hear the sarcasm.) Here's what the "Animal Speak" book has to say about robins.

Robin
Keynote: Spread of New Growth
When a robin comes into your life, you can expect new growth to occur in a variety of areas of your life - not just a single area.
The robin egg reflects the innate ability of those with this totem to assert the will force to create new growth in her life. When the robin comes to you it is to help you in this process. It may reflect you have been dong so inappropriately or ineffectually. Either way, the robin will show you how to do it successfully.

I realize that the robins were probably migrating, but I still have never seen anything like this before. It is quite a site to see 20 red breasts in a tree, with more flying around between the houses. I think the message is very timely for me. I am excited about the prospect of new growth. Like the robin, I'm ready to spread my wings and search out new sources of nourishment, whatever they might be.

My Triumphant Return

2010-12-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

Wow. I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but I didn't realize it had been a month. It's not for lack of material, or because I don't want to write. I just haven't had any motivation. The old me would have said I didn't have time to write. The new me realizes that's not entirely true. It would be more accurate to say I haven't made the time to write.

I've been going through an interesting period lately. I only worked the first 3 days of the month, so I have been home for an extended period of time. Even though I have had this extra "free" time, the days seem to be whizzing by faster than normal. Time seems to have accelerated, and I am frazzled because I have all of this time off but don't seem to be accomplishing anything. There is never a time when I am just sitting around doing nothing, but at the end of the day I don't know where the time has gone. I'm certainly not doing spiritual things, self help, reiki or writing; these have all been pushed to the bottom of the "to do" list. I can't get motivated to make them a priority, and then I feel guilty about not doing them.

I realize that I will go through resting periods, gaining strength for the next big thing coming my way. Sustaining a rocket ship trajectory of growth is not sustainable or even desirable, and I realize this. I know this is one of those resting periods. I'm in the upside down bell curve as my husband said last night. I should just relax, be gentle with myself, and not judge myself for what I am accomplishing or not accomplishing. Because I know this, I get even more frustrated at myself because I am feeling unhappy and guilty about where I am with my evolution.

After spending time with some inspirational friends last night, I think I am ready to start growing again. Or at least to stop being so hard on myself. It is a fine line between urging myself forward so I don't become stagnant, and giving myself the time and space crucial to my spiritual growth. I need to absorb the changes I am trying to make so I can move on. I am trying to change some core beliefs that have been a part of my life forever (doubt, fear, and trust to name a few). This is a huge shift, and I need to be gentle with myself until it assimilates.

Writing is very therapeutic, and I think I just had a breakthrough as I wrote the last paragraph. In the past, I have very enthusiastically started projects and then lost interest. The last month has been a period of slow growth, while I try to absorb a change before I move forward. There is a part of me that fears I am giving up on myself when I go through a period like this. That I am losing interest, or losing faith, and that this will end up like all of those other abandoned projects. That's what leads to the guilt, and then the vicious cycle because I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know I am exactly where I need to be.

That was my first goal after Warrior Monk; to look in the mirror every morning for a month and say "I am exactly where I need to be." Coincidentally, it was right after I stopped doing this that the unmotivated funk settled in. I think maybe I need to make that a morning practice again.

I will have some interesting things to write about this week, and I can feel my enthusiasm returning already. For a while now, I have been interested in finding out more about Ayurveda; a traditional healing modality from India. I am especially interested in panchakarma, which helps detox and restore balance to the body. I can't write any more about it now, because I don't really know anymore about it. I have just had an intuitive feeling that I need to check it out, and I have a consultation appointment with an Ayurvedic practitioner tomorrow. I'll be educating all of us about it later this week.

Damage

2010-11-21T20:24:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine pointed out last week that there are a lot of "damaged" people walking around. I have been pondering that a lot lately, and I must admit it has me kind of down.

So many people in so much pain. Why? Why do we have to suffer? Because it is our lot in life. That sounds awfully trite, but it's the thought that came into my head so I wrote it down. And then this one came. We must suffer to grow. Without the suffering, there is no challenge. Without the suffering, there is no need to change, to evolve. We have a choice. Do we rise above the challenge, and use it as our catalyst to propel us into something bigger and better? To help us accomplish whatever it is that our soul is longing to experience? Or do we let it consume us? Eat away at us from the inside, until there is nothing left but a hollow shell, incapable of feelings or actions.

Most times the "damage" we suffer comes from something (or someone) outside of our immediate control. Although we may not have control over the original incident, we do have control over how we choose to let it affect our lives. Do we use it as a crutch? As an excuse for never taking responsibility? Do we let the fear of being hurt again consume us so that we can never reach out?

Or like the chick in the egg, do we take the chance that there is a beautiful world on the other side of this blackness that envelopes us. Do we have the courage to break through the wall separating us from our destiny; or do we stay inside this shell and die from lack of nourishment? Do we stretch and grow like a flower bulb in spring, reaching for the warmth of the sun? A sun that isn't yet visible but our instinct tells us that it is there, just waiting to be discovered. Or do we shrivel and die like an unpicked grape on the vine.

Do we rise above the "damage" or let it consume us? Each one of us must make that choice for ourselves. There is no right or wrong, only what is best for you. Your soul knows the answer and can help you make the choice. Let it speak to you. And then listen.

Breathing Lessons

2010-11-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

I seem to be having a hard time getting organized lately. "Hurry up we're running late," seems to be my mantra of choice recently, and I'm making a conscious effort to change that. My son and I did some volunteer work last week before I went to work. I purposely left home early so that we wouldn't be rushed. I made one stop at a store on the way, and then managed to get stuck in rush hour traffic. That would've been ok, except I ended up on the wrong street. Twice.

After making a concerted effort to be on time and still being twenty minutes late, I was getting frazzled. I started muttering to myself under my breath. Berating myself for always being rushed, asking why this had to happen again. I was about to break down and cry when a tiny voice of reason drifted up from the back seat.

"Don't cry mama. Stay calm. It's ok. Try your magic breathing." Apparently my son has actually been listening to me.

As I tried to calm down I realized my feelings weren't just something I could switch off. I knew I was being irrational, but I needed a way to release the frustration before I could feel better. Far too many of us just swallow those feelings down; burying them in a deep dark place inside. Harboring them for later, when they begin to infect us from within, causing dis-ease because they were never released and dealt with properly.

I thought of the words to one of my son's songs. "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you." I mentioned this to my son, who again told me to try my magic breathing (Close your eyes, slow inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth).

It wasn't until today that I realized the lesson from getting lost and being late for the volunteering. Not only did I learn that my son actually pays attention to what I tell him, but I learned first hand how hard it is to do the things I tell him.

When he is having a full blown melt down because he is exhausted or frustrated, I expect him to stop behaving like that as quickly as possible. I've taught him about magic breathing, never realizing how hard it was to accomplish when your emotions are like a pinball machine and you just need to vent.

I've been around a lot of parents lately that expect their children to "get some control" and never show any emotion. I feel really sorry for these kids, and I think we all need a constructive way to release emotions. My son was upset the other day, and he went over and started banging on his drum. Some parents might have been upset by this "lack of control," but I was actually really proud of him. To me, it was a positive way to release negative energy that if buried inside, could cause him harm later.

Am I saying we should all go around yelling and banging on things every time we're upset? Of course not. But I am saying that it's alright to cry. Or bang a drum. Or hit a punching bag or pillow. Or stomp your feet. It doesn't matter how old you are. Let your sad out. Or anger, frustration, hurt - whatever it is you're dealing with. And feel the freedom of release.

Writing on the Wall

2010-11-17T06:05:00.000-08:00

I found it hard to sleep last night. Session 3 of my writing class left me with all kinds of interesting possibilities, and I couldn't wait to wake up and start working with them and writing. Now as I sit in the car dealership waiting for my car, with all of the time in the world to write, I am avoiding it like the plague. I've wasted time sending e-mail. I've even thought of doing the test for work I've been procrastinating about. And now I'm blogging. What am I avoiding? And why am I so afraid?

I don't have to ask the question, I already know the answer. My class is about transforming myself through my writing, and I have definitely been doing that. I know that once I break down the walls there will be no more excuses, no reason not to continue on this journey. I feel like I am ready for that, but obviously there is a part of me that is not.

Yesterday was an insecure, emotional day for me after reading the assignments of my writing classmates. Although I was very proud of my assignment, I started to panic and feel inferior after reading theirs. I kept telling myself that their journey is not mine. Their stories are not mine. Even still, I felt the old drive to be the best kicking in.

I had a discussion with a friend the other night about seeking approval vs. feedback. I realized I have spent my entire life searching for approval. If I didn't get it, I would change myself so that I would. Now I am at the stage of my life where I am on the cusp of letting go of the approval. Of not caring what others think of me, not changing myself to conform to what others think I should be. I'm realizing that part of my journey is to be true to myself. The only approval that matters is my own.

I have a lot to learn about writing, and I want honest feedback so I can learn and grow. At the same time, there is a part of me that feels like a failure if someone doesn't like what I've written. If they have a suggestion then that means I've failed. I haven't accomplished my lifelong goal of pleasing everyone.

Deep down, I know my writing will reach those that it's meant to. Not everyone will like it or be touched by it, and some may not even understand it. I was actually a bit shocked with the feedback on my piece in class last night. It was all very positive, and the suggestions that were made gave me some great ideas for further growth. Instead of feeling inferior I was actually excited; hence the reason I couldn't sleep.

I don't have anything left to do now but write my next assignment. Part of me thinks if I take long enough to type this my car will be ready and I won't have to start. I don't know what this resistance is, but I'm summoning up the courage to break through this wall. First I need a cup of coffee, and then I need to find my sledgehammer. This wall is coming down, but I need to write some graffiti on it first.

The Call

2010-11-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on day 4 at Warrior Monk.

When do I not feel the call? Lately it is my constant companion. I can feel it luring me, and I welcome it. But what exactly am I being called to do? I realize I am on the path, the deer trail before me hidden in the woods, but the end is unknown. The last word of the sentence “I am” remains elusive. What I discovered today is that the word I’m searching for is elusive because there is no word. I can stop frantically searching for a title for what I am being called to be because there is no title. To give it a title would impose a limit – and my potential is limitless. Writer, teacher, healer, I can be all of those and more. With a sense of astonishment I realize that I can’t see the end of the path because there is no end. I am writing, teaching, healing right now – in this very minute – and so much more. This is my calling. Welcome calling.

The Deer

2010-11-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a writing class, and a few weeks ago our first assignment was to write about object, place, and character. The instructor said I did well with the object and place (I wrote about a stone circle in Scotland), but that I needed to flush out the character a little bit more (myself). He suggested I write a timeline of my life, just general events and dates, to get me going. When I sat down to do this, all I kept writing about was my dad and my relationship to him.

My dad passed away the day after Christmas 2006. He worked for over 40 years at a job he hated to support his family, and he would have done anything for us. The problem was that he didn't trust people. He did the best he could, but I grew up feeling like I had to question everything and everyone, especially myself. I worked on this quite a bit at Warrior Monk. Learning to trust myself, releasing fear and doubt. Finally able to accept who I am, even if it is different from what others expect of me.

I don't think my dad would have understood the spiritual quest I'm on now when he was alive. Stick to the sure thing, the safe thing, he would have said. Avoid the unknown. He was a no-nonsense kind of guy, and he couldn't even understand why I wanted to be a vegetarian. Somehow I feel a deeper connection to him now that he has passed, almost like he is guiding me. Not only do I think he understands, but I think he wants me to succeed on this new path, whatever it turns out to be. He's no longer pointing out everything that could go wrong with my new endeavors, but showing me the deer trail through the woods that will send me on my way.

I arrived early at Warrior Monk to do some writing. I was standing close to the house, looking for the perfect spot to write. A deer came up out of the woods, looked right at me, and continued to walk towards me. My dad was an avid deer hunter, and he taught me quite a bit about them. In all of my years of watching deer, I have never seen this happen. Frustratingly, a car came around the corner at that point and scared her away.

Every time we went outside over the next few days, I saw a deer, sometimes several. Even the last day. I had to leave early to get home for Halloween, and as usual I was running late. I wanted to write one more poem beneath my "inspiration tree" before I left, so without much grace I bounded through the woods as fast as I could. Looking down so I didn't fall, I didn't realize how close the deer were. When I finally looked up I saw the 4 white tails flying, as the deer tried to escape this crazy person wrecking their peace and crashing through the woods.

The deer are a sign to me that my dad continues to accompany me on this journey of self discovery. I am slowly shedding this skin that no longer fits, and blossoming into the me that I was always meant to be. Thanks for the encouragement and guidance Dad. Just watch me grow.

The Leaf

2010-11-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this the second day of Warrior Monk, as I laid on the grass watching the leaves flutter thru the breeze. It feels like a poem, but I have no idea how to punctuate a poem. It doesn't matter.

The golden leaves shower down like rain, the gentle caress of the wind enticing them to leave the safety and nourishment of the tree.

But the tree is not really nourishing them anymore, which makes it easier for them to leave. To take the invitation of the wind and unabashedly proceed to the next stage of life.

The stage where they decompose and provide nourishment for another.

If only I could leave the tree so freely, with reckless abandon. Is it really reckless, or just finding a new source of nourishment?

Releasing something that no longer serves me, but instead drains the color and life out of me.

I must do this to survive.

The leaf knows what to do. Why don't I?

I Am Free

2010-11-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

"It was only my acceptance of labels and definitions of others that made me "Who I Am Now," when, in reality, I was free to be anyone." An excerpt from "The Sin Eater's Last Confession."

I've spent my life being the over achiever, trying to please everyone. I always felt the need to make people proud of me, to be proud of myself. "Do whatever it takes to get the pat on the back and make people like you," seemed to be my motto. What I'm realizing now is that it doesn't matter if other people like you, the most important thing is that you like yourself. Rumi said, "start a huge foolish project like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you." I think I finally understand that, and I am letting myself start to believe it.

I spent a lot of time at Warrior Monk dealing with the fear, worry, and doubt that surrounded me growing up. I had a wonderful childhood with very loving parents, and I mean them no disrespect by what I'm about to say. The feeling I carried with me from childhood thru becoming an adult is that the world is not a safe or happy place, and this came mostly from my Dad. Don't trust anyone, always question someones motives, think of what could go wrong and the reasons you can't, shouldn't, wouldn't etc.

I have fallen right into this belief system, and I didn't trust anyone, let alone myself. I've been ignoring my intuition and longing, knowing that I'm called to do something to help others, but questioning where this feeling is coming from. The old, "What if" question kept rearing it's ugly head. "What if" something goes wrong? "What if" you make the wrong decision. The lack of trust in myself is holding me back from doing something bigger with my life. Well, it was holding me back. I managed to dump a lot of my fear, worry and doubt at Warrior Monk thru their creation exercises. They made me realize that the things I get most upset about are my own creations. If they are my creations and I create my own reality, then I can change by beliefs or release those that no longer serve me. This is a very simplified description of a complex process, but hopefully you get the idea.

So now I find myself at the threshold of a new path. No longer worried so much about what other people think of me, and ready to see the world in a new, rose colored light. Am I going to be naive and stupid? No. But I am also not going to be afraid to express the true me, the real me that has been bottled up inside for a while.

This blog has been the first step in expressing myself, and I'm ready to let more people know about it. Some of my closest friends don't even know I'm writing it, and I think they will be quite surprised. If I start to get nervous I will just think of Noah, and all that he accomplished by not worrying about what others thought of him. I'm sure some of his friends thought he had lost his mind. I may not accomplish what Noah did for the world, but what I will accomplish by being true to myself is invaluable to me. Don't worry friends, there may not be a flood coming, but I know what I'm doing.

Am I A Warrior Or A Monk?

2010-11-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Quite literally. I spent last week here at Warrior Monk, and yet again I have had another experience that defies a description in words. To say that it was life changing sounds like an exaggeration, but it truly was a life changing experience. My re-entry back to the real world has been slow, and that is why it's taken me so long to get back on the computer again.

During the 5 day retreat we had no phone, tv, radio, or computer, and we were encouraged not to wear a watch. I don't have an addiction to the first 3 items so they were not difficult for me to give up, but giving up my addiction to time was an effort. I am constantly looking at my watch, and it seems that the more time I spend looking at it the faster the time passes. I am amazed how long an hour can seem when you're not counting it in 5 minute increments. I actually spent the first week after class without a watch, and I only put it back on yesterday to come to work. I always knew what time it was even without the watch, and I think I will continue to go without one when I am at home. Timeliness is a good asset for a pilot to have, so I guess I will continue to wear a watch for work. But I won't be happy about it!

At the retreat, we were awakened every morning before dawn with a bell chime, and it was so nice to wake up to a beautiful sound instead of the incessant honking of an obnoxious alarm clock. I'm not sure if it was the chime or the excitement over the day ahead, but I found myself leaping out of bed like a kid on Christmas morning. When I try to get up before dawn at home, I always end up turning the alarm off and going back to sleep. I'm hoping that will change, because for my peace and tranquility at home I am definitely investing in a gentler alarm clock.

I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this, and don't tell my husband I said it, but I actually enjoyed having someone else in charge for 5 days. Not having to worry about when to get up, when to eat or what to cook, or when I had to be somewhere was a refreshing change. All of my needs were met, and I felt safe and encouraged instead of fearful and worried. I did not have to worry about disappointing anyone except myself.

I also came away from the week with a newfound appreciation for poetry. I have never enjoyed poetry before, either reading or writing it, and have always found it quite intimidating. I thought all poetry had to have some sort of strict structure and form, and I certainly didn't feel intelligent enough to write it. I lumped it into the category I use with crossword puzzles. It makes me feel stupid when I don't "get it", so I won't even try.

Every poem that was read during the retreat spoke directly to my heart. Not only did I understand them, but it was as if they had been written specifically for me. The first morning we meditated, took a walk, and then came back inside and opened our workbooks. When they said we were going to write a poem next, I think I laughed out loud. That was before the fear took over and my palms started sweating. The combination of meditating, the influence of being outside in nature, and the love bubble of people that surrounded me, encouraged me to put aside the fear and write. And I loved it. In fact, one of my goals is to write 30 poems by Dec. 1. I'm up to 9 so far. You might even see a few of them here.

This post is already much longer than I had intended, so I will end it for now. I'm sure I will continue to discuss the experience in the next few blogs. For some reason I have resisted writing about my experience until now. It was all I could do to not crawl into bed tonight and put this off yet another night. I'm not quite sure why I keep coming up with excuses, but I will try to blog more. If I have time after the poetry! I told you it was life changing.

Prevention Is A Naughty Word In Healthcare

2010-10-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and well educated, but I need something explained to me. I cannot for the life of me figure out why everything in this country related to healthcare seems to be backwards.

I had a few questions about what could be reimbursed for my Healthcare Spending Account, so I called to find out the answers. I was told that I could be reimbursed for over the counter medicine like cough syrup and Tylenol, but not vitamins or supplements. "Basically anything that's not preventative," were the exact words of the representative.

So let me get this straight. If I'm trying to prevent myself from getting sick I can't get my money back. But once I am sick I can get reimbursed for buying drugs. It's like I'm being rewarded for covering up the symptoms by body is giving me to tell me something is wrong. And we wonder why we spend gazillions of dollars on health care.

This kind of thinking leaves me dumbfounded, and although I'd like to be optimistic I don't see it getting better any time soon. Do you know that in some countries that practice "Eastern Medicine," the practitioner doesn't get paid if you get sick. That means he or she has a vested interest in keeping the patient healthy. That makes much more sense to me, unlike in this country where doctors don't make any money if the patient stays well.

I plan to continue exploring "alternative" health options, even if I have to pay for them out of pocket and don't get a refund from my health spending account. I may not get my money reimbursed, but I will continue to be proactive rather than reactive with my health. Maybe if enough of us start to feel this way it will make a difference. I can only hope.

Dancing Queen

2010-10-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Over the summer I participated in a class called the Rhythm of Life Design. I blogged about the life changing effects from the class here.

I met some amazing people at the class, and several of them were in town last weekend for a drumming workshop/concert. One of my new friends teaches African dancing, and she was going to perform before the concert. Or so I thought. It turns out that she was actually teaching a dance class, and after a few moments of indecision and sheer terror I decided to go ALL IN and overcome a fear that I've had for 20 years. Since I don't believe in coincidence, I realized I was meant to take the class, even though I would have been much more comfortable spectating instead of participating.

I have a love/hate relationship with dancing. I love to dance, but I hate for people to watch me. This stems from an insensitive comment made by a college boyfriend. We were dancing at a bar, and he leaned over and shouted something in my ear that sounded like, "You dance like a cow." Because of all the noise I was sure that I had heard him incorrectly and he couldn't really have said that, so I asked him to repeat himself. No, that was definitely what he had said to me. The boyfriend didn't last, but the crushing blow to my ego and self esteem did.

During the dance class last weekend I was still self conscious, but I also really enjoyed dancing for the first time in years. I realized that everyone in the class was more concerned about what they were doing than what I looked like. There was a concert after the class, and it didn't even bother me when people arrived early for the concert and stood along the glass windows to watch us dance.

What kept me going was some great encouragement from my friend/teacher. She said that sometimes she steps outside of her comfort zone and finds herself "going for it," even if it makes her uncomfortable. She does this to help the people that are watching her, because they might not have the courage to try something new. By overcoming her fears, she is showing others that they could do the same thing. I'm trying to remember that lesson. Not just in regards to dancing, but regarding everything else in my life that I find difficult or intimidating.

At Rhythm of Life Design we set goals for ourselves for one week, one month, and one year. With lots of encouragement from my friends, my one year goal was to dance in public with them at the same time next year. It appears I've managed to manifest this goal about 10 months early. The most important thing I've learned from all of my new inspirational friends is this. If you go "ALL IN," you are guaranteed to grow. And you might just enjoy yourself in the process.

Are You Eating Bugs?

2010-10-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

My son had his first preschool field trip last week. It was the first time he had been around other kids that had brought a lunchbox from home. Over the last few years we have educated ourselves and overhauled our food consumption at my house. We tend to eat fairly healthy things now, and we try to stay away from artificial sweeteners and food coloring, and anything with partially hydrogenated or corn syrup on the label. My general rule of thumb is if the label contains more than a few ingredients or something I can't pronounce I try not to buy it. Except for "cheesy poofs," which my son continually begs me to buy and I can't seem to say no. Maybe it's just the cute name he has for cheese curls, but for some reason my rules go out the window when it comes to cheesy poofs.

I was not prepared for the inevitable questions about food when my son returned from his field trip. "Mommy, Jimmy had a packet of red stuff he put in his water at lunch time. Can I have some of that?" Luckily, my husband, who actually started the healthy eating campaign at our house, picked up the charge. "Didn't you say that Jimmy got in trouble on the bus ride back to school? Sometimes when we eat things we shouldn't it makes us hyper and it's hard to control ourselves."

We've actually seen the evidence of this first hand. Our neighbor has a child that was having some behavior problems, but instead of medicating her they decided to try a diet change first. After cutting out foods with preservatives and food coloring, the child's behavioral problems went away. I wish more parents realized that there is a correlation between food and behavior, something I didn't realize myself until the last few years. I wonder how many children on Ritalin would be better served by a dietary overhaul instead.

"Besides," my husband told my son, "that red stuff is made from crushed up bugs." My husband teases my son all of the time, and I could see the look of disbelief on my sons face. "He's not kidding this time buddy," I chimed in. It is a little known fact that red food colorants called cochineal and carmine are made from crushed up bugs. Here's one of the many google references if you don't believe me. (I found it hard to believe too.)

Food Coloring Made From Bugs

Unfortunately, I can see where this is going to go. My son will go to school and tell the kids that there are crushed up bugs in their drinks. The kids won't believe him, and four year old arguments will ensue. A few kids may actually go home and discuss this with their parents, and the parents will tell their kids we made it up because we don't want my son drinking the red stuff. If only they all read my blog, then they would know the truth!

I'd like to say I've completely stopped eating anything red since I found out about this, but I just can't give up my ketchup. I'm afraid to look at the ingredients, so maybe right now I'll go with the philosophy that ignorance is bliss. Maybe if I decide to look I'll get lucky, and it will only be Red #40 on the ingredient list. That way I'd only be eating a coal derivative instead of bugs. Thank goodness we have the FDA to protect us from natural things like Stevia, but allow us to eat tar. But that discussion is for another blog.

100 Writings of Blogs On the Wall

2010-10-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't actually plan to write 3 blogs in one day. Technically it was only two, since I wrote the first one last night but didn't have my computer with me to post. This is perfect though, because my 100th post is a significant blogging event, and today is my birthday and a day that feels very pivotal in my evolution, for some unknown reason.

39. It's still hard to believe. I think 40 is going to be a monumental, life changing year for me. But why wait until 40? Maybe because I need a year to prepare. I am not nearly as worried about 40 as I was about 30. From age 26 on, I was counting down the years to 30 with great angst. Even at 30, 40 seemed incredibly old to me. It's amazing how your perspective changes.

I won't say I'm actually dreading 40, because I think I still have some amazing things to accomplish in my life. It is a little daunting to think I'm as close to 59 as I am to 19, but I try not to think about that. At the warp speed pace my life has been taking lately, 59 will be here before I know it. I've spent the last 20 years accomplishing the personal, ego centered goals I've set for myself. I plan to spend the next 20 years giving back, making a contribution to the world that I can be proud of. I guess I really am having a mid life crisis.

I'd like to write some words of wisdom on this 39th birthday. Something I can look back on later and be amazed at my forethought, or just give myself a good giggle over the things that never materialized. Nothing profound is coming to mind though. Actually, I read something in "The Sin Eater's Last Confession" last night that was very appropriate. This is the book I've been reading about Celtic Shamanism. The author of the book was talking about his encounter with angels, and the message he received from them. He saw the words "Be Tranquil," in the shape of a lemniscate or figure eight. I have a previous post about lemniscates and their significance to me. Here are the words he used to interpret what this message meant to him.

"It meant "accept who you are," "stand in your power," "know your truth," "follow your destiny," "release expectations," "let go," "relax," "embrace," "engage," - all of these things and more. Finally it meant: "We are here for you.""

I couldn't have said it better myself, as I need to work on all of these things. And the last one gave me the chills as I read it. I was giving reiki to a friend this weekend who is very intuitive, I would even say psychic. During the session, she said, "They keep saying "WE ARE HERE."" When she said, "I'm listening," they said, "Not you," meaning the message was for me. Then they proceeded to tell her I don't listen to them. Could that little nagging intuition I occasionally feel be something more? Or do I not listen because I just can't hear them? It's a little strange that she had the message " We are here," and then 2 days later I read a book where angels are saying "We are here for you." My husband would say I'm reading too much into something that is nothing more than a strange coincidence. I'll leave it up to you to decide, but I am definitely listening.

Happy Birthday To ME

2010-10-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

I had a birthday gift from the company today. When I checked in for work at 5:30 this morning, there was a little "acknowledge assingnment change" message on the computer. This is normally not a good thing. It means they've changed my assignment for the day. "Please don't do this to me," I silently prayed, expecting the worst, while visions of having to go on the road for three days in a green speckled shirt circled around in my head. Not to mention, I was looking forward to having birthday dinner at home with my family.

Imagine my surprise when I acknowledged my assignment and discovered that my whole day had been cancelled! All I had to do was ride in the back of the airplane home, instead of my scheduled Boston-Philly trip I was supposed to fly. Have to go now, I'm home in time to have lunch with my wonderful husband. Happy Birthday indeed!

You Are Stronger Than IT

2010-10-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

As I drove to work yesterday, I found myself incredibly frustrated. A friend was visiting for the weekend, and although we had a great time I didn't get much accomplished around the house. I spent most of yesterday playing with my son instead of catching up, and about an hour before I was to leave for work I realized how much I should have taken care of during the day and didn't. The pile of mail that had been sitting for a week, the bag of groceries that never got put away, the pile of clothes on the bed, the laundry, etc. etc.

It's a fine line between playing with my son and getting chores done for me. I will never regret a minute I spend playing with him, but I have a hard time being fully present with him when I know I have a list of projects hanging over my head to accomplish. My motto lately has been, "the laundry and dishes can wait." Even though I can physically avoid doing the dishes, emotionally I am not able to forget about the sink and just enjoy the time with my son.

As I drove to the airport yesterday, I wasted valuable energy berating myself. For all of the things I didn't do or should've done, for the fact that I haven't blogged for a week or exercised in the last two, for running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get out of the house for work. I said things to myself that I would never dream of saying to anyone else.

Stuck in traffic, I used my time to pray to God that I didn't do anything stupid while I was at work. Not that I was worried about doing something dangerous stupid, just stupid stupid. What qualifies as stupid stupid? Well, last week while I was doing my walk around check of the airplane, I tripped on the hose from the fuel truck because I thought it was just a shadow. Since I didn't realize it was there, I tripped on it about three times in the second it took my brain to realize what was going on. The fueler couldn't control his laughter, and I'm sure it instilled a lot of confidence in the passengers watching me from the windows of the terminal. It always gives people a warm fuzzy feeling to see that the person that is about to pilot their airplane has trouble with something as simple as putting one foot in front of the other.

Either God didn't hear my prayer, or he thought I was referring to today when my trip actually started, and that I didn't need help with my commute to work last night. Whatever the case, he certainly didn't save me from myself and from doing something stupid stupid.

I had decided to start eating healthy again, so I made myself a green drink. The drink contained about every green vegetable imaginable, plus spirulina. For those of you unfamiliar with spirulina, it is a bright green powder, stain-worthy enough to be used as a dye for Easter eggs. I put the drink in a flip top container, which I then stuck in the seat back pocket of the airplane so that it didn't spill under the seat in front of me. Half way to Chicago, at about 30,000 feet, the pressure was too much for the container and the top blew open. A shower of green rained down on me, the passenger next to me (luckily a pilot I was commuting with), and everything in our row from the seats to the tray tables to the ceiling and sidewall of the airplane. It may even have hit people in the row in front and behind me, I was too embarrassed to look.

As if this weren't bad enough, I had a scheduled overnight at home tonight, which meant the shirt I was wearing was the only one I had with me. (I commute in uniform because it is easier to get through security.) It wouldn't have been such a big deal if I had had my leather jacket with me, but I conveniently forgot to grab it as I raced out the door to work.

I guess maybe God really was listening to my prayer though, because when I turned my phone on in Chicago, I had a message from a friend who is a great inspiration to me. The message was actually from the day before, but I had forgotten to listen to it, and now I know why.

My friend said that she had been catching up on my blog, and just wanted to tell me I didn't need to be so critical of myself. (Which I already know, but for some reason need her to continually remind me.) The message she had, which was exactly what I needed to hear that minute, was this. "You are stronger than IT." Whatever it is. Whether it's the unpaid bills, the lack of exercise, or green speckled airplane seats and uniforms, "you are stronger than IT." Boy, did those words ring true for me.

I am stronger than IT, so I'm making another resolution, a birthday resolution if you will. This day, 365 days before my 40th birthday (yikes), I vow to be kind to myself. In whatever form that takes. I vow to not say things to myself that I wouldn't say to other people. And I will not get upset with myself when I inevitably slip up with these vows, or do something stupid stupid. And that's the word of the day, straight from the mouth of the Jolly Green Giant. At least my tie covers most of the spirulina. Amen.

Blame it on the Samosa

2010-10-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

I made it 2 whole days. Today, day 3, I succumbed to the Indian buffet. Now that I've self diagnosed the liver stagnation, I've added spicy foods to my normal avoidance list of wheat, dairy, and sugar. Almost everything I ate tonight was spicy, but at least I managed to avoid the naan bread and the mango lassi. I had a little wheat and dairy, and a ridiculous amount of rice pudding, fruit pudding, and halva pudding. Interestingly, I noticed that an hour after eating I was exhausted and felt like crap. Will I ever learn?

At least I journaled today. Writing was actually listed as a helpful activity for liver stagnation. Maybe that will inspire me. Oh well, back to square one tomorrow.

New Discoveries

2010-10-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm on day two of the "old new me." I have been doing pretty well with my goals so far. The day before yesterday I got up early and went for a walk. We are definitely having an Indian Summer here and it was just too beautiful to stay inside. In fact, I'm sitting on my candlelit porch right now and I'm almost hot in a sweatshirt. Unheard of for mid October around here. I also wrote in my journal that morning and did my affirmations. Today I did my affirmations and then stayed inside and did some writing for my writing class.

I also started taking flower essences again, this time it's Bach Flower Remedies. I just happened upon them the other day at the grocery store, and they have really made a difference. A flower essence is the dilution of a flower into a liquid for emotional support. I put several drops of each in a glass of water a few times a day and drink it. I can't believe how well it works, because I certainly was skeptical the first time I tried it.

I am taking a nettle blend, which actually isn't by Bach. This is for my allergies, and I am learning that nettle is good for all kinds of ailments. I was unfamiliar with stinging nettle until I met my English husband. Either I was just lucky as a kid, or we aren't assailed with nettles here in the states like they are in the UK. He absolutely hates them, but I have made friends with them and am finding them quite useful. I guess I'll feel that way until I get stung by one.

I also bought something called the Bach Emotional Eating Support kit. Since I've had no will power concerning food the last few weeks, and I have been eating things with ingredients like carnuba wax and glycol, I thought this might be helpful. It contains the following 3 remedies.

Cherry Plum - helps you act rationally and think clearly with a calm and balanced mind when you fear losing control

Crab apple - helps you accept your physical imperfections and feel better about the way you are

Chestnut Bud - helps you observe your mistakes objectively so you can learn from them and move on

And I also bought Mimulus, which I have taken before for my fear of public speaking.

Mimulus - brings courage and calm to things that frighten or worry you, also aids the shy and timid

I can't tell you how they work but somehow they do. I also had another interesting discovery today, which I will need to research further. I have a book called Healing With Whole Foods. It is a great book, but it is huge and I can't take it to work with me. It's also the type of book that I can't read right before bed when I'm only half awake. I really want to be able to read it cover to cover, because I'm not getting the full information by just looking at symptoms. That being said, I'm pretty sure I have a liver stagnation. What does that mean? I'm not sure myself other than I need to be eating different kinds of foods (which my intuition was already telling me.) Actually, I just googled liver stagnation to try and explain it better, and I just realized why I have it. This is from an article by Anasuya Batliner.

"A main function of the Liver in TCM (traditional chinese medicine) is to move Qi (energy) and Blood so that all the other organs and muscles are energized and nourished. Liver likes to be motivated, to accomplish goals, to move forward in life in a creative and dynamic way. Anger and frustration emerges when our way forward is thwarted. Liver is the organ system most affected by repressed emotions." I'm not going to go into detail other than to say, "Yep, that would explain it."

Liver Stagnation Article

I'm Coming Up

2010-10-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

"Coming Up," an annoying and yet catchy McCartney song that is now running circles in my brain and won't leave me. Maybe it explains my current mood. Coming up - like a flower - coming uuuuuuupppppp. Sorry, I tried to convey the song in my head onto paper and it's just not working.

I had a realization today. Part of the reason I'm in a bad mood is because of the garbage I have been putting in my mouth. Well, not exactly garbage, but things I know I shouldn't be eating. This spring I did a pretty restricted diet, where I cut out all wheat, dairy, sugar and alcohol. Even though it was a horrible spring for allergies, I didn't have any of my usual symptoms. The down side was that food suddenly lost it's appeal since all I was eating was rice, vegetables, eggs, and nuts. In fact, the main reason I stopped doing the diet was because thinking about food all the time and what I could and couldn't eat was just too stressful. I did feel better though, and it was the first time in years I didn't have allergy symptoms.

The last few weeks my diet hasn't been very clean. I just got home from work, and on this trip I had a flour tortilla, breaded fish, coffee, and a Sheila's Dream Bar. What is a dream bar you ask? Well, it's a delicious dessert bar that has everything I shouldn't be eating, including dairy, wheat, sugar and chocolate. On top of all that, it also has carnuba wax and propylene glycol. Now, it's bad enough that I seem to have no will power lately, but normally if I read the ingredient list of a food and it has things in it that could be used to wax my car or de-ice my airplane, I wouldn't put it in my mouth. Not today. Today it was delicious.

I've decided I'm sick of waking up in the morning with dry, bloodshot eyes from my allergies. I'm tired of being grouchy and in a bad mood. I've finally decided to suck it up and make a change. Here is my plan.

1. Daily Affirmations to release anger, anxiety, negative and self limiting concepts
2. Stop eating junk I shouldn't be eating.
3. Start taking Bach Flower Remedies again. I ran across these at the grocery store of all places, and they called to me so I bought them. I'm going to start with them in the morning.
4. Getting up early to write/yoga/journal/whatever I feel like doing that nourishes ME

Wow, just writing the list is intimidating me, but I am ready. I guess that means I better go to bed so I can get up early and start with day one of the new me. Now that I've committed to this in writing (even if no one reads it), hopefully it will guilt me into staying motivated. We'll see what happens when the alarm goes off in the morning.

I Don't Have Anything Nice to Say, So I've Been Quiet

2010-10-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

Don't confuse the important things in your life with the necessary things in your life. That was the message last Sunday in church. My life seems to be jam packed with important things, which I keep trying to finish before I will let myself do the necessary things, like writing. The message is certainly not lost on me, I just can't figure out a way to stop worrying about not accomplishing the important things.

I thought after my checkride was over I would have plenty of time to write, blog, do reiki and yoga, basically any activity that nourished my soul. I have done little of those things since last week, as the chores of life seem to keep multiplying on my never ending to-do list. What have I gained my putting my to-do list ahead of my to-be list? I've gained an unwanted attitude adjustment. I'm in a horrible mood, angry, grouchy, and generally pissed off at the world. I haven't felt like writing because I can't find anything that inspires me to write about.

Why is it that when I am in the right frame of mind nothing seems to bother me? Now, because I've fallen off of the happy wagon and can't seem to drag myself back up, everything seems to annoy me. The school board meeting I can't attend tonight because I'm working, the argument I just had with my husband, the fact that the sushi restaurant closed 20 minutes early - all these things would normally not cause me to think twice on a good day. Today they all got the better of me, I'm embarrassed to admit.

I'm trying everything I can to get myself back to a place of love. I read an interesting quote yesterday. It basically stated that there is no evil in the world, only misguided love. I don't know if I believe that or not, because it certainly seemed evil when I couldn't get my miso soup and shrimp tempura today. It does help me to realize that people aren't intentionally trying to piss me off though, so maybe I'll hold onto that. And I'm also going to try to make writing my first priority in the morning, before I do anything else. Maybe that will put me in a better mood right from the start. I'll let you know how that goes.

Dallas

2010-09-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

Up until recently, I would have said that Dallas is one of my least favorite places. I guess I would still say that, but I've just spent the better part of a week here and I think maybe Dallas and I have made peace with one another. I have a somewhat pavlovian response to this city. It's not, ring a bell and I'll salivate, but mention the word Dallas and I immediately start to feel stressed. Let me explain why.

I come to Dallas once a year for training, which normally involves a day of class and then a day in the simulator. The simulator training rotates every year, one year it is training, and the next year it is a proficiency check, or PC. The PC is like a test, and we are expected to perform things like engine failures on takeoff, engine fires, systems failures and windshear recovery. Obviously these are things that we don't normally do in the airplane, so it is very nerve wracking to be tested on something you only get to practice once a year.

I suffer from an affliction commonly known amongst pilots as checkride-itis. It seems that no matter how much I study or prepare for a checkride, I am always nervous about it anyway. Flying an airplane is a very fluid process, and conditions change all the time. No matter how prepared you are, something can always throw a monkey wrench into your plans. I think it is this unpredictability that causes me so much angst.

My other problem with the simulator is that I expect myself to perform flawlessly, and anything less than perfect I regard as a failure. My instructor reminded us that PC stands for Proficiency Check, not Perfection Check. I wish I had taken that into consideration over the last few weeks, which I spent wishing Oct. 1st would hurry up and get here so my test would be over. The checkride went just fine, as it always does, and now I'm sorry I spent so much time and energy worrying about it.

It would be unfair of me to say I don't like Dallas just because it is the place that I happen to take my checkrides. Dallas and I just don't see eye to eye on quite a few issues. Texas is the land of oil, rodeos, big pickup trucks and steak houses. I'm concerned about the environment, I am disgusted by the treatment of animals at rodeos, and a vegetarian. Well, I guess I can't say I'm a vegetarian anymore because I am eating fish. Wow, that's the first time I've not been able to call myself a vegetarian. That makes me sad, but at the same time it's the first time I have been to Dallas and actually been able to eat.

Vegetarians are an alien species in most of Texas. The hotel where we used to stay had a steak house and a bar, and nothing else around it. The only thing I could eat on the menu was cheese quesadillas, which by the fourth day became very unappetizing. We have since switched hotels, and this one is next to a great mexican restaurant. Not only that, but the hotel actually has a recycling bag in every room.

I am eating fish and Dallas is recycling, maybe we could learn to get along. Unfortunately, that still doesn't solve my checkride-itis. Until I can find a way to stop getting a knot in my stomach when someone mentions the big D, I think I'll stick to coming here only when I have to. But maybe I won't spend so much time dreading it next year.

Procrastination

2010-09-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

As I sit in my hotel room in Dallas, I am beginning to panic. This is a new record for me, I usually reach this state of mind several weeks before I get to Dallas. I'm here for my yearly class work and simulator training. It's a review of things we don't normally do every day - things I hope to make it through my career without having to experience - events like engine fires, failures, evacuations, etc. Usually about two weeks before I get here I start panicking because I haven't been studying. I do everything I can to procrastinate, although in the end I always end up being over prepared. In fact, my house is never as clean as it is the month I have training. This year I'm lucky enough to have someone to clean the house for me, so I've found other things to distract me instead of studying. Mainly writing.

Yesterday I had my first writing class, and now I'm so inspired that it is even harder to stop writing and start studying. It was a strange feeling sitting in the workshop with 5 other writers. Wow, did I just call myself a writer? (I write, therefore I'm a writer, remember?) Anyway, I felt completely out of my element, as all of the other writers in attendance seemed much more accomplished than me. As the day progressed and we worked through exercises, I felt myself getting more blocked with each subsequent task. I was over-thinking and comparing myself to everyone else, instead of just writing. My inner critic was raising it's beastly head with all of the common put-downs. "You can't, you're not good enough, why are you wasting their time, you don't belong here."

There was one comment missing though, the one that normally comes to the front with lightning speed and can snuff out my self confidence in a flash. The fear of wondering what everyone else thought of me was conspicuously absent yesterday, and it was an amazing relief. It appears that all of the spiritual work I have done on myself in the last few months is actually working. While I was hearing my inner critic in one ear, I was able to accept it for what it was and I had a strange sense of peace and calm. I realized that the other people in class weren't there to judge me, but on the contrary, they wanted me to succeed. I also realized that most of the other writers had insecurities of their own, so they certainly weren't concerned about mine.

It is an incredibly liberating feeling to be able to focus on learning and growing, instead of feeling inhibited because I'm worried about how others perceive me. I know that I will get exactly what I need to out of this class, and that it will help me evolve not only as a writer but as an individual. I can't wait to get started on our writing assignment for the next class, but I guess that will have to wait until tomorrow. I've procrastinated long enough for today, and now I am really starting to panic. The books are calling me, and the pen will have to wait. But not for long.

Supersize Me

2010-09-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

We seem to have an oral fixation in this country. The obesity problem is an epidemic, and it is making our health care costs skyrocket. And yet everywhere we turn we are encouraged to consume, consume, consume. I am talking about food here, but the same could be said for our houses. Because everything is so inexpensive, we seem to have a need to fill every nook and cranny in our bodies and our homes with as many things as we can cram into them. When our home starts bulging at the seems, we just buy or build a bigger one. Unfortunately, we can't supersize our bodies like we can an extra value meal. It's a shame that quantity, not quality has taken over.

Here's an example. I took my son to church on Sunday, and he was in children's church for less than an hour. While he was there they gave him a snack. He is in preschool from 9-11:30 in the morning and he gets a snack. The other day I dropped him off at the babysitters after breakfast, and they had been waiting for him to arrive to have a snack. If the snack was a piece of fruit or some veggies I wouldn't have a problem with it, but we all know that's not what he is eating.

I don't mean to sound like I am preaching here, because I am struggling with this food addiction myself. I have a friend coming into town this weekend, and I suggested we meet for lunch or dinner. Not for a walk, or for yoga, or to talk, but to eat. When I take my son to preschool, I fill a to go cup with tea or coffee to take with me. Do I really need to do that? How often do we just shove food into our mouth without really paying attention to what we are eating or drinking?

I have been to Italy a few times, and I really enjoy the attitude towards food in that country. Most things are fresh and/or home cooked, and meals are a time to sit and converse and enjoy food. Gas stations on the highway have hot food, sandwich bars, and several selections of fresh fruit and vegetables.

Even the school lunches are home cooked. I remember watching a Jamie Oliver show where he went into an Italian school kitchen and showed the cooks what a British school lunch looked like. The cooks said they wouldn't feed it to their dogs. Is that an exaggeration? Probably. But how do we teach oue kids that they don't need to eat constantly, and that they need to consume clean healthy food to fuel their bodies, when we aren't getting the message ourselves?

I notice that since I have been back in the states my allergies have returned. I am still eating the same things I ate in Scotland - bread, coffee, and more sugar than I care to admit. Is it just the accumulation of all of these things over time that I am having a reaction to, or is it the extra additives we put in our food, like high fructose corn syrup? I'm beginning to think it's the latter.

Someone told me the other day that studies have shown that sugar is as addictive as heroin. I can't speak for the heroin side of it, but I sure am having a hard time kicking the sugar again. I find that once I stop eating it for a week, I no longer crave it. I'm trying to cut back my son's sugar intake as well, but that is next to impossible now that he has left the little cocoon that is our house and is out in the big, sugar obsessed world. I know I sound over protective, but I am amazed at how many times in one day he is offered sweets. And how do I tell him no when everyone else is eating it? He even has a new mantra when I talk about sweets. When I tell him he can't have something, he looks me in the eye and says, "It's all about the sugar." We both have a long way to go.

Amazing Grace

2010-09-19T18:42:00.000-07:00

If you read the last post and are anything like me, you went straight to google to find out what the term "sin eater" means. A short definition from the freedictionary.com, states a sin eater is "a man who (according to a former practice in England) for a small gratuity ate a piece of bread laid on the chest of a dead person, whereby he was supposed to have taken the sins of the dead person upon himself."

I must admit after learning the definition, I wondered why I felt called to buy a book about sin eaters. The visuals I was conjuring up in my head to go along with the definition certainly creeped me out. In the last post, I discussed how the book "Walking With The Sin Eater" has finally helped me realize why I keep drawing lemniscates. It has also helped me learn the meaning of several herbs/flower essences I have felt drawn to lately, such as chicory, garlic, fennel and juniper. And more than all of that, it has me pondering religion and some of the beliefs I've had all of my life.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been unable to find a church to fit my evolving spiritual views. I feel closer to God than I ever have before, but at the same time I find myself appalled at some of the things that are done in His name. All of the lives that have been lost over religious disagreement, the money spent on lavish churches when it could have been spent elsewhere, ego driven leaders that are more interested in power than in living a "Christian" way, all have made me question where I fit in with my spiritual beliefs. I'm starting to realize that my connection with God is something only I can discover, it is not something that I need to be interpreted for me or have someone else tell me what I should believe.

The book brings up the point that maybe even Jesus was sick of what was going on in his name. "Be like me, act in the ways that I act, but do not give your power to me or others, or feel that you must become part of a movement where I am all that matters."

As I pondered this idea today, feeling somewhat like a heretic, I had an invitation to visit a new church with a friend. The theme of the church for the next few weeks is "Re- Start", and my friend and I both felt the message was appropriate for me. I did enjoy the church, and I will probably go back again. During the sermon, the minister talked about the great chasm that sin creates between us and God, and the only way to bridge that chasm is through Jesus Christ. Do I really believe there is a chasm between God and I? What do I believe? I sent up a prayer asking God to give me some guidance. Is it really ok to feel what I'm feeling? Can I connect with Him as well on my own as I can through a church? Do I need to be told what to believe, or to have passages of the bible interpreted for me?

Believe it or not, I think I actually received an answer to my prayer, and it came in the very next song. I had an idea a few months ago to start my own "fellowship", if you will. Since I couldn't find a church that I enjoyed attending, I thought I would start my own group of like minded people. I planned to call it the "Amazing Grace" fellowship. I actually had one meeting, but then the busy-ness of life took over and it fell by the wayside.

If you haven't guessed it already, the song that followed my prayer was Amazing Grace. Coincidence, synchronicity, or sign? I'll leave that for you to decide, but I certainly know what I believe.

Lemniscates and Sin Eaters

2010-09-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

My friend and I were in a shop the other day that specializes in crystal jewelry, incense, new age books etc. As usual, I found myself in the book section, even though I have a stack of unread books at home. I was trying to decide between two books to buy, both of which were in the Spirituality/Celtic genre. One of the books I wanted to buy, and the other book I knew I should buy. After my experience with the "Book of Kells," I bought the latter.

The book I bought is called "Walking With The Sin Eater," by Ross Heaven. The title sounded strange to me, as I had no idea what a sin eater was, and the description on the back cover didn't explain much. As I flipped through the book I saw it mentioned Wales and Glastonbury, two of my favorite places. I also saw that it discussed shamanistic insights and a pilgrimage, and I think these things drew me to the book. Now that I've started reading it I can barely put it down.

After I do yoga, reiki or meditate, I often find myself in a very relaxed, almost hypnotic state. When I feel this way I normally pick up a pen and start to write. I have the urge to write words, but mostly what I end up drawing is the infinity symbol, or lemniscate. This has also been happening to me when I try to draw a mandala, which frustrates me. In my head I know what I want the mandala to look like, but all I keep drawing are spirals and lemniscates.

I've tried several times to google the meaning of lemniscate, but I never seem to find anything useful. Imagine my surprise to find a description in "Walking With The Sin Eater." The book states that it is a powerful magical symbol often found on the staff of healers. "It stands for the meeting of souls: saint and sinner, man and God as one." It is also a sign of direction and purpose. "It means that its bearer can never be lost because the circles double back on each other. By following them, the traveler may therefore go as far as he wishes into the worlds of spirit and matter but always find his way home."

As I find myself drawn into the world of alternative healing, this definition hits the mark perfectly. In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit I had tears in my eyes as I read the passage. Some would say it is just a coincidence that I keep drawing lemniscates, but I find it an amazing synchronicity with a much deeper spiritual meaning. I also feel like I'm at the beginning of a "pilgrimage" in my life, trying to find my true purpose and what I am really being called to do. The thought of "never being lost" is a reassurance that feels very comforting to me right now, as I'm not sure where I will end up on this journey. Yet again, I am learning that if I give up trying to control things and listen to my intuition, the answers I'm looking for will appear almost effortlessly.

The Dove

2010-09-19T05:46:00.000-07:00

I've been having a hard time getting myself to sit down and write this week. I complain about not feeling spiritually connected, and yet I don't make the time to connect with Spirit. When I actually sit down and make the time to connect through yoga, reiki, writing, or drawing, I feel so much better about myself. I've also had some unusual synchronicities this week to write about, but I still haven't been motivated to sit down and write. (I've learned to use the word synchronicity rather than coincidence, as I don't really believe in coincidence anymore.)

While we were in Scotland, I was looking for a book that my sister-in-law had mentioned to me. At least three different times on the trip I went into a book shop and thought, "oh, there's the book," only to pick it up and realize it wasn't what I was looking for. The book I kept being drawn to was called the "Book of Kells." It is an illuminated rendition of the four gospels from the Ninth century. The original is in Trinity College in Dublin. After being guided to that particular book numerous times, I still wasn't getting the message that it was that book I was meant to have.

Fast forward to this week, at my friend's house. I showed her my new earrings from Scotland, which have a celtic symbol on them. She said, "Those remind me of this book we bought in Ireland," and she pulled out the "Book of Kells." Ok, Ok, I get it.

The book talks quite a bit about St. Columba, who founded the abbey on Iona and was credited with bringing Christianity to Scotland. We visited the abbey while we were there, and it is fairly remote. We took a ferry to the island of Mull, drove for an hour where we only passed 3 houses and a shop, and then took another ferry to the second island of Iona.

As I sat at my friends house I flipped through the book, and I discovered Columba's name in Gaelic means "Dove of the Church." I have a fondness for doves, and I had the strange experience last week of seeing 3 doves at the beach. Forgive me if you read that blog entry, but in case you missed it here's a recap. I was sitting by the pool in Fort Lauderdale, and 3 doves came and landed on the table next to me. I had seen plenty of seagulls and even pigeons around that day, but I had never seen doves at the beach.

I didn't mention anything about doves to my friend, and I put the "Book of Kells" down so she could give me some reiki. During the reiki session, she said she envisioned a white dove. "This dove is always with you and he protects you," she said.

After the session, I picked the "Book of Kells" up again and went to the section titled "The Peacock and The Dove." I have also been drawn to peacocks lately. This section explained the significance of doves in the ancient artwork, and stated that the dove was used as a symbol for Spirit. Hmmm. Maybe I'm not as spiritually disconnected as I thought. Ok, ok, I get it.

Paper or Plastic? How About Neither?

2010-09-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that it is possible to learn something from everyone you meet. It might not always be something positive, but you can learn something none the less. I try to keep an open mind when I have a conversation with someone, and I realize that I don't always know the best way to do something. (Unless I'm talking to my husband, in which case I am always right.)

I wish the US would take this approach and look at the way other countries resolve some issues. I think that any time someone (or something, as a country), thinks that their way is the only way, and that they know better than everyone else, you start to lose something. Now before you start throwing daggers at me, I know that there are a lot of things we do well here, things that are worthy of emulation. And I also know that places like the UK have some issues that I'm glad we don't have to deal with here. These are just the things I think we could change in the US and be better off for it.

The entire 10 days we were in Scotland, I think I went into two bathrooms that had paper towels. All of the others had hand dryers. Now before you say it, I hate those things too. In fact, I've stopped using them since they never get my hands dry. Lately when I am in an airport restroom, or any other restroom for that matter, I've been noticing the mountain of trash we create by using paper towels. We use an enormous amount of landfill, not to mention trees, to dry our hands, when they air dry (or dry on our jeans) just as well. I'll admit, when it's 10 degrees outside it's not very comfortable to go outside with wet hands. And it is annoying when it's cold and flu season and I'm trying not to touch the doorknob to get out of the restroom. I've started to look at these as minor inconveniences compared to how much waste is generated using towels.

Another one of my personal pet peeves is our use of plastic bags for groceries. In the UK the majority of people I watched go into the supermarket had a reusable bag. In the US it's just the opposite. Sometimes when I hand the clerk my cloth bag, they put something in a plastic bag and then put it in the cloth. It wouldn't be so bad if the plastic bags weren't paper thin, because then the bag boy wouldn't feel the need to give me 6 bags for the 8 items I've purchased. If I forget to take my cloth bags and ask them to pack it heavy to use less bags, they just double bag it.

My sister in law was telling me that there has been a major "anti plastic bag" campaign the last year in the UK. They have managed to cut the number of plastic bags used in half, I can't remember the exact numbers but it was in the millions. Every shop I went into, they asked if I needed a bag before they just mindlessly shoved my chewing gum into a bag I didn't need.

Contrast that to the states, where the plastic bag industry just spent millions to successfully stop an anti plastic bag law in California. Do I think it should be a law that you can't use plastic, probably not. But unfortunately, some people need it to be mandated to do the right thing.

I was listening to a radio show last year, and the host was talking about the island of plastic waste floating in the Pacific that is twice the size of Texas. In the next sentence he said something to the effect of, how dare they tell me I can't use plastic bags, I'll use as many as I want. This is the attitude that drives me crazy. What's best for me is not always what's best for humanity. Like I said earlier, you can learn something from everyone you come into contact with. Even if that something is just a reminder to be a little less selfish and a little more open minded to change.

Bye Bye Allergies, Hello Mercury Poisoning

2010-09-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

The next few blogs will most likely be about my trip to Scotland. I have a lot of observations and stories from my trip, and I don't want you to have to slog through one giant blog to read them.

I've been a vegetarian for twelve years, but I've started eating fish again in the last few weeks. I'm starting to pay more attention to my intuition and to what my body is telling me that it needs to be healthy. When I was working with the nutritionist, I would often know the foods that I should or shouldn't be eating before she would even tell me. This wasn't through research, but through signals I was getting from my body. For example, when I would pick something up that I shouldn't be eating (and I don't mean a doughnut or ice cream or something obvious like that), I would have the urge to put it back down. It was like a little alarm bell going off in my head, "Danger Will Robinson, Danger."

On the flip side, I kept feeling like I should start eating fish again, but I just couldn't get my head around the thought. After my nutritionist, acupuncturist and husband all suggested I eat fish, I figured I'd stop ignoring the signs and try it. I tried it a few times before we left home, but I ate quite a bit of it in Scotland. It helped that there was an abundance of fresh seafood along the coast of Scotland, and I must say the fish was delicious.

I have a few rules for myself about consuming seafood. The first rule is to eat only one animal at a time, although I have had shrimp sushi twice so that one might be going out the window. The other is for the lump of meat on my plate to be indistinguishable from the animal it came from. For example, I ordered a half lobster salad, thinking it would come out as a lump of meat on a salad. Oh no, it came out as a lobster chopped in half on top of some lettuce. Even though my husband pulled the meat out for me while I turned my head, I quickly lost my appetite and could only eat a few bites.

I know this sounds hypocritical. If I can't stand to think about where the meat comes from or how it arrived on my plate then I shouldn't be eating it. But an amazing thing has happened since I've started eating fish again - I haven't had a single day of allergies. The reason this is so amazing is because I have been eating all kinds of things I was previously supposed to stay away from. I mentioned I had coffee for breakfast every day on vacation, well I had wheat toast too. I never understood why my husband complained about the bread in this country until I went to the UK. You can actually spread butter on the toast without the bread falling apart. Ah heaven. I had a few glasses of wine, and just two nights ago I had two margaritas. These are things that previously would have made me wake up in the morning with gummy, sticky eyes, but that hasn't happened.

My theory about why this is happening is that there was something missing from my diet that the fish is now providing. That must be the case, because I now find myself craving fish all the time. I had mahi mahi tacos the other night in Lauderdale that I was absolutely salivating over. This doesn't make me feel better about myself mentally, as I'd still rather be a vegetarian. And I had to sit with my back to the fish tank in the restaurant, because if I had spent too long watching the fish swim around I would not have been able to eat their cousin for dinner.

Hopefully, I haven't just traded one medical problem for another. My allergies seem to have abated, but now I'm worried about all the mercury I'm consuming with the fish. I'm sure there's a fine balance somewhere, I just have to find it. I've made myself hungry writing this, so I'm off to cook breakfast. If only I could find a good piece of toast.

It's 5 O'Clock (am) in Glasgow

2010-09-11T04:24:00.000-07:00

Upon arriving at the Glasgow airport from our redeye flight, we discovered that our rental car wasn't available yet. It seems that in the UK if you say you're going to pick up your car at 8 am, they take you literally and don't have a car ready for you at say, 7:15. So we went to have breakfast at the pub/restaurant while we waited.

One of my favorite pastimes is people watching, and there isn't a much better place to do this than at an airport. Some might say the beach is better, but I have to disagree. Just as often as not I see something on the beach I would rather not have seen.

As we sat there eating breakfast at 7:30 in the morning, I noticed a strange thing about the Glaswegians at the other tables. Instead of drinking coffee or tea, the majority of them were drinking beer, I even saw someone with a glass of wine. At 7:30 in the morning? Which begs the question, how early is too early in Glasgow? One of my dad's favorite sayings was, "It's five o'clock somewhere." I guess it doesn't specify five o'clock pm, I just always assumed that's what it meant.

I guess if the Scots are anything like my English in-laws, they know they'll be drinking tea every hour for the rest of the day, so why have it for breakfast too. And that is not a slam on my in-laws, I love them dearly. I just don't have the extra "tea stomach" that seems to be inherent to the British.

And I can't figure out why they don't drink coffee, although I know that sounds very American. For some reason, the coffee in the UK is about a million times better than what we have here. In fact, the description for an Americano on the menu was "a posh name for a regular coffee." Even their instant coffee is better. I had previously given up coffee because of my allergies, but I had to have one that morning because I didn't get much sleep on the flight. After tasting it I was ruined for the rest of the week and had to have one every morning. Why can't we have coffee like this in the states?

Maybe the difference is in the way the coffee is made. Instead of a giant coffee maker, most people make it in a french press. It takes up less room in their house, and I think it makes a better cup of coffee. Maybe they are starting with better coffee to begin with, but I buy some pretty good coffee and it never tastes like that. Or maybe it's the fact that you just don't see many people walking around with coffee "to go" in Scotland. I prefer this approach, although it might not seem so quaint if I lived there. It was a nice change to sit and enjoy my coffee, rather than just mindlessly consuming something while I walk. And besides, it gave me that much more time to sit and people watch.

Beaches

2010-09-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

I've just spent the last two afternoons on the beach in Fort Lauderdale. I feel like I'm on vacation, but I'm actually here for work. It's trips like this that make me really love my job. I'll try to remember this sentiment the next time I'm stuck on an overnight in a place like El Paso, TX, or Jackson, MS.

It was a bit of a culture shock being on the beach today. Last week in Scotland, we took a ferry ride to the island of Harris/Lewis in the Outer Hebrides. Harris is unlike any place I've ever been, it's rocky surface made me think of being on the moon. After about a half hour driving on a single track road, we came to one of the most remote and beautiful beaches I have ever seen. Gorgeous white sand, mountains in the distance, crystal clear turqouise water. Luskentyre Beach was unbelievable, and part of what made it unbelievable was that we were the only people on this amazing beach. Not a house to be seen anywhere, in fact I think we only passed about 3 on the drive to the beach.

Fast forward to today. A thousand people on the beach, and not a square inch of property that doesn't boast a multi million dollar high rise. As I was sitting on my beach chair trying to enjoy the sound of the waves, I kept being distracted by the inane conversation of the obnoxious twenty somethings behind me. Either I'm starting to act like a hermit or I'm just starting to sound like my mother, but these girls really annoyed me. I realize they had every right to have a conversation on the beach, I just didn't want to hear it. I'd rather hear the sounds of bleating sheep in the distance. Is that what sheep do, bleat? Baa-ing in the distance just doesn't sound right. It doesn't matter, Luskentyre was so remote I don't even remember seeing any sheep.

Even though it was 30 degrees cooler on Harris, much too cold to get in the water, I felt myself wishing I was back there today. I remember being in Scotland for the first time 12 years ago, and thinking how amazing it was that you could drive for hours and not see a town or even a house. I thought, "How could anyone live somewhere so remote?" I still couldn't live there, but I sure don't mind going for a visit. To have a beach like Luskentyre all to ourselves was almost surreal, and I feel so fortunate to have had the chance to experience it that way.

The Amazing Grace Fellowship

2010-08-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

I finished reading the book I was guided to buy, Leaving Church, in no time. This blog is not going to turn into a discussion on religion, but it's important for me to document my spiritual growth and transition. It will be interesting to look back on these posts a few years from now and see how things have evolved.

I've mentioned before that I am currently unable to find a church that fits my evolving attitude towards God. I have become more spiritual and closer to God in the last year than I have ever been, but I have also grown further away from the religious institution of the church. I have never believed I needed a "middle man" to get to God, and I don't believe I need to go to church every week to show God that I am worthy. However, I do miss being a part of an organization that helps it's own, a group of people that care for and shepherd one another.

Because of this feeling, I had the bright idea to start my own church about 6 months ago. I didn't really want to call it a church per se, but more a "group of like minded people" that would help each other and the community. A fellowship, if you will. I envisioned a different leader each week, so that we would all be equal and there would be no power control issues. I did manage to have the first and only meeting of the Amazing Grace Fellowship, which was attended by neighbors and friends. We did a meditation and healing circle for the people of Haiti (it was right after the earthquake). It went fairly well, although I was nervous most of the time and unsure of what to do. I probably would have been able to continue with the fellowship had I not lost interest/motivation.

This is what I was referring to a few posts ago when I said I often start things and then never follow through. It's why I've been a little skeptical with my new found enthusiasm after the Rhythm of Life Design. I still would like to find an organization to be a part of, I just don't have the motivation/time/desire to be the organizer.

One of my favorite parts of the book, Leaving Church, was the thought of what life could be like if we realized that God lives in the world, not just in church. What could we accomplish if people behaved like they do in church all week, instead of just for one hour a week? What if we encouraged people that being kind to each other is more important than defending our own interpretation of the Bible? What if we realized that everyone deserves to be loved, and then acted that way? Here is the quote from the book that really resonated with me.

"What if people were invited to come (to church) and tell what they already knew of God instead of to learn what they are supposed to believe. What if they were blessed for what they are doing in the world instead of chastened for not doing more at church? What if church felt more like a way station than a destination. What if the church's job was to move people out the door instead of trying to keep them in, by convincing them that God needed them more in the world than in the church?"

Now that's my kind of church. One I could attend, or maybe even help start. I have to admit, writing about this has started my mind thinking again. Maybe my motivation has returned. Although, I also had an idea the other day to start a school, so maybe I'm just floundering around trying to find some direction. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, comes of this and where it leads me.

I'll be on vacation for the better part of the next two weeks, so I probably won't be doing much blogging. Writing has become a significant part of my day because it helps me to relax. I feel centered and grounded when I write, and I really look forward to it. For once in my life I am not excited about getting away from the computer. I will have my journal, but for some reason it seems quicker and easier to pound out my thoughts on the keyboard. Hopefully I'll return to you in two weeks with lots of stories from Scotland about standing stones, islands only accessible by boat, legends and myths etc. I can hardly wait.

Intuition

2010-08-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Another step in my spiritual evolution - learning to acknowledge my intuition. Everyone has intuition, but instead of embracing it most people seem to avoid using it. It seems that in our culture it's acceptable to have intuition as an afterthought, such as, "I knew that was going to happen, I should have trusted my gut instinct." For some reason it seems slightly less acceptable to act on what our intuition is telling us to do about something in the future. Or maybe it's just the fact that we spend our lives ignoring our "gut instinct," so most of us have never really developed the ability to change the future with our intuition.

When my friend dropped me off at the airport yesterday, I had the urge to go to the bookstore. Normally I would have ignored it, because I have a stack of books at home that are waiting to be read. I've promised myself I won't buy another book until I get through that stack, but the urge to go to the bookstore was so strong I had to acknowledge it.

I usually gravitate towards the New Age/Spirituality section, but for some reason I stopped in front of religion. I scanned the book titles not really expecting to find anything, but when my eyes got to the title "Leaving Church", I felt like the book was jumping off the shelf at me. It was a paperback so it didn't really have a synopsis on the back cover, so I started reading the intro to find out what the book was about. I was still doubting my instinct that I had walked right to the book I was meant to have, because I still didn't feel like I needed a book. By the time I had finished the intro I had cried not once, but twice, because I felt like I was reading about myself. Now I had to trust myself and buy the book to read in private. Seeing a uniformed pilot in the airport crying does not normally instill confidence in passengers.

The book is about an Episcopal minister, who found her way to God (and herself) by giving up the priesthood. One of the things that made me cry was this quote, "You only need to lose track of who you are, or who you thought you were supposed to be, so that you end up lying flat on the dirt floor basement of your heart." It's the "who you thought you were supposed to be" that really got to me. From the time I was 17 years old, I've thought I was supposed to be a pilot. It's been my identity and how I define myself for over twenty years, but now I'm beginning to think there might be something more. In addition to or instead of a pilot, I'm not sure yet. I think my soul knows but my ego is still afraid to admit the truth.

I was reading the book in the gym this morning, and I had to come back up to the room because it made me cry again. Barbara had just decided to leave the priesthood, and she was quoting Walter Brueggemann, a scholar of the Hebrew bible. "The world for which you have been so carefully prepared is being taken away from you, by the grace of God."

I have very carefully prepared my entire adult life to be a pilot, but I still feel like there is something missing. I have no doubt that this desire for something new and bigger than myself is being directed by God. To read about someone who felt the same way, in a book that I didn't even know about and wasn't even looking for, proves to me that there is something to this intuition thing. I just hope I can continue to use it to look forward, instead of regretting I didn't use it when I look back.

I Write, Therefore I'm a Writer

2010-08-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

Ever since the Rhythm of Life Design class, I've been addicted to the internet again. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check my email, to see if one of my new friends has sent me something inspirational. Friday morning I woke up and the first thing I did was read this blog post.

Spiritual Evolution of the Bean: Acceptance: I am what I am.

I write, therefore I am a writer. There, I've said it. And I'm feeling more and more like one everyday. As I have experiences now, I try to figure out how I will convert my thoughts and feelings about them to the page, and I can't wait to get them there. I realize this probably isn't a good thing, because it's not helping me live in the moment, which is something I know I need to work on. As I go about my day I find myself thinking, "how can I convert these thoughts and experiences into words, how do I get these thoughts onto the paper." I desperately want to convey them as powerfully as they appear in my head, but I normally feel like something has been lost in the translation. I will admit it's getting easier, and I am getting better at it.

It's a long, slow evolution, but I'm in it for the long haul. I guess you could call it Spiritual Evolution of the Pilot, instead of the Bean. I write, therefore I am a writer. Thanks for the words of wisdom and inspiration Stephanie.

A Living Legend

2010-08-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

I must be getting into this writing thing. As I sat watching an icon perform in concert tonight, I kept thinking about the blog I was going to write when I got home. We'll see if it comes out as well as it did in my head a few hours ago.

I first became fascinated with the Beatles about the time John Lennon died. I was ten, and I don't remember specifically hearing about it. My dad used to watch about an hour and a half of news every night, so I'm sure subliminally I knew about it but didn't pay much attention. There must have been something that got me thinking about their music though, because up until that point I don't remember listening to much music.

My parents were almost the same age as the Beatles, but for some strange reason they were never interested in their music. Their tastes ran more along the lines of Jerry Vale, lucky me. I guess it was of my own volition that I checked out a Beatles album from the library, I don't remember which one it was. All I remember is sitting in front of my parents ancient, furniture-like record player (which they still have 28 years later), and crying. My mom asked why I was crying, and I told her because there would never be another Beatle's album now that John was dead. Not that there would have been anyway, but I don't think I realized that at the time. She told me that if listening to the music had that effect on me, I wouldn't be allowed to listen to it anymore. Obviously, she just didn't get it.

My next memory of McCartney was watching the Wings tour on TV. I think it was on HBO, but I'm not sure. I finally saw McCartney live in 1989 when I was in college. I thought that might be my only chance to see him live, and that was over 20 years ago. I've since been to the 1993, 2002, and now 2010 shows. I don't say this to brag, but to show the way this man's music has followed me throughout my lifetime.

I knew from previous tours that he would probably play Blackbird. As many times as I've seen him live, I've never heard him explain what the song was about. It's about race issues in the south in the 60's. I'm not ready to explain why, but I now know why I've been drawn to this song for so long.

I think the show tonight was just as good as the first one I saw 20 years ago. It was 3 hours long, and it was the second night in a row in our town. I'm amazed at the energy McCartney has at age 68. I know 68 year olds that get tired after watching 3 hours of TV, much less jumping around on stage singing for 3 hours. "He's worse than the energizer bunny," my husband said, and I had to agree. I got tired just watching him. And this is the first time in a long time that I haven't been one of the oldest people at a concert. Not by a longshot.

I would like to end this blog with a public service announcement. I've been to a lot of concerts over the last 8 years, and I've noticed a significant reduction in my hearing. I realize that I also spend a lot of time around jet engine noise, and I'm sure that's partly to blame as well. Standing in the first few rows of a concert right by the speaker stack certainly doesn't help though. What really frustrates me is to see kids at a concert without ear protection. Please, please, please, if you're going to take a kid to a concert protect their ears. I had ear plugs in tonight and my ears were still ringing at the end. Wait a minute, did I just admit that? Maybe I was the oldest person there, not in age but in spirit. Oh well, at least I'll be able to hear when I'm 64.

Happy Birthday Dad

2010-08-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. He passed away in 2006, when my son was 8 months old. We don't go to the cemetery very often, just for his birthday and Christmas and maybe one or two other times a year. It's not that I don't care about going, it's just that I don't feel like I need to be there to connect with my dad. In fact, in some ways I feel like he's always with me now, and that makes me happy. It's a good thing I feel that way, because going to the cemetery with a 4 year old provokes some interesting, unanswerable questions.

"Does Pup eat cake in heaven? What kind of cake does he have? Where is he, is he under this stone?" Those were the easy ones. Then the inevitable questions about heaven, along with, "When will you die? When will I die? Does everyone die from cancer?" How do you answer a question when you don't have the answer yourself?

There are an alarming number of young children buried around my dad. My son is always drawn to the toy cars and trinkets people leave as a remembrance, and of course I find this all particularly heart wrenching. As we were looking at the grave of a 3 year old, my son said, "Will he grow up in heaven?" I wish I knew the answer.

This past year I have drawn closer to God than ever before, and yet at the same time some of my religious views are changing. I find myself unable to find a church I enjoy attending, but I am becoming more in touch with my own spirituality and my connection to the divine. I no longer believe in an angry, vengeful God that will send you to hell if you don't behave. In fact, I don't even think I believe in hell anymore, other than the one we create for ourselves.

As my own spiritual thoughts are evolving and changing, I have the questions of a child to answer. His questions make me examine my own feelings, and help me to sort through what I truly believe. I guess I must be doing ok with the answers, because my son never seems to ask follow up questions. The questions make me think about my own philosophy of life/death/heaven/reincarnation/spirituality. Maybe the same question asked a year from now would have a different answer, I don't know.

At least I didn't have to think about his last question before leaving the cemetery. "What does Pup do in heaven?" That's an easy one. I'm pretty sure he's on a perpetual hunting trip. As a vegetarian, I always hoped my dad would come back empty handed from his hunting trips when he was alive. Happy Birthday Dad, I hope you come home with a big one this time.

For the Love of Biscotti

2010-08-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Oh my, what a weekend. As I sit in a local coffee shop writing this, I am enjoying a biscotti. Not a sugar free, wheat free, dairy free biscotti mind you. A full on, delicious, everything I shouldn't be eating biscotti. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the turtle sundae yesterday. Or the cheesy bread the two previous days, or the six glasses of wine at the riesling festival. You're beginning to get the picture. And I haven't even mentioned the reese's peanut butter cup or the martini.

I'm not quite sure what is happening to me, other than maybe I've been abducted by aliens. Ok, that's a joke. I have just lost all will power related to food, and I am enjoying eating like a normal person again. Immensely. That has got to stop. Not only do I feel tired and my allergies are cranking again, but I got rid of all my clothes that are now 3 sizes too big. If I start eating like this again I"ll have to go shopping, and I'd be moving the wrong way on the sizing chart.

Strangely enough, I have had the urge to do "oil pulling" the last few mornings. I wrote about this a few months ago, but if you missed it or aren't familiar here's a quick description. Oil pulling is an Ayurvedic technique that supposedly rids the body of toxins. You swish oil around in your mouth for several minutes a day, and the reported cures are seemingly endless.

Several months ago I was actively trying to do this every day but I kept forgetting. Something has been making me remember it the last few days. Maybe my body figures if I can't keep the bad stuff out of my mouth, it will help me try to remove the toxins another way. I will say that I've had pretty good results. The other day I woke up and my eyes were all gummy and teary. After swishing oil for 15 minutes, my eyes cleared up and I had a ton of mucus running down the back of my throat. Sorry to be graphic here, but if I could learn to spit like a guy I would definitely have been removing toxins from my body.

Now I just have to work on reducing this junk food craving again. I'm mad at myself because I had been perfectly happy with a cup of tea or piece of fruit after dinner, and now I'm not happy unless I've had sugar. I guess I need to look at this diet as a lifestyle change instead of an ongoing diet, and then it might be easier. Or I need to learn to be happy with eye allergies and +20 pounds. Right now that one sounds like more fun. HELP!

Something Smells A Little Fishy

2010-08-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I have had fish for dinner for the last three nights in a row. So what, you might say. And I would agree with you, other than the fact that I've been a vegetarian for the last 12 years.

I've been having some problems with allergies, and that's why I started the crazy "no sugar, no dairy, no wheat, no alcohol, no fun" diet I've been on most of the year. The upside - I've lost about 20 pounds. The downside - I don't think I'm getting enough protein, especially at work. Fish is the only animal I can even consider eating, so I'm slowly starting to try it out again.

Another reason I am experimenting with fish is that we are leaving for Scotland in a few weeks. I used to look forward to eating in Britain, because there are a lot of vegetarians in the UK. I can always find something to eat, but unfortunately, it's either wrapped in pastry or smothered in cheese. Or my absolute favorite thing, a pasty, which is a pastry stuffed with potato and cheese. Kind of like a giant pierogie with a crispy crust and diced potatoes. Ok, it's really nothing like a pierogie. Anyway, since I'm still not doing dairy or wheat I thought I might starve in Scotland, so I'm easing myself into the fish thing again.

I would really prefer to stay a vegetarian, but my instinct, as well as my nutritionist, acupuncturist, and husband seem to think the fish is a good idea. Although I question my husbands motives, I think he's just tired of eating fake meat and veggie burgers.

I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. What finally converted me to vegetarianism 12 years ago was living in North Carolina. I would pass the hog trucks every morning, and I couldn't look at them as I drove past. I would feel really guilty for having had a bacon sandwich for breakfast, when the poor pigs were crammed into the truck with their little snouts sticking out of the holes.

I definitely still need to pretend that the fish on my plate just manifested itself there, instead of thinking about the flopping, gasping thing that comes out of the water. Hmm, I may have just made myself a vegetarian again with that thought. Stay tuned, I'll let you know how it goes.

Damn you Ben and Jerry

2010-08-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. Wondering if I'm having a bit of a backslide. Well, not a backslide I guess, I'm just not rocketing forward at lightning pace anymore. My positive attitude has been shaken a little, because I seem to be surrounded by negativity the last few days. I'm trying to let the bad vibes bounce off of me, which I have been successful in doing the last few weeks. There must be a chink in the armor though, because today it's not bouncing as easily as I would like it to.

I did a great job of staying positive at work on Monday. I start and end all of my trips in a different city than where I live. That's the best and worst part of the job, that I can live anywhere I want. It's the best for obvious reasons, and the worst because it means I'm gone an extra day each trip, either the night before or the night after my trip starts. Commuting to work by airplane is interesting, to say the least.

On Monday I missed my flight home by 2 minutes, and had to wait 4 hours for the next one. Of course, due to Murphy's Law of commuting, that one was late. I don't know why, but it always works out that way. It's never 5 minutes late when you need it to be, but if you've been waiting for hours it will be late. One of the laws of the universe I guess, like gravity. I can complain about it all I want but it's not going to change.

Amazingly, I kept a pretty zen attitude about the whole thing. Normally I would be fuming that I was only going to make it home for bedtime instead of dinner time, but this day I didn't let it bother me. I just figured I was meant to stay at work and get some studying done for my simulator training next month. I was actually amazed at the fact that I didn't let it ruin my day like it would have in the past.

I just need to find that zen attitude again now that I'm struggling a little bit. I did treat myself to a piece of carrot cake while I was waiting for my flight the other day, and today I have used "Everything but the--" Ben and Jerry's ice cream to try and annihilate my bad mood. It's not working, now I just feel guilty for eating it. What I really need to do is yoga or call a friend from class to cheer me up. Well, maybe the phone call will have to wait. There's only a tiny bit of ice cream left, and I can hear it calling me from the freezer. Maybe I am backsliding, but it tastes too good to stop now.

Flies

2010-08-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

I didn't want the last post to go on forever, so I thought I'd do two separate blogs. During the Rhythm of Life Design class we did a lot of drumming. The entire first day, a fly sat on my drum and wouldn't leave me alone. He even sat there while I was drumming, which was amazing because the drum puts out a pretty good vibration. I was astounded that he didn't fly away. Then he had the nerve to invite his little fly friends over for a party on my drum.

The next day during one of the most transformational parts of the class, it felt like flies were swarming all over me. Yes I know, cue the jokes about showering etc. When I went home and googled "flies as totem" this is what I found.

"The Fly teaches the ability to greatly multiply prosperity, endeavors and ventures at enormous rates. He shows how to to be quick to act and respond to achieve results. Fly aids in demonstrating the power of keen eyesight along with expanding awareness in many directions.

Although flies are known for carrying diseases in unfavorable surroundings, the lesson of fly is in the value of carrying your emotions, thoughts and feelings in order to act quickly in sometimes unfavorable or uncomfortable conditions.

It takes about two weeks from hatching for new eggs to be laid, likewise, two weeks is significant in one's personal development.

Are you ready for quick and abrupt changes? Are you ready to move quickly? Fly will show how to make quick changes for rapid growth. "

Hmmm, considering I seem to be manifesting things at lightning pace this week, I think that description might just fit me. During the Rhythm of Life Design course we set one week, one month, and one year goals for ourselves. I have met all of mine already, in less than two weeks. Talk about rapid growth.

Am I ready for quick and abrupt growth? Am I ready to move quickly? Absolutely. The last time a friend gave me reiki she kept saying, "Are you ready?" "For what?" I said. She didn't have an answer. Even though I still don't know the answer to my question, I can say with a resounding yes that I am ready. I guess only time will tell "for what?"

The Rhythm of Life Design

2010-08-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

I have been promising to write about the class that has changed my life, so now I will attempt to put my experience into words. I didn’t think it would be quite this difficult. The course I attended was called the Rhythm of Life Design. It was taught by Jim Donovan, formerly of the band Rusted Root, and Harry Pepper, a psychologist. These two work amazingly well together, and to say the course has changed my life would not be an exaggeration.

To give you a small example, the first day of the class we were setting goals for ourselves. My goal was to get over my fear of public speaking. I was writing down that I would look into going to Toastmasters, and while I was doing this I almost had a panic attack. Just the thought of looking into it made my palms sweat and my heart race. By the second day of the class, I could say that I was definitely GOING to Toastmasters, and I was calm about it. And guess what? Last week I attended my first Toastmasters meeting, and I even gave a one minute speech.

My whole outlook on life has changed as a result of this class. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. Who is this person? I’m positive in a way I’ve never felt before. Good bye Chicken Little, hello Polly Positive. Positive is not a word normally used to describe me, just ask my husband.

Lately I’ve been having the feeling that things are going to turn out right before I’ve even started a project. This is a foreign concept to me. I’m usually too busy worrying about all the things that could go wrong to think that something might actually turn out successfully.

It all goes back to what I learned from one of my favorite mentors, Louise Hay. All of us live our lives in relation to one of two emotions, love or fear. If you’re coming from a place of fear, which I’ve spent my entire life doing, it’s hard to find love and peace and happiness in the world. When you start projecting love, you draw that to you and are suddenly surrounded by more positive energy.

When you start expecting good things to happen, an amazing thing occurs. They actually do start happening! Previously, it seemed like I was always surrounded by negative people and energy. That was because I was putting out fear, so I was also attracting it. Now that I’ve become more positive I seem to be drawing smiling, happy people to myself. The other day I was in one of my least favorite cities. The reason I don’t like this city is because the people are so unfriendly. As I walked thru the airport, every person I passed looked at me, smiled, and said hello. It was so surreal it felt like a dream.

Because of the course, I am able to make eye contact with people now. In the past this always made me feel uncomfortable and self conscious, but now it is much easier. I don’t know what has changed, other than I’m more comfortable in my own skin. Or maybe I’m trying to project my positivity to others, now that I’ve finally found it. Fill the world with love, yada yada. Whatever it is, I hope I feel like this forever.

Manifesting My Lake House

2010-08-07T04:23:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday morning on my boat with my mom and son. Actually, I’ve spent most mornings that I haven’t been working on the boat this summer. I don’t know what my connection is with water, but I can’t think of anywhere that makes me happier than being on a boat. Well, maybe skiing behind a boat.

Unfortunately, we don’t ski on the river. We have this small problem with sewers where I live. So much so that after it rains all of the marinas put up orange signs that say CSO. I don’t think many people in town know what this means, or they wouldn’t be in the water swimming when the signs are up. I will confess it took me the better part of a summer to figure it out, but luckily I already had my doubts about the cleanliness of the water so we weren’t swimming anyway. It stands for Contaminated Sewer Overflow, or maybe Output, but you get the idea. Or as my son shouted across the marina yesterday, “Look Mommy, they’re putting up the poopy water sign.”

My dream has always been to have a house on the water, ideally on a lake. Unfortunately there is only one lake within an hour drive of where I live, and our favorite lake is 3 hours away. I know better than to think we would make it to a lake house very often.

Recently I have decided I would be happy with a portable lake house, otherwise known as a houseboat. I have a hard enough time maintaining one house, much less two, and this way there wouldn’t be any grass to cut. I wonder how much the Break Out Another Thousand (my husbands definition of BOAT) expands when you’re talking about a houseboat.

I received an email from a friend yesterday, which said that yesterday was the day of the Grand Cardinal Cross, when the moon moves into Cancer. I have no idea what that means, but it is supposed to be a significant astrological event. Along with the full moon on the 9^th, it is supposedly a good time to alter the status quo and manifest goals by setting new intentions.

Even though I don’t know anything about astrology, I’ve been setting intentions like crazy yesterday and today. Just in case there's something to this Grand Cardinal Cross thing, I'd hate to miss out on my chance to set intentions and manifest my lake house. I haven’t been asking specifically for a lake house, because I don’t want to limit myself, but I have been asking for a place on the water. Any place, I’m not picky. Just somewhere I can enjoy the peace and tranquility that envelopes me when I’m around the water. I just hope it's far away from any CSO signs.

Pickle Plants

2010-08-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

This week I've been wondering how I've suddenly found so much extra time in my day. I've been writing and blogging a lot more recently, and I even had time to go to a Toastmasters meeting today. (More about that this weekend when I have more time to write.) And of course I've suddenly found more time to be on Facebook as well. I realized today that I have so much extra time because I've been neglecting my garden.

This is only the second year I've planted a garden, and I enjoy it immensely. There is nothing better than walking out to the back yard to decide what I'm going to have for dinner. Last night it was "mock crab cakes" with zucchini, tonight it was tomatoes with thai basil, and fresh broccoli and beans to spice up our canned Indian curry.

I live in a 100 year old house, with an appropriately sized postage stamp for a yard. Half of my garden surrounds the perimeter of our back patio, and I have 2 other beds about 2'x5'. Not a lot of room, especially when I'm trying to grow space hogs like zucchini and broccoli. Because of this, I spend a lot of time in the garden pruning. Things like breaking off broccoli leaves so they don't shade my chili peppers, or cutting back the lemon balm that has started to grow like a weed take a lot of time.

I've also had a lot of problems this year with pests and disease. The zucchini are slowly succumbing to powdery mildew, my tomato blossoms are all shriveling up and dying, and the *#$%@*&^ leaf miners are destroying everything from swiss chard to parsley. Not to mention everything is now coated with a layer of black aphids. I've finally thrown up the white flag and surrendered to the bugs. I'll salvage what I can with minimal effort, and let them eat the rest. It's the easiest way to create time in my day for my new projects.

Although I've given up on my garden for the year, I am passionate about community gardens. Someday when time permits I would love to start one at our elementary school. I once heard a parent complain that we shouldn't waste time teaching kids about gardens, but I strongly disagree. The more removed we become from our source of food, the more problems we have with obesity and the related health care costs. Not to mention the harmful effects to the planet, from factory farms to trucking our food halfway across the country (or worse yet the world). When our kids can identify a french fry and ketchup but not a potato or a tomato we have a problem.

Which reminds me of a funny story. I was in my neighbors garden the other night, talking to my son about the different kinds of vegetable plants. I pointed to a cucumber plant, and I knew what was going to come out of his mouth before he said it. "What's that?" I asked. "A pickle plant," he responded enthusiastically. We may have some more work to do, but at least he knows that we can grow his french fries and ketchup in the backyard. That's a start.

Mojo Risin'

2010-08-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

This will be a short one because I am at work today. Every morning for the last week, my son and I have had a morning dance session. We get up and put on a song and just dance and laugh and have a good time. I didn’t realize how much I would miss that when I went back to work.

We have one song that is our current favorite. I’ve never really been a fan of the artist, and I didn’t pay much attention to the song when it first came out. It popped into my head a few weeks ago (the few words I could remember), and wouldn’t leave me. I’ve read somewhere that when a song does that you should pay attention, because there is a reason it has come to you. I played the song on You Tube, and it just happens to be the current theme song to my life. And it’s awfully fun to sing and dance to with a 4 year old. Here it is if you’re interested.

The other song I’ve been listening to is far from a dance song, but still a very good song indeed. I don’t know why this one popped into my head either, other than I’ve always been a Beatles fan and I've always been drawn to this song. According to Ted Andrews "Animal Speak" book - "Blackbirds indicate the need to use the winter to go back into the great womb of life in order to be able to bring forth new energy and expressions of energy the following summer." And it sure has been a great summer. Here’s that one. (Not my video.)

I was lucky enough to fly with a Captain today who enjoys life. He kept trying to get me to sing with him (in between flights of course), but I told him there was no chance of that happening. I’ve just started dancing in public, I’m afraid the singing will have to wait.

For the last few months I haven't even wanted to listen to music, much less dance or sing. I'm around so much noise at work that I want to enjoy peace and quiet when I'm home. Well, as much peace and quiet as you can have with a child that talks constantly.

During this time I also didn't want to talk on the phone or socialize much. I think this must have had something to do with my cocoon phase, because it is highly unlike me. I’m normally very social and don’t like to be by myself. I’m so glad that stage is over, and I am now enjoying music and conversation again. And dancing, oh how I’m enjoying the dancing.

Just A Quote

2010-08-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm. - unknown

Passion

2010-08-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have a deck of angel cards that I look at before I go to bed at night. Each card has a different angel on it, and each angel is associated with a particular message. I shuffle the deck until one falls out, and then I read it. I use the message to inspire, comfort, or guide me for the next day. The angel card I pulled last night was pretty amazing, considering what I've been going through this week and what I blogged about yesterday.

PASSION - associated with Archangel Haniel - "Trust and follow your renewed passion in your love life and career."

Additional message: "Playing it safe can lead to staleness and depression. You've asked for more happiness and definite DIRECTION. I've LIT THE FLAME of passion in your heart to lead and guide you. It is SAFE for you to take risks and follow your hearts desire. Ask me to be your partner along your path of passion, to guide and nurture you. When you feel a STRONG KNOWINGNESS, alongside a burning passion, pay attention, as this is my way of giving you information about your next step."
by Doreen Virtue, PHD

I've capitalized some of the things that have directly applied to me this week. I have been asking for direction. My former fears and inability to feel safe have held me back from many things in this life. After class, I felt a knowingness and inner glow that I can't even put into words. It surprised and delighted me. Never in my life have I been so sure something is going to go as I've planned.

My previous thought process had been to always prepare for the worst. That way I'd never be disappointed, and in the unlikely event things went well, I might be pleasantly surprised. Because of that thinking, I was drawing the very things to me that I was trying to avoid. Now I look at some of the goals I've set for myself and I know I will achieve them. I don't wonder IF I will achieve them, only when.

For example, a one year goal for me had been to dance at the Rhythm Renewal next year, which is where I was this week. I love to dance, I just try to avoid doing it in public. Thanks to some amazing encouragement from two wonderful new friends (thank you S and B), and a son that danced his pants off, I was out of my seat and dancing last night. My one year goal has been accomplished in less than one week! For a former glass half empty kind of gal, this is a minor miracle. I would never have accomplished this if it hadn't been for the class I attended this week, which I promise to elaborate on in the next few blogs.

When I first started writing this blog, I thought I would have to censor myself and the topics I wrote about for fear of what others might think. To this date hardly any of my friends know about it, and I certainly haven't publicized it. It was more of a place for me to get my thoughts together, with the idea of maybe writing a book someday. I guess the fact that I'm now writing about angel cards and faery gardens shows that there is not a lot of censorship going on anymore. That still causes a slight quickening of the breath and tightness in my chest when I think about it, yet my fingers keep flying over the keyboard typing the words. I know I've talked about this quote several times before, but I'm going to end with it to reassure myself again. I've come a long way, but I'm still working on my self confidence. This will be my mantra for the next few days.

"Those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind." Dr. Suess

Metamorphosis

2010-07-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

While visiting my mom's farm two weeks ago, I went to my favorite clearing in the woods. It's the place where I always go when I want to clear my head and get in touch with the spiritual side of myself. On one side of the clearing is my dad's tree stand that he used for deer hunting. Although he is no longer here in physical form, I feel closer to him in that clearing than I ever did while he was here on earth.

On the other side of the clearing is our pet cemetery. The four pets we've had over the last twenty years are buried there. I don't know if it's the connection to those that have already passed, or just a quiet beautiful place in the middle of the woods, but previous visits to this clearing have given me profound insights into my life. It's the place I picture when things are getting crazy at home and I just can't find a few minutes to be by myself.

As I walked into the clearing that day, I noticed a caterpillar about 20 feet in the air. It's amazing I saw it at all, it was so tiny and so far above my head. At first I couldn't see it attached to anything, it appeared to just be floating in the middle of the sky. Then I thought, surely it must be stuck in a spiders web, but there were no trees or bushes around for the web to be attached to. As I got closer, I realized there was a tiny thread connecting the caterpillar to a tree branch about 30 feet above him. He was slowly inching his way up the almost invisible thread connecting him to the tree.

Such a long way to climb, I thought. How will he ever make it up there? Then I realized his immense desire to become a butterfly was helping him overcome the enormity of his task. I found myself a little bit jealous. That's what I need I thought to myself, a passion so strong that I would overcome anything. No matter how insurmountable the odds seem, or how much the fear weighed me down, I wouldn't care. I would keep climbing because of the beautiful life awaiting me on the other side.

For a long time I wondered if I would ever come out of my cocoon phase. It was a dark and dreary time for me, and sometimes very frightening. It felt suffocating, but I knew it was a necessary stage in my evolution. I was gaining strength, waiting for the next stage of my life.

This week I started cracking open the cocoon, with the help of some amazing new friends. I took a workshop designed to help me become better aligned with my life's true purpose. I want to tell you all about this workshop, because it was a life changing event for me, but that will have to be another blog. I'm still trying to get my mind around exactly what happened, and how I seem to have changed so much in such a short time.

I am motivated, inspired, passionate, and excited in a way I haven't been for months. I only hope I can maintain this level of intensity and euphoria as I slide back into the real world of every day life. I'm finding it hard not to let the fear and self doubt start nudging it's way back in. The memories of past failures nag at me. What if this is like the other times I was excited and didn't follow through?

What if? That tiny little two word sentence, along with "if only", are the two phrases that have been the biggest road blocks in my life. I have decided the reason it will be different this time is because I'm going to stop saying "what if?" Every time that phrase comes into my head I'm going to finish it with a positive thought. Eventually, I won't even need to think about it anymore.

Part of the course was to come up with a mission statement for our lives. I create a world of --------. I do this through -----------. I'm still tweaking the second half, but the first half feels so right I smile every time I say it. This is the first time in my life that something has felt so true and so right that it gives me a warm glow inside. I think I now know what is meant by "lighting the fire within."

My mission statement:

I create a world where it is safe to be a healer. I do this through strength, integrity, passion and grace.

My wings are still wet and wrinkled, my legs are wobbly, but I don't need the airplane to fly anymore. I'm emerging from my cocoon to fulfill my life's purpose, and I'm slowly transforming into the beautiful butterfly I am meant to be. So be it. So it is.

Fear

2010-07-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

This quote is for fear related to change and growth.

The fear won't make you save what you have, it will make you lose what you can become.

The Window

2010-07-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..
Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.
It faced a blank wall..

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'
Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present '

Just A Quote

2010-07-19T17:08:00.001-07:00

"All know the way; few actually walk it." ~Bodhidharma

Whether You Call Them Fairies or Faeries, We're Ready for Tinkerbell

2010-07-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

I live in a nice neighborhood. Even so, we had a small problem with vandalism last summer. It seems that a small band of children was roaming the neighborhood, leaving things in neighbors gardens that shouldn't be there. I'm not talking about dog poop or firecrackers though, these kids were much more intelligent than that. They were leaving faerie gardens.

I have to admit, I consider myself lucky to live in a neighborhood where the only defacing of property is actually quite delightful. Each morning we would walk out to the garden to see what kind of painted rock or flower people had been left in our yard. The alleged culprits backyard was even more magical. Over there they had actual rooms set up for the faeries, with toy furniture and everything.

Some people, and I'm talking about grown ups here, actually believe in things like faeries and elementals. I find it strange that most kids believe in them, but we spend our time discouraging that kind of thinking. I must admit I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that stuff. Just when I think I believe, the rational side of me rolls it's eyes and says, "Oh, come on." Maybe I'm just worried people would think I've gone round the bend for even talking about faeries. I'm actually muttering something along those lines to myself as I write this. Even so, my son and I spent a wonderful morning making a faerie house. We used bits of shiny things, made flowers out of pipe cleaners and tongue depressors, and even made a sign that said Welcome Faeries.

The way I look at it, this is a win-win situation for me. If there are faeries, we just gave them a nice home, and hopefully gained some help keeping the bugs and disease at bay in my garden. At this point I'll take all the help I can get. And if they don't exist, I just wasted the day spending some quality time in make believe with my son. Doesn't sound like a bad deal to me.

Just A Quote

2010-07-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

"Crisis is really just another name for redirection."

From "When the Heart Waits", Sue Monk Kidd

Sugar, Oh How I Love Thee, Sugar

2010-07-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in Salt Lake City, trying to curb my rampant desire for sugar with a plain yogurt and blueberries. Not working. Although, this is the first non - soy/goat milk/sheep milk yogurt I have had for 6 months, so that should be a treat in itself.

I'm still doing the no wheat, no dairy (except for today), no sugar, no alcohol part of the diet. I had a little slip up a few weeks ago on vacation. OK, I had a big slip up. I had ice cream at least 3 nights, I have to admit I lost track. I bought some fudge for my mom and decided to have a taste, and ate half of the bar. Of two different kinds. A fruity drink, 3 pieces of bread, and a bite of lobster mac and cheese. Yes, as if the mac and cheese wasn't enough, I had meat for the first time in over 10 years. Talk about feeling guilty.

Unfortunately for me, I not only felt guilty, but my allergies came raging back. Now, the smart thing to do would have been to add one thing back at a time, so I could see if I could tolerate some things more than others. I, however, decided that since I had already fallen off the wagon I might as well eat whatever I wanted for the week. And since I only had a week to do it, I had better eat lots of the forbidden foods.

I was so sick of watching what I ate that I thought to myself, "Allergies be damned, it's not worth it anymore." At least that's what I thought until the allergies started again. My problem is that I can't just cheat once and get back on the wagon. When I have one oreo, I have to eat two or three. Oh I forgot, I had those too. And I didn't stop at three.

So I could probably eat certain things in moderation, if I had any inkling of what the word meant. I now find myself in the uncomfortable situation of having to kick the sugar craving again. I find I've been substituting tortilla chips. Not a wise idea for the waist line.

As for the lobster, I'll admit I've been considering eating fish again. Perfect timing, considering half the fish in the ocean are getting an oil bath. My acupuncturist, nutritionist, and husband have all suggested I start eating fish again, since I'm having a hard time getting enough protein. Since it had come up three times, I thought maybe I should stop ignoring the message.

I took a bite of lobster, one of my favorite things in my pre-vegetarian days, to see if I could even get it past my lips without gagging. I did, and I'm embarrassed to say it tasted pretty good. I thought maybe this was something I could handle. Until the next day when my brother and a friend went fishing.

They brought some fish home in water in a cooler. When I walked up to the cabin the fish were swimming around. When I walked back they were beheaded and being filleted on the dock. This might be harder than I thought. And forget chicken or cows, I know I can't go back to that. But I have had a strange craving for salmon for about a month now. I guess only time will tell, we'll see how long it takes me to forget about the images on the dock.

But for now I have to be satisfied with my sour cream like yogurt and sour blueberries. Oh what I wouldn't give for an ice cream.

Waiting for the Butterfly

2010-07-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

So I mentioned in the last post that I have been feeling unmotivated. I finished the Artist's Way, which I was completely enthusiastic about the first 8 weeks. The last 4 weeks I lost interest, and it felt like something I "should" do instead of something I wanted to do. I'll explain later why I keep putting "should" in quotes. I am still writing 3 pages of conscience streaming most mornings, which is part of the reason I haven't had time to blog. It will be interesting to see which one has to give if I can't do both.

Since finishing the Artist's Way, I've been looking for some new direction, a new purpose. I feel like I'm treading water, and I don't know where to go next. I need to do something big with my life, something meaningful, but I can't for the life of me figure out what that is. Feeling like a boat without a rudder (or even a destination), I scheduled a private session with my reiki instructor to try to gain some insight.

While I was trying to describe my predicament, I mentioned that I felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Deep down I knew that I was supposed to be waiting, gaining strength, resting for whatever big thing was coming next. I knew I shouldn't let the waiting/lack of motivation frustrate me, but the fact that I knew that and couldn't help it just made me more frustrated.

My teacher pointed out to me that even though the caterpillar emerges from the cocoon as a beautiful butterfly, there is a lot of work going on in the cocoon. If you open the cocoon too early, it's just a bunch of mush. I have to give myself time to transform, to shed the old me and invent the new. The subject of rebirth rears it's head again.

She recommended a book to me, "When the Heart Waits", by Sue Monk Kidd. Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions. I have only read the first 50 pages so far, but by page 12 I was in tears. (Good tears). An excerpt from the section of the book titled "The Spiritual Art of Cocooning" -
"The Greek word for soul is psyche, and is often symbolized as a butterfly". Both the soul and the butterfly are metamorphosed." Could explain why I have a strange fascination with butterflies the last few weeks.

Kidd also quotes Swiss psychiatrist CG Jung quite often, which is interesting because I have been feeling called to read his works, I just haven't made the time. Another quote from the book - "Jung believed that "every midlife crisis is a spiritual crisis, that we are called to die to the old self (ego), the fruit of the first half of life and liberate the new man or woman within us." Here is a hidden and misunderstood turning point of the soul, I thought. Sadly, not every person will maneuver its convoluted mazes. Would I?"

Midlife crisis. Could that really describe what I'm going through? I thought that only applied to men who wanted sports cars and 20 year old girlfriends. As I approach 40 I realize that that is what I'm going through. It's just not material or sexual, it's a spiritual midlife crisis. I realize I'm ready to let go of the ego (I think) and develop my full and true self.

This book has been a revelation to me, and has brought me unexplainable peace. I'm now ok with the waiting, with the seeming directionless turn in my life, because I know the direction will appear when I am ready. I am now content to wait, not feeling lazy or useless, but waiting to shed the old layers of my self and develop the new.

I have had strange encounters with butterflies this week. While on the river, three different times a butterfly flew right by the boat. I've never seen a butterfly in the middle of the river before. I went for a walk in the state park with my husband and son yesterday. There were butterflies everywhere. And I don't mean the little moth-like brown and orange butterflies, although they were there too. There were lots of yellow and black tiger swallowtails, and two different kinds of blue and black butterflies.

We were by a waterfall and I saw one of the most amazing things I have ever seen and hope I never forget. There were six butterflies together in one spot on the ground. Three yellow and black swallowtails on the left, and three black and blue beauties on the right.

I don't believe in coincidences anymore, I like to call it synchronicity. Or in this case maybe a sign. Whatever it was, it let me know that I was on the right path. That I'm exactly where I need to be, even though I can't see the end goal or even the next step. Someday, I will unfurl my wings and become that butterfly. And hopefully I can inspire someone with awe and wonder the way those six butterflies inspired me. Someday.

It's Been A Long Time

2010-07-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

It really has been a long time since I've blogged about anything original. It's been an interesting few months. I have been unmotivated, unorganized, and haven't felt like doing anything. But at the same time, I've had one of the best summers of my life.

I have felt I "should" start blogging again for a long time, but I have had several things happen this week that have made me want to blog. Even still, I have procrastinated for the last 3 hours. It's time to stop running away and get my thoughts down on paper - err, computer.

I have so much to catch up on, so I'm just going to start with the last week and fill in the rest later. My son had his first summer camp this week, so I had my afternoons free. Since he isn't in preschool, this was quite a luxury for me, and I took full advantage of it.

I started with an acupuncture session on Tuesday. I have been feeling incredibly irritable and grouchy, with tremendous mood swings. It's like PMS without the MS. I went through a period like this several weeks after I started my candida diet, but then I was negative and depressed as well. I guess having nothing to eat but brown rice and vegetables would depress anyone. Although I couldn't see it at the time, a friend pointed out to me later that I was going through a healing crisis. It was like a lightbulb went off when she said that, I don't know why I couldn't figure it out for myself. I haven't looked at the rest of this website, but it had a good description of a healing crisis so I am including it.

http://falconblanco.com/health/crisis.htm

So I went to the acupuncturist hoping for some relief, from my mood swings and my allergies. It appears that the diet really is helping, because I have been suffering from allergies again since I fell off the food wagon on vacation. But that's another story. What I got was more than an acupuncture session. I learned an amazing technique called EFT.

http://www.eftuniverse.com/images/stories/6-4-10/telegrapheft.pdf

I highly recommend looking at the above link, because it gives a pretty good description from an unbiased perspective. If you don't have time to look at the link, here is a quick description. The theory behind EFT is that all emotional upsets are caused by disturbances in the body's energy system. Correct the disturbance, and the emotional upset dissipates. This doesn't mean that we don't feel any emotion, rather that we have a tool that can neutralise excessive emotion. (Copied from eft.net.nz)

Previously, I would have lumped EFT in with things like muscle testing. But again, seeing is believing. As I started tapping on my meridians, repeating the phrase, "even though I've been a bitch lately, I love and approve of myself", I felt a little self conscious. No, I felt ridiculous. But at the end of the tapping an amazing thing happened. I didn't feel bitchy anymore.

My acupuncturist gave me a handout that described the sequence so I could practice at home. I don't know where it came from, but when I find out I will post it. I think the information may have come from this site, but I haven't had a chance to check it out yet.

http://www.eftuniverse.com/

I keep thinking about how wonderful it would be to teach this technique to kids. I plan to learn more about it, because it really fascinates me. I have a feeling this is going to lead me down a whole new path. Lets just hope I stick with it, unlike the blog. I'm working on that though, and it's good to be back.

My main problem with the blog is it's so time consuming. This post has just taken me an hour, and the only reason I have time to write it is because I'm sitting in the hotel at work. Since I've hardly worked this summer (maybe part of the reason it's been so enjoyable), I don't have many days that I can devote an hour to writing. But I will make a sincere promise to try. Until something else distracts me.

Where have I been? In a cocoon, waiting for the butterfly.

2010-07-12T13:47:00.001-07:00

The Chrysalis

Just a Quote

2010-06-03T14:00:00.001-07:00

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities you can achieve when you believe in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

No time to write, but I can link

2010-05-28T13:05:00.001-07:00

If you're still doubtful of the dangers of genetically modified food, check this out.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/05/22/jeffrey-smith-interview-april-24.aspx

Just a Quote

2010-05-24T05:53:00.001-07:00

Real learning comes about when the competitive spirit has ceased.

Cheesy - In Honor Of Mother's Day

2010-05-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;

They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils

Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,

Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough

Doesn't come out of carpets.

(And I'd like to add my own here, silly putty doesn't come out of socks)

Real Mothers don't want to know what

The vacuum just sucked up....

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'

And get their answer when a little

Voice says, 'Because I love you best..'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth

Is not measured by height or years or grade...

It is marked by the progression of Mommy to

Mom to Mother........

Happy Mother's Day

Everyone Wants to Bang a Drum - Part Deux

2010-04-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been difficult for me. I've been grouchy, impatient, negative, and just generally down. I lost all desire to do reiki, yoga, write, or work on the "Artist's Way". I haven't blogged for a while now. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I've had no motivation. I've wanted to tell you about my son's Dr. visit, where the Dr. just encouraged me to give him drugs instead of figuring out the cause of his allergies. Or the conversation I had with my fellow pilots about grass and fertilizer. It seems I'm in the minority because I'd rather have a yard filled with dandelions rather than chemicals. Or my return trip to Portland and the fate of my Seven for All Mankind jeans. But those blogs will have to wait. Because tonight I feel rejuvenated, and it's all because of a man and a drum.

A few weeks ago my neighbor told me about a rhythm workshop for kids that was being held by Jim Donovan, formerly of the band Rusted Root. I signed my son up for the class, and was delighted to find out that there was a class for adults afterward. I have taken a Transformational Reiki class that focused on Native American drumming, and previously been to one drum circle. Drumming is definitely something I enjoy and want to pursue further, so I was very excited about the class. I was not disappointed.

Jim really has a way with kids, and my son had a great time at his class. The adult class was called Rhythm Renewal, and to say it helped me get my mojo back would be an understatement. All of my friends that are fans of Rusted Root may disagree, but I for one am happy that Jim left the band and found his true calling. I am suddenly energized and excited and ready to write and blog and be creative again. I don't know exactly what happened tonight, but it's like the rhythmic beating of the drum helped me to break up whatever block I had that was making me so negative.

In the past, I've had reiki classes where I felt like everything the instructor said was exactly what I needed to hear. Tonight was one of those nights. From the message about being present with my son when he needs me, to the Native American song that brought me to tears, to the need to confront my fears and work through them, every time Jim opened his mouth (or beat on his drum), I felt like I was absolutely in the right place at the right time.

Drumming seems to be the one time that I am not self conscious, and I stop worrying about what other people think of me. I just get lost in the drumbeat, and I find myself in an almost trance like state. It's unbelievably relaxing, and yet energizing at the same time. Like Jim said tonight, we waste a lot of money in this country trying a multitude of things to help us relieve stress and relax. If only more people realized it was this easy.

I have no doubt there is more drumming in my future. My husband went with me tonight, and I'm hoping he enjoyed it enough to do it again. I would love for this to be a new family hobby for us, although the neighbors may not find that idea as exciting as I do. Even if I'm the only one to continue on with it, I am grateful to Jim for helping me get back on the right track again. And I promise to fill you in on the Dr., the dandelions, and the jeans later.

Definitely check out this website.

jimdonovandrums.com